Piss On A Politicians Grave Day

There are moments in life when genius strikes even the most average of intellects. Take the invention of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich for example. Despite its apparent violation of the laws of nature, and despite the subsequent arguments of conspiracy theorists, it was not invented by members of the Manhattan Project during their lunch break. We can all thank the resourceful and hard working WWII soldier for that perfect little piece of Americana. Somewhere in a fox hole with bullets flying all around, G.I. Joe realized that when the military gives you bread, jam and peanut butter, the best thing you can do is mash them together.

And while a person might be forgiven for thinking that the ubiquitous and polyuseful paper clip must have been the brainchild of an industrious genius such as Thomas Edison or Henry Ford, it was, in fact, not. The honor for that indispensable inspiration belongs to John Smith, a highly practical dry cleaner from the city of Chicago. In a moment of twisting and bending, he forever solved the problem of how to neatly attach a dry cleaning ticket to an article of clothing, and gave spontaneous orgasms to paper pushers everywhere.

My own eureka moment, as it turned out, came after five beers, two whiskey chasers and nearly ninety minutes of watching politicians on C-SPAN lie, cheat and prostitute their way through another law making session.

It was truly riveting stuff, like being given the opportunity to watch as a bunch of gang rapers argue over which dildo they're going to use to violate your ass, the one with a hundred vibrating spikes or the one that shoots high voltage shocks through the pointy metal tip. I was having a great time yelling obscenities at the television and my cat, Agnew, was having a good time watching me. Eventually, however, my need to piss exceeded my need to be pissed off and, so, throwing one last string of heartfelt epithets over my shoulder, I made for the bathroom.

Standing there in front of the toilet, my mind in the kind of Zen state you can only reach during a truly epic wiz, I contemplated how wonderful life would be if every politician just simply agreed to die. As I savored the thought of their collective demise, my gaze came to focus on the toilet tank and for the first time I noticed just how much it resembled a gleaming white tombstone. I felt a grin move across my face at the notion that I was at that very moment symbolically pissing on the graves of politicians everywhere.

However, as satisfying as that thought was, it was not my eureka moment.

Having finished what may go down as the most spiritually moving bathroom trip of my life, I was washing my hands when suddenly genius saw fit to reach out and bitch slap me like a pimp on a lazy ho. My head shot up with a sudden realization and as I stared at my own astonishment in the vanity mirror, I uttered those soon to be immortal words, "What we need is a day where everyone can piss on a politician's grave!"

Eureka.

The way I see Piss On a Politician's Grave Day working is one day a year as a form of civil disobedience we each choose a heinous politician of the past and shower their headstone with our praise. It would stand as as a reminder to the politicians of the present that what they do today will determine what is thought of them tomorrow.

Personally, I think it should be held the day after each election day.

When the time comes, I'll be the first in line to piss on George "Widiot" Bush's grave—no small feat, mind you, given the number of people likely to vie for that honor. And if he finds that thought sick and disturbing, then maybe he finds the idea of being sent to fight, kill and be killed in a bullshit, fucked up lie of a war cooked up by a bunch of arrogant, ignorant lying-piece-of-shit politicians less so. Maybe someone should ask him.

On a related note, it's worth mentioning that I would both piss and shit on Dick Cheney's grave except that I can't be bothered to drop my pants for that worthless piece of oil money trash.

Of course, I understand that you could probably find a reason to piss on just about any politician's grave. For example, for all the great things Abraham Lincoln did during his time as President, he was the one responsible for starting Federal Income Tax, something which I think we can all agree is pretty heinous. However, I would urge my fellow citizens to consider a politician's complete body of work when deciding whether or not to unzip and unload.

In fact, while some may be surprised by this, I think I'll probably leave Richard Nixon alone. Yeah, he was an arse for Watergate. But wasn't he pissed on enough for that while he was alive? Besides, he and Kissinger did have the vision to open relations with China. And, come on, let's be honest here. Nixon's biggest crime was simply not being that likable. Do you really think Woodward and Bernstein would have pursued the Watergate story so vigorously if Bill Clinton had been behind it? Seriously, people liked Slick Willie so much they actually wanted to believe him when he said oral sex isn't really sex.

At any rate, while I'm sure there will be debate and division over the piss worthiness of some politicians, the graves of others like James Buchanan and Rod Blagojevich will require crowd control to handle the sheer number of people desiring to express their pent up opinions. In fact, it could end up being like a whole other 4th of July complete with outdoor concerts, fireworks shows, and people having picnics and BBQs while waiting their turn—"Hey, Bob, would you mind throwing another burger on the grill while I hit the headstone?"

Of course, it goes without saying there will be a lot of drinking on Piss On a Politician's Grave Day when the beer will be doing as much good going out as it does going in. In fact, given the kind of revenue the beer and alcohol industry stands to gain from all this, I'm counting on them to mobilize their lobbyists en masse and make this holiday happen soon. Sure, there'll be plenty of initial opposition on Capitol Hill. But if there's one thing I know about politicians it's that if you wave enough money in their face, they'll sell you their mother and toss in their dog for free.

If you're reading this and asking what you can do to help move things along, I encourage you to write your representative and promise them that if they make Piss Day a reality you will never, ever piss on their grave. Honest.

Now, in anticipation of the first P. Day, I think I'll go have another drink. Who knows? Maybe genius will strike again. I'm thinking something along the lines of Kick a Bank Executive in the Groin Day.