Just before he climbed into his bi-plane and flew away, the great DreamPilot and I knocked out the following piece of pitiful prose in recognition of the mental anguish many otherwise semi-sane writers experience during the last few days of a Literotica contest.
Rumple Foreskin
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SCORE CHECKERS ANONYMOUS: affecting the afflicted
A shadow of despair, despondency, depression, and a whole bunch of other "de" things has (what else?) descended over many Literotica Valentine Day Contest entrants. No, it's not the curse of troll one-bombs, but their growing addiction to checking and rechecking the contest scores.
Score Checkers Anonymous, a fine, non-profit, tax-exempt WD-40 foundation is now available to help those who have fallen under the spell of this affliction.
Here is a FAQ for those who feel you may need to explore the services offered by this charitable organization, either for themselves or some other writer sinking into the pit of (what else?) dependency.
Q: What should writers do when colleagues confront them with the grim reality that they've become a contest score checking addict?
A: Turn to Score Checkers Anonymous. Often, the addict's initial response is, "Who, me, a score checking addict? I mean, just cuz twice a day I check the leaders.... and I can't stop myself... does that make me an addict?" Then after reflections that can run the gamut from sober to shit-faced drunk, most SC addicts face the reality of their condition.
Q: So, like where does Score Checkers Anonymous meet?"
A: There are nightly meetings of Score Checkers Anonymous in the basement of the First Church of the Burning Bush and Discount House of Lickers. These begin at 7:00 pm or whenever two or more members come dragging in the door.
Q: So we all get together and check scores?
A: Oh, you poor pathetic prose pusher. No way. You sit in uncomfortable folding chairs and listen to other people admit what low-life, score checking, losers they are and how many days, hours, minutes its been since they last checked on a contest score. Sooner or later, usually later, it'll be your turn to stand up and tell everyone else what a low-life, score checking, loser you are.
Q: Let me guess, I'll have to stand up and admit to being a score checking looser as the first step, right?
A: Not necessarily. This chapter is very progressive. Getting a new member off their sorry ass and standing is considered step one. Their confession, make that admission, to being a compulsive score-checker is the second step. The loser part is sort of a natural progression.
Q. Is anything else expected of me?
A: Only that you turn over 50% of your worldly wealth or $500, whichever is greater, to the Score Checker Anonymous Foundation Discretionary Fund.
Q: And after all that, I'll be cured of my score checking addiction?
A: Of course. At least until the next contest begins. Please try to understand that a permanent cure would put a big hurt on the SCA Foundation Discretionary Fund which, in turn, would cramp the style of those of us on the board of directors who administer the funds.
Q: So, like, how can a Literotica writer with no real life or friends know if they need help?
A: In the interest of helping those who think they might have a problem with addiction to score checking, we offer the following test to determine if you should become a member of Score Checkers Anonymous (that is after you pay your dues which are, as I may have already mentioned, all your worldly wealth or $500 whichever is higher.
