Re: Your Brains

Memorandum

From: Robert McIntosh

To: Jodi Reinsdorf

CC: Human Resources

Re: Your Brains

Jodi, this is Bob, from down the hall. Just wanted to interface with you on a dialogue point regarding your recent objections to the new Client Relations Initiative, and get your 360-degree feedback on the proposal I brought to your attention a couple of hours ago.

As I'm sure you're well aware by now, we're looking to think outside the box and advance an entirely new paradigm in regards to customer satisfaction. We've all heard "work smarter, not harder", but realistically speaking, how much does that help the consumer? What I'm suggesting is a radical shift in our whole approach to client relations, where we invert the whole concept of "working smarter" to achieve a more holistic customer satisfaction metric.

The question we really should be asking ourselves is not, "How can we sell our product to our customers?" but, "What do our customers want?" So many times, our key demographics speak of feeling "threatened" by intelligence in our Client Relations staff. They fear that they might be taken advantage of by a slick-talking salesperson. I'm sure you'll agree, Jodi, that while we all appreciate the amazing work you've been doing with us as an associate, we want to find ways to improve your customer-centric skills in all areas. And while your natural intelligence might bring certain short-term advantages in closing individual deals, true customer loyalty comes about through making the client feel comfortable with you, the salesperson. The minor drawbacks of using subliminal conditioning to reduce your intelligence (again, I will stress for your benefit that this is a non-surgical, reversible technique) have to be weighed against the overall benefits of being a team player. Sometimes, Jodi, you just need to "take one for the team"...or even several...and I feel very strongly that once your intelligence has been reduced, you won't miss that big brain of yours one little bit. (I'm not suggesting that it's primarily egotism on your part that is leading you to miss the big picture, here, but we all know how proud you are of that Harvard degree. There's no "I" in Harvard, Jodi!)

And of course, the company will be more than happy to take care of you. Just look at Shana, who has already benefited from her entirely voluntary decision to take part in the intelligence reduction subliminal aspects of the Client Relations Initiative! She's already been promoted twice, and is one of the most requested members of our sales force. (I'm familiar with your concerns about her salary, Jodi, and might I remind you that compensation is strictly confidential. Taking advantage of Shana's reduced intellect to trick her into discussing her salary is grossly unethical, and frankly, any information she might give in her current state shouldn't be relied upon. After all, she's not that bright at the moment--who's to say her claims that we "pay her with all the sex she wants" are even accurate?)

And while we're on the subject, Jodi, I deeply resent any insinuations that the Client Relations Initiative is "sexist". We here at International Industries have nothing but the utmost respect for women, and we take very seriously any allegations of sexual harassment. Rest assured, the CRI is entirely voluntary and equal opportunity. Jim was more than happy to accept the additional opportunities that the CRI offered, and he's reported nothing but satisfaction in his new customer service-centric role. In fact, I've never seen him happier! (And our corporate doctors have reported a reduction in his hypertension, a total remission of his ulcers, and a general improvement in his well-being. Frankly, if not for my vital role as a promoter of the Client Relations Initiative company-wide, I might well go in for having big parts of my brain shut down too!)

I don't wish to be negative when consulting with you like this, Jodi, as I do want to make it clear that we're proactively addressing your concerns. But you've cross-conferenced with our Promotions department enough to understand how targeting the primal drives of our key demographics is a vital marketing element. And if you'll allow me to be briefly frank, here, Jodi, nothing sells like sex. We're simply being a bit more honest, a bit more forthright, and to tell the truth, a bit more ethical in our use of sex as a selling point. So many companies suggest through their sales techniques that purchase of the product will lead to sex, but we're actually delivering. I think that's something to be proud of.

Really, I'm actually more than a little saddened by your refusal to participate in this highly exciting, innovative concept in merchandise promotion. So many of your colleagues have given us their buy-in to this new idea, and yet your insistence that "my brains are an asset to this company" (such outmoded, second-wave thinking, Jodi!) is holding you back! (And let me stress again, Jodi, that despite your frankly paranoid claims to the contrary, buy-in to the Client Relations Initiative is strictly voluntary, and the intelligence reduction is not mandatory for participation. Craig, Shana, Cassie and Laura jumped at the chance to be a part of this! As for Gina, well...she hasn't participated in the intelligence reduction or the libido enhancement subliminals. She was always like that.)

