Operators Are Standing By

"Look Honey!" my husband, Dale, gasped, pointing to a pop-up ad that had appeared on his computer screen.

I glanced up quickly, noting the surprise in his voice. It was an ad for a product promising penile enlargement. Another one. I sighed. My husband, like most men, is obsessed with the size of his penis. It functions perfectly and gives me loads of pleasure, but he is self-conscious, and thinks it is too small.

"Uh huh." I nodded, turning back to own computer screen where beautiful models with incredibly large breasts advertised an "all-natural, safe, breast enhancer."

"I am going to order this!" Dale announced, grabbing his credit card. "It is only 69.95 and says there is a money-back guarantee if you don't see immediate increases in the length and thickness of your penis."

"Whatever..." I sighed again. But Dale was not listening to me; he was too busy typing in his sixteen-digit credit card number and expiration date. And paying extra for quick delivery.

"And look, hun, it comes with their patented 'gro-lotion' to help your cock achieve maximum growth potential."

"Great." I replied, switching off my computer and wandering into the living room. I was thumbing through a Playboy when Dale reappeared. 'Why do all these women have impossibly perfect bodies,' I wondered.

"Aren't you excited by the prospect of me having a larger dick?" he asked, rather forlornly. It appeared my distinct lack of enthusiasm had disappointed him.

"Hun, I have told you this time and again, and you choose to not believe me. I love your penis. I think it is perfect." I threw the Playboy down onto the floor where our dog quickly began chewing on it. "But since you continue to be obsessed with your penis, then fine. I am glad you ordered this product, whatever it is."

"See!" Dale declared triumphantly. "You DO think my penis is too small. You practically just admitted it!"

I just stared at him. I did not say any such thing, but there was no point in arguing. Dale can be incredibly stubborn.

The next several days passed with agonizing slowness. Dale would not stop talking about how great it was going to be when he had a "new and improved penis." I tried to distract him with sex but even then, all he could talk about was the positions he wanted to try when his penis was longer.

Finally, on a Wednesday afternoon, the package arrived. It was in a plain brown wrapper, no indication on the outside that it was a penile enhancement product, just as the company had promised. Dale had not arrived home from work yet, and I considered hiding the damn package from him, just to be mean. But I couldn't do it. I placed the package on Dale's recliner instead, so he would find it right away when he got home.

When Dale arrived, he saw the package sitting there and took the package into the bedroom. He stripped off his clothes and then called me into the bedroom.

"I just wanted to give you a chance to bid farewell to the minuscule Mr. Happy." Dale laughed, beginning to tear the paper covering off the package. I sat down on the bed, shaking my head and laughing with him, or was it at him? I am not certain.

The package was wrapped in an unbelievable amount of paper. It took Dale nearly five minutes just to get all the paper removed. Then the entire box was taped shut. I was getting bored when Dale yelled incoherently and began ripping the box apart.

Pieces of cardboard went flying all over the bedroom, so I could not immediately see what Dale held in his hands and why he was suddenly cursing like a drunken sailor. When I crawled across the bed to my husband, I found that he was holding a magnifying glass in one hand and some generic moisturizing lotion in the other. I picked up the directions that had fallen from the decimated box.

"Directions: Rub some 'gro-lotion' onto your penis, when it becomes erect view your penis through the enclosed penile enhancing lens. Viola' - you will immediately see a larger, thicker penis without dangerous drugs or surgery."

"Well," I said. "At least the product does exactly what they said it would. 'You will see immediate increases in the length and thickness of your penis.'" I read the slogan on the front of the directions. I could not help myself. I began to laugh. And this time I knew, I was laughing at him.