Congratulations!
You have chosen our top-of-the-line
Trophy™
model, an elegant piece with a seductive bedside manner, guaranteed to accommodate
all
your night-time needs! To derive complete satisfaction from your piece, please read the following FAQ before trying to get it together.
***
Q. What tools will I need on the job?
A. Universal mounting hardware is essential, and a power tool always comes in handy. Do you have what it takes to drill and screw? How about hammering and nailing? And just how long is your dipstick?
Q. Mind your own business! But will I need a stud-finder?
A. Only if you want to be cuckolded; or if your dipstick is really, really, short.
Q. What if my girlfriend wants to lend a hand?
A. She may change her mind once she sees what you're getting into. In any case, keep her away from the stud-finder!
Q. She says she wants a
Trophy™
model for her side of the bed, too.
A. Oh, like that, is she? Well, in that case, I suggest you take one end each. Then you can get your end away while she gets a bit of the other.
Q. Can I handle more than one
Trophy™
model at the same time?
A. Only the most experienced handyman should try knocking up two pieces at once. But with your girlfriend to help you? Why not?
Q. Will I need insurance?
A. Not if you take care to sheath your tool. That will provide enough coverage to prevent any conceivable liability.
Q. What are the safety risks?
A. Depending on its size, your tool
may
be a choking hazard; check with your girlfriend. And be sure to keep any
small
parts away from children.
Q. My
Trophy™
model's cherry... Is it
real
?
A. More likely it's veneereal. That's the best you can hope for in a
Trophy™
