No Nut November - Christmas Edition
Β©WhiteDad - All rights reserved. No part of this work can be reproduced or utilized in any form or any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.
- - - - -
Halloween was over and the next morning there was going to be a sugar high fest as we all scarfed down the excess treats that weren't handed out.
Walking into work, I bumped into one of my younger coworkers near the coffee machine, bags and bags of extra candy on display. He asked me if I was taking part in No Nut November. I thought about it for a moment, staring at all the nutty treats on display. Just looking at it made me gain five pounds. Damn, if I ate any of it, by the end of the week, I'll likely have gained TEN!
"Yeah...I am, are you?" I replied.
Laughing, he said "No!" before wandering off laughing, but only after grabbing several mini-candy bars that I enviously saw him start to consume.
Rifling through the mix of leftover treats, I couldn't find anything that I liked that didn't have nuts. Worse, a couple of packages said the contents were made on machines that nuts were processed on. Damn!
Back at my desk, I checked my snacks. As expected, they all have nuts, were made on machines that process nuts, or had oils extracted from nuts. Fuck! How do people get through a whole month and NOT eat any nuts? I understand if you have nut allergies, like by sister-in-law and her kids, but for the rest of the world?
The Halloween candy disappeared, replaced by homemade snacks. None of which I could eat. First there was the banana bread, with nuts. Next was the brownies, with nuts. Not to be left out was the peanut butter cookies! Worst of all was the homemade baklava made by my boss's grandmother. I hated not having even one, but explained to him that I couldn't eat nuts right now due to No Nut November. He looked at me with first confusion, then laughed his ass off. He wouldn't explain why.
Every day there was something, and everything had nuts. It's amazing that I made it to the weekend before Thanksgiving without giving in. Heading home, I started my vacation. On Monday, I hopped on a plane to visit my family. I left town four years ago after my divorce. Everyone still lived there, even my god-damned ex-wife and our devil-spawn kids.
The flight went well, but I had to pass on the peanuts that were being handed out. I checked into the hotel late in the evening. I called my sister and mom to let them know I'd arrived safely. Everyone was gathering at my sister's house to start all the preparations for the big feed on Thursday. I agreed to show up late in the morning. I know how crazy things get. Most families start the cooking and preparing the day before Thanksgiving, but not my family. With twenty odd people showing up, the ladies start two days before. I have to admit, everything they do must work out right, since Thanksgiving dinner is always spectacular.
Tuesday and Wednesday went fine. The guys all talked about guy stuff as we stayed away from where the ladies were working. Unfortunately, there was a BIG bowl of candied nuts calling out to me. My sister reminded me that they were my favorites, urging me multiple times to eat as many as I wanted. Damn, that temptation was almost too great, but I held strong. I'm going to make it through No Nut November!
Thanksgiving Day arrived and meals started at breakfast. I had to avoid all the sticky buns and other pastries, they all had nuts. I kept myself to the french toast, eggs, and bacon. I would have rather had the waffles, but someone, probably my mom, put pecans in them. Damn! I love her pecan waffles!
Around Noon, my brother-in-law's sister and her family showed up. By then all the nuts had been put away and hidden. No one wanted an allergic reaction on Thanksgiving. Food was great. Desert was even better. I ended up having three plates of turkey and all the trimmings. Then I had to sample the two pumpkin pies, one made by mom and one by my sister. Just to spin up my sister, I said mom's was best. After getting a dishrag thrown at me, I ate a piece of cherry pie and one of apple, both ala mode.
Just as I was getting comfortable after eating such an excellent meal, there was a knock on the front door. I didn't think anything of it. Several neighbors had come by to say hello. Turning towards the open door, I saw a sight I never wanted to see again, my harpy ex-wife. Worse, she'd brought doofus and the two evil spawn, both of whom were busy staring at their phones. The true horror was Denise, that's the wicked witch I married, had in her hands one of the most delectable and hard to get holiday treats. A fruitcake from Pierson's Bakery.
Yes, she was holding a fruitcake. But not just ANY fruitcake, but a Pierson's fruitcake. It's about 50% candied fruit, 50% nuts, 150% amazing goodness, and soaked for a month in 100 proof top shelf bourbon. It's limited edition. They only make fifty each year, selling ten each week from Thanksgiving week up to Christmas week. They go for $250 at the Bakery, the proceeds going to the local churches for Christmas dinners. How the hell did she get her hands on one?
I looked at Denise. I looked at the fruitcake, smelling the bourbon and other wonderful odors emanating from that round masterpiece. Denise looked hopeful. Clearly the fruitcake was some type of peace offering. I stayed resolute. I'd make it through No Nut November! AND FUCK HER! Trying to get back into my good graces with a Pierson's fruitcake. That was most unfair! She almost succeeded!
Quickly and politely, I said my goodbyes, whispering to my mother that I wouldn't be visiting for Christmas. I had seen the look in her eye when Denise showed up. This was fucking set up! As quickly as I could, I extricated myself from the gathering and headed back to my hotel. I turned off my phone, not wanting to get any calls or texts.
As I walked into the hotel, I checked in with the receptionist. I requested no calls be put through and no visitors, explaining that something I'd eaten disagreed with me and I'd likely be on the pot for an extended period of time. A little white lie to keep my family from hunting me down. Getting on my laptop, a quick check on the airline website, a couple of clicks, and I was now on a 5:30 AM non-stop home. I'd be checked out of the hotel before anyone woke up and back home around the time they wondered where I was.
The flight was half empty. No surprise, who wants to fly out at 5:30AM. I slept through most of it, again avoiding the peanuts.
Traffic from the airport was another matter. Black Friday craziness was on all the roads. You'd think with all the online shopping that the rushing about from store to store would be reduced and the roads wouldn't look like rush hour traffic. A 45 minute drive turned into a three hour ordeal. By the time I got home on Friday, November 29
th
, I was beat. Only one more day and I'd successfully complete No Nut November.
Once home, I turned on my phone. Voice mail was full, and I had about 300 texts from just about everyone in the family. I decided to call Alice and Alisa, my sister's eighteen year old daughters. It only took a couple of rings before they answered.
"Hello Uncle Thomas!"
"Hi girls!"