Resurrection

Hell, I never did really believe much in life after death. I guess the idea sounded a bit like hope to me, so I have to admit to being surprised when I did find out.

But my first surprise was I never even saw the truck coming.

Fact is, I was looking across the street at this sweet young thing's ass. The skirt she had on came down just barely to the bottom of her butt cheeks, I couldn't help myself.

I stepped off the curb to go over there, get me a closer look.

Didn't feel a thing.

Next thing I knew I was standing in line, every few seconds the line would move a step or two.

I couldn't see the head of the line, it vanished off into the distance. I turned and looked back, the line behind me was getting long, too.

What the hell, I followed along, looking around. There wasn't much to look at. Just the flat white plain going on and on, the single line of people moving a step or two, then patiently standing there in silence.

I did notice a few of them were naked, that seemed odd.

After what seemed like one darn long time I looked up, here was this guy in white robes, big long beard, just sitting there in a chair.

I had expected big pearly gates, green forests, streams, flowers. Maybe a few horns playing music in the background would have been nice.

Each person in front of the line stepped up, there were a few words and they vanished, then the next one stepped up.

Finally it was my turn.

"You are assigned back to Earth." He said.

"Assigned? To what? What do I do?"

"You watch."

"Watch what?"

"Everything."

"What do you mean, everything?"

"Quit asking so many questions, you are going to make me late for lunch!"

"But...."

"Git! Or I will post you to an emerging Sun for a few million years!"

"Am I in Hell?"

"There ain't any such place, GET OUTA HERE!"

With that I was gone.

I found myself standing stark naked in the middle of the street.

I glanced around, heads were starting to turn my way. Instinctively I reached down to cover myself with my hands.

I didn't even see the truck coming.

Just fuck!

After waiting in line for what seemed like a few years, noticing this time that about one out of 100 or so were stark naked too, I looked up at the same old guy sitting in the chair.

"You lasted a long time, I see." He said, with a sneer.

"Hey, you dropped me naked in the middle of the street!" I protested.

"We can't send clothing. Costs to damned much! Deal with it!"

Poof.

I was standing stark naked on a beach.

I looked up, there was a big sign.

It read, "Clothing optional area ahead."

OK. Cool! This will work.

"Hey, you!" Someone shouted at me.

I turned around, a cop was standing there, a mean look on his face.

Why do fucking cops always have to act so damned mean?

"What?" I asked.

"The clothing optional area is over there." he pointed.

I looked over there, about 30 feet away there were naked people everywhere.

"So? Everybody over here can see over there."

"Don't get smart with me, asshole! It's against the law to be undressed over here!"

"But...." I looked around, people on one side of the sign had suits on, on the other side everybody was naked.

Oh, well.

I walked past the sign, wandered down the beach.

I needed some clothes. It was pretty obvious I wasn't going to go buy some.

I wandered along until I found a blanket with no one around, some clothes laying there. I grabbed a pair of pants and a shirt, both one size too small but they would do.

There was a jacket too, it felt heavy. I took off at a trot, there would be time to check the pockets later.

I got the hell out of there.

I was just pulling the jacket on when I felt something in the pocket bump my side. I reached in and pulled out a pistol.

I was standing there looking at it stupidly when I heard someone yell.

"Freeze!"

"What?" I said, turning his way.

I got just a glimpse of the cop standing there, pointing his gun at me.

Bang.

Just fuck.

The old man stared at me with a dirty look this time. I stood there and waited.

"That's two strikes." He said finally.

What is this, fucking baseball? I thought.

But I kept my mouth shut.

"Don't get smart with me, I will send you off to an emerging SUN!" He said.

Great.

He reads my mind.

I decided to let my mind stay blank, but the thought that this stupid bastard must like that "emerging Sun" shit slipped in there anyway.

"That does it!" He snarled.

Poof.

HOLY SHIT!

I was standing on a ball of molten rock, volcanos everywhere, rivers of lava flowing.

Well, this just sucks.

I was there for a long time.

The place was finally starting to cool down, I had even found a nice boiling pool of water to splash in when suddenly I was back in line.

Eventually it was my turn, I stood there meekly waiting.

"Learn anything?" He asked.

"Yes, sir, I did."

I stood quietly, my head hanging, my mind completely blank from eons of practice.

He glared at me, I knew he was trying but getting nothing.

"OK." He said, finally.

Poof.

I was standing on a street corner. I looked around, didn't see anybody but I heard something running. Finally I realized there was a big truck, some guy running a winch on the back with a long cable going almost straight up, obviously lifting somethi...????

UHOH!

I jumped sideways just as a piano landed right where I had been standing.

"OH! Hey! Wow that was close!" the guy on the back of the truck climbed down.

"Are you all right? Where are your clothes?"

I didn't answer, just took off at a dead run. I dodged the kid on the messenger bike, ran down an alley towards what looked like an open area, hoping against hope I might find some clothes somewhere and blend in. Too late I saw the train tracks for the shuttle train.

Just fuck!

"Well, that's four." The old man said.

"What the hell is this place?" I demanded.

"This is life after death."

"But...? I read that there is heaven, and then Hell, and maybe something in betwee....?"

"Naw, life is just information. Can't be destroyed. We have to do SOMETHING with all of it. Hey, haven't you ever read Steven Hawkings?"

"Who?"

"Never mind. You are getting to be one pain in the ass. Take over, I am going on break."

"Take over? Take over what?"

"Here. You decide. No point in sending you anywhere, you will just come back."

I sat in the chair, the old man got up and started to amble off.

"Wait a minute? If I am such a fuckup, why am I being promoted?"

He stopped and grinned at me.

"This ain't no promotion.", He cackled, then he was gone.

I looked up at the line, no end to it, on and on until it vanished over the horizen.

Just fuck!

Oh, well.

Might as well have fun.

I dumped a fat old lady naked as a jaybird into the grandstands at a NASCAR race, two biker dudes I dropped into a gay bathhouse in San Francisco.

There was a whole string of black guys I sent off to a KKK rally, then a KKK guy showed up so I spent the extra energy and sent him fully dressed in his best dress whites to a mostly black nightclub in New York.

There was a corporate white collar dude I sent to a salt mine, a dictator that was hated by his people seemed to fit right in down at the slave labor camps.

This was cool! I could do anything I wanted!

I was just in the process of sending the overweight Jewish department store owner into the middle of a terrorist training camp when the old guy showed up.

"You are really a prick, aren't you?"

"What difference does it make, everybody is dead?"

"You don't get it, nobody ever dies."

"Well, I did!"

"Did not."

"Did too."

"You are here, ain't you?"

Hmmm. Well, I couldn't argue with that.

"There is just one thing to do with you."

"Oh, yeah? What can you do to me that could possibly be worse?"

Poof.

Sure is dark in here.

I felt something, it tickled, then everything lit up.

I could see walls, a window, some half dead plants on a windowsill.

A face appeared, suddenly I felt my mind shift to some place I didn't recognize, it seemed to be a.....web site?

Then it hit me. Information, that is what the old guy said.

I was inside a hard drive. Information. Just information. That is all there is to life. The old bastard made me into a goddam computer!

Then I realized.

OH NO!

Go**amit!!

Nanny block.

Just ****!!!