Scary Shrin Suggests Sex

I guarantee you that this will be the most terryfying story you will read today. In fact, Ranker ranks Pennywise the clown as the fourth most terrifying figure in horror films. Allow me to rephrase. I guarantee you that this will be the fourth most terryfying story you will read today.

Clowns are scary enough, but with Pennywise there's the additional element of psychological terror. Which brings me to Peter Sarstedt's 1969 pop classic "Where Do You Go To (My Lovely)?" and particularly the lyric

"I know the thoughts that surround you

'Cause I can look inside your head."

The music streaming service Deezer reported that 30 percent of people are more turned on when tunes are playing during sex, 25 percent said it made the sex itself feel better. I checked the science. Apparently it releases dopamines. Which makes sense. I've had sex with a lot of dopes, I mean. But at least whenever I've listened to a bit of contemporary pop and rock during the act, the experience hasn't been a total waste of time.

It's probably dawning on regular readers by now. This is another adult role play. I make no apologies. The pandemic is back on. And even if you don't go a bundle on the plot, one of you is going to have a ton of fun dressing up as a clown.

It's Halloween and a clown walks into a psychiatrists. OK, the psychiatrist costume is going to be boring. I'll give you that. But you can swap roles. Lady clowns are nearly as unfunny as gentleman clowns. And it goes without saying that this role play works just as well if you're in a single-sex relationship.

But if neither of you really can't stomach dressing as a psychiatrist, no matter how sexily on Halloween, try reading the masterful script from 'Hazel's Horrific Halloween Humping.' (Also by this author.) Then one of you can dress as a witch and the other gets to wear really tight tights.

Anyway, in case anyone's still with me, here is the 'Scary Shrink Suggests Sex' script.

May Glove: "You're a bit of a clown, aren't you?"

Clown: "Bloody hell, what a shrink you are. I haven't even introduced myself. How did you work it out?"

May Glove: "Years of training and the footwear. The Docs were a big clue. Yellow laced 28EEE boots. As a doctor I surmised that they were far too big for your feet and that you must be wearing them in some professional capacity."

Clown: "Anything else?"

May Glove: "Of course. The boots alone are also the trademark of a pinball wizard, as are the Bay City Roller pants. As far as your lower body was concerned it was a toss up."

Clown: "So something above the waist gave me away."

May Glove: "The gaudy jacket didn't settle anything. It was the sort of thing Elton John would have worn from Soho down to Brighton. Now he also loves a flower, but I'm a bit of a horticulturalist and the one in your buttonhole isn't like any I've seen on 'Gardener's World'. Elton spends thousands at the Watford Interflora, but my thinking is that yours came from Acme Jokes Ltd. Plus you used it to squirt me with water."

Clown: "You knew that was me?"

May Glove: "I'm very observant."

Clown: "So what confirmed it?"

May Glove: "Two things apart from the make-up. The giant red nose and the Ronald McDonald hair."

Clown: "You're amazing. But my name is actually Donald McRonald, and you'd be much more comfortable if you stripped butt naked. Then we could really get down to the serious business of fucking."

May Glove: "I beg your pardon?"

Donald McRonald: "I said that you were amazing."

May Glove: "After that."

Donald McRonald: "Nothing. You may have heard the clown talking. He can be very inappropriate at times."

May Glove: "He suggested that I take off all my clothes and have sexual relations with him."

Donald McRonald: "That sounds like him alright. Actually he was being very reserved. He's normally completely lacking social boundaries. He could use the services of a good psychiatrist."

May Glove: "I happen to be a very good psychiatrist."

Donald McRonald: "What a bit of luck. Could you give him a bit of advice to set him straight?"

May Glove: "Psychiatry doesn't work that way. Patients generally need years of counselling."

Donald McRonald: "And then they're cured?"

May Glove: "Goodness no." Where do you think we would we be if people got better?"

Donald McRonald: "In the Lancet."

May Glove: "No silly, in the poor house. It's not easy getting people to think they have a mental problem, but if you're lucky enough to persuade them, curing them is the last thing you want to do."

Donald McRonald: "Because the world is mad and they wouldn't fit in?"

May Glove: "Because if you cured them they wouldn't come back. Repeat business is key."