Naturally, I don't wish to apply any kind of ultimatums here, but this is a situation where your career evaluations could be negatively affected by a lack of participation. International Industries is looking for team players, Jodi, and your decision to let yourself become more focused on satisfying the customer's needs, particularly in the specific expertise areas vis a vis genital-stimulation and orgasm-production, will reap big rewards within the company structure. I know that several vice-presidents have personally requested to me that you be highly recruited into the project. The boys upstairs have their eye on you, Jodi. You could really get into a lot of good positions by accepting this offer.

Conversely, refusing buy-in on the Client Relations Initiative could hurt your job performance as well. So many of our clients have been specifically requesting libido-enhanced, intelligence-reduced, sexually compatible salespersons that we've actually had trouble meeting their demands! I don't exaggerate when I say that this is our single most popular sales initiative. (In fact, we've actually gotten some interest from our clients in purchasing the software used to generate the subliminals. You could actually demo it for them while interacting with them in a mutually satisfactory, personally intimate environment! It's bound to be highly lucrative, Jodi.)

I hope we can get a fuller discussion of this initiative with you at the earliest possible opportunity, Jodi, free of the acrimonious atmosphere that we had at our earlier meeting. Your suggestions that we were "prostituting our salespeople" and that you were going to "call the FBI" were extremely unproductive in generating the proper positive atmosphere needed to get this project on the right footing, going forward. We've discussed this with Legal, and they've assured us that we meet all their stringent ethical and legal guidelines for proper client-salesperson relationships, and that our future interactions with the government will be more than efficacious under our new Government Liason Initiative. (It's still in the planning stages, and I'm as busy as a beaver getting it ready for launch! But once it goes forward, I think any worries about government intervention will be a thing of the past.)

I do think we agree on a lot of the key areas of discussion here, Jodi. I do think your brains are an asset to this company, but I'm a strong believer in the concept that the best assets are the ones that can be leveraged most effectively, and your participation in the CRI would definitely leverage those assets in favor of certain more tangible assets you bring to the table. (That's a metaphor, of course. Beds will be provided in the event that you do volunteer to participate in the program.) Your brains might help you sell, Jodi. But do they really help you satisfy a client on a deep, emotional level the way that a satisfactory sexual encounter does?

Once you think about it, Jodi, I'm really hoping that you'll find these discussion points persuasive, and be willing to participate in future buy-ins on the Client Relations Initiative, going forward. In fact, I'm so confident in your enthusiasm for the entire process that I'm going to go ahead and ask Tech Support to patch your computer with the intelligence reduction and libido enhancement subliminals on the conditional assumption of acceptance of our generous offer. You'll probably have a few lingering concerns, so I'll go ahead and stop by your office before I head out for the day just to help put this thing to bed, as it were, and make sure that we're on the same page, acceptance-wise. Naturally, if you still have reservations about the process, I'll be happy to have the subliminals reversed, but I'm sure that we can come to a mutually satisfactory arrangement for the both of us. (I suspect you'll be more than happy to come to an agreement by then. Coming will probably be very high on your agenda.)

As a result, I recommend that once you've finished reading this memorandum that you should feel free to read it again and again until the words lose all meaning for you. I'm sure that by now you're well aware that attempting to look away from the computer screen is an unproductive use of your valuable time, so you might as well go ahead and make sure you're fully up to speed on the new developments. Think of it as a valuable metric to get a full evaluation of your response to the subliminals. Or if all the big words there don't make sense to you anymore, Jodi, just think of it like this: Your brains are slowing down, and that's good. That makes you happy.

I look forward to interfacing with you fully on our progress in regards to this vital and exciting change to the way we do business here at International Industries.

Sincerely,

Robert McIntosh

Head of Development, New Client Relations Initiative

THE END