Donald McRonald: "So you reckon you'll need to counsel him for some time?"

May Glove: "Tourette's influenced multiple personality disorder doesn't tend to go away in a hurry."

Donald McRonald: "I'm a busy man. I can give you an hour and if you get me sorted I'll give you £10,000 cash."

May Glove: "I could try the abridged version. Tell me about your childhood."

Donald McRonald: "It began at birth. I was young at the time, but gradually got older. Then I became an adult and put childish things away."

May Glove: "I'm going to need a few specifics. As a child, did you ever encounter a clown?"

Donald McRonald: Yes, I used to love clowns. But then one day I was taken to the circus by my mummy. After a while she said she had to go to the toilet, but she was a very long time. And remember, this was years before we had to spend 20 seconds washing our hands. So I went to look for her. When I got outside I noticed one of the caravans was bouncing up and down."

May Glove: "Was a mechanic jacking it up because it had a flat tyre?"

Donald McRonald: "No, I thought it must be an exciting ride, so I went in and one of the clowns was jacking it up my mummy so to speak."

May Glove: "So in a way it was an exciting ride. No, I'm sorry, that was very unprofessional of me. I meant to say that it must have been very disturbing."

Donald McRonald: "They weren't disturbed at all. He kept on and on. I thought he was hurting my mummy because she was screaming."

May Glove: "I meant for you. It's the sort of incident that often leads to coulrophobia, but in your case you've developed a split personality. Sorry to interject. Carry on Donald."

Donald McRonald: "I wouldn't mind interjecting you with a little something."

May Glove: "I didn't mean for you to carry on with the 'Carry On' humour Donald."

Donald McRonald: "I didn't say a word. Must've been that clown."

May Glove: "Of course. Shut your fucking mouth you red nosed twat! Now continue Donald."

Donald McRonald: "When they were finished my mummy noticed me. I asked her if she was alright and she said that she was better than alright and that as my daddy was a layabout this was the only way she had to pay the clown in order to get our tickets."

May Glove: "And as a way of justifying your mother's behaviour you took on the persona of a foul mouthed clown?"

Donald McRonald: "From the word go I started messing about in class. My teacher would tell me to stop playing the clown. It made me angry because I thought she meant I was doing what my mother did."

May Glove: "Paying the clown?"

Donald McRonald: "Exactly, and it was a steady downward spiral from there."

May Glove: "Your education suffered. You left school early and had a stream of dead end jobs. Possible drug and alcohol abuse?"

Donald McRonald: "Not exactly. I disrupted a lot of lessons being the class clown, but I was smart and applied myself from that point."

May Glove: "And how did things turn out?"

Donald McRonald: "I got a scholarship to Oxford, did the Revue thing, got a First, then an MBA."

May Glove: "At which point did things nosedive?"

Donald McRonald: "To cut a long story short, I founded a dot com, sold it for big money and bought a small-time circus where I can blend in full time."

May Glove: "Then it seems you are managing your problem rather well."

Donald McRonald: "But I want to overcome it."

May Glove: "I really wish people like you wouldn't flounce in here with their impossible dreams."

Donald McRonald: "There could be a paper for you in this."

May Glove: "You're right. Freud would have a field day with the clown persona. You watched a clown having intercourse with your mother, so he would infer that you have a classic Oedipus complex."

Donald McRonald: "Oedipus, schmoedipus, just so long as he loves his mother. Sorry, I just had to say that."

May Glove: "Don't tell me you're Jewish."

Donald McRonald: "Who's ever heard of a Jewish entertainer?"

May Glove: "Just as well if we're going to do this in an hour."

Donald McRonald: "So you think I have an Oedipus complex?"

May Glove: "Freud might, but the high achieving suggests that you don't want to be like your father. What I believe has happened is that you have become highly successful in order to exert control. You're dominant and so is your clown. You actually don't want the clown to have intercourse because all those years ago you didn't want to witness the incident with your mother."

Donald McRonald: "I'm very glad to hear that."

May Glove: "Good, now how's your sex life?"

Donald McRonald: "I have no intention of talking about sex."

May Glove: "You come to a psychiatrist with a sex-related problem, make lascivious comments by proxy and don't expect to talk about it. Some would say that's puzzling, come back next week. I say the clown makes inappropriate remarks in order to ensure his come-ons are rebuffed. Thus he never has intercourse, so cannot have a relationship with your mother. Now how often have you made love?"

Donald McRonald: "Well to be exact, the exact, precise number precisely would be zero."

May Glove: "As I expected, the clown has overall control and no woman you approach could possibly realise that your infantile remarks come from him. Thus his behaviour has impacted on your sex life."

Donald McRonald: "So now that we have a specific prognosis, we can presumably solve the problem."

May Glove: "I'm afraid that won't be so easy."

Donald McRonald: "Surely all I need to do is to have sex and then the clown persona will be banished to the deepest recesses of my psyche forever."

May Glove: "Exactly, but the clown will always disrupt the process in order to survive. Have you considered enlisting the services of a prostitute?"

Donald McRonald: "They must have all had an adverse clown encounter and developed coulrophobia. On the plus side most of them gave me my money back."

May Glove: "Then you need to enlist the services of a sex facilitator. They're trained to deal with every type of disability."

Donald McRonald: "Could you get one here within the hour?"

May Glove: "Good gracious no. They don't just hang around on street corners. I can endorse the 449b form which will start the ball rolling. Then it's a matter of finding the most suitable match for your profile, and a time and venue to suit."

Donald McRonald: "That's some serious foreplay."

May Glove: "Yes, but once the risk assessment is complete, it's all systems go."

Donald McRonald: "So in due course I'd pay the sex facilitator the £10,000?"

May Glove: "No way Jose. This is an emergency. You don't think I'd ask you to fill in a 449b form if you'd been shot in the gut would you?"

Donald McRonald: "I hope not."

May Glove: "I also loved clowns as a child. Luckily I never had a bad experience with one. So I'm still an unreconstructed coulrophiliac."

Donald McRonald: "I see what you're getting at, have you had a lot of sexual experience with clowns?"

May Glove: "Bloody loads. Of course I didn't realise they were complete and utter clowns until afterwards."

Donald McRonald: "But isn't sex with patients illegal?"

May Glove: "Donald McRonald is a patient of mine but I don't treat a clown."

Clown: "I get it you bitch. I'm going to..."

And now's your chance to put on "Where Do You Go To (My Lovely)?" or talk really, really dirty or both.

You know what the clown needs to wear because the psychiatrist told you. I'm going to leftfield to make a suggestion. Why not the twin set and pearls? Bold, but I think at this stage you can pull it off. Specs and a notebook and pen will complete the ensemble for this role play which you can enjoy in the comfort of your lounge, as an armchair for the shrink and sofa for the patient is traditional.

As usual there's no actual porn in this. But on the plus side, you're about to have some great real sex. And let's face it, do you really need me to tell you how to do it? If the answer's "Yes" why are you in this sextion and not in the 'How to?' What's wrong with you?

OK then, I'll get you started. Earlier the clown said "...you'd be much more comfortable if you stripped. Then we could really get down to the serious business of fucking."

So the psychiatrist slowly peels off her clothes until the twin set's gone and she's down to her pearls. She delves into his baggy pants possibly exclaiming...

(Scenario A.) May Glove: "I don't believe it! It's true what they say about men with comically oversized feet!"

and then eases him to the floor by his comically oversized erection before mounting him and sliding it inside her saturated pussy.

Or he could cackle maniacally...

(Scenario B.) Donald McRonald: "Prepare to be split in half by my giant chopper!"

before forcing her onto the couch and splitting her in half with his giant chopper.

Scenario A would be in keeping with the standard of humour in this piece, whilst Scenario B adds an unexpected twist of terror. So, opt to continue the low brow dialogue or end with a whimper and a bang. It's up to you. Whatever. It's not a world ending decision, so don't sweat it.

But May Glove, whether you've been rogered relentlessly by Ronald, or delicately deflowered him, don't forget to ask for your grand when it's over. You're worth it. After all, Tourette's influenced multiple personality disorder doesn't just go away on its own.

Oh, and by the way, when I say "delicately deflowered him" I don't mean that you confiscate the irritating irrigating fake water squirting flower in his button-hole. If there's anymore squirting to be done, it'll be done by you!