Night Vision

"Hey, the game just started let's go watch it on the big screen," said Domenic to his friend Anthony.

"Nah," said Anthony.

"Nah, what do you mean, nah?" Dom looked at Tony. "The Sox are playing the Yankees." He looked at his friend again, "Schilling is pitchin'."

"You go ahead and watch it. I'll listen to it on the radio in the kitchen."

"Radio? What are you crazy?" Dom scratched his head. "No one listens to the radio unless you are drivin' in their car or workin' at their job."

"Yeah, well, I don't watch TV no more."

"You don't watch TV no more?"

"Nah."

"What are you boycottin' the station or somethin'?"

"Nah, I ain't boycottin' nothin'."

"You mean to tell me you don't watch the Sopranos'?"

"I haven't watched any of it this season but Gina tells me what happens?"

"Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. You don't watch no TV no more, not even the Sopranos' but you have your wife fill you in on what happened."

"Yeah."

"What the fuck?" Domenic shoved his friend. "What's wrong with you?"

"I just don't watch TV no more. That's all. Just drop it."

"Just drop it? No way. You gotta have a good reason not to watch TV no more, not to want to watch the Sox game and not to watch the Sopranos'. I love that show. It's so realistic." He looked at Tony. "What's your TV broken? 'Cause I got the spare one that I—"

"No, my TV's not broken. It's fine. I just don't watch TV no more is all."

Tony looked away from his friend fidgeting with the radio knob trying to get better reception for the Sox game.

"Ortiz takes a big swing and hits it up, way up, and gone. Homerun for Big Poppi."

"Geez, I'm missing the game already. C'mon, Tony, let's go watch the game on TV."

"I told you already. I don't watch TV no more."

"Why?" Dom stared at Tony. "Okay, you tell me why you don't watch TV no more and I'll leave you the fuck alone out here in the kitchen by yourself to listen to the game on the radio while I watch it on TV."

"It's my eyes."

"What d'ya mean your eyes? Somethin' the matter with you eyes?"

"The Doc told me it's not good to watch too much TV."

"What? What are you talking about? It's just a ballgame. It's not like we are spending hours playing video games like our kids. Now, that shit is bad for your eyes. I'm always telling my kids to go out and play instead of playing Super Mario or whatever the fuck they play. I never watched TV when I was a kid. I was always out playin'."

"Yeah, well, when we were growing up there were only 3 channels and not the 180 channels that they have on 24 hour cable. Besides, we didn't have to videos games neither."

"So, what's the matter with your eyes?"

"Nothin', I'm trying to save my eyesight is all."

"What are you going blind? Did the Doc tell ya you are turning into Stevie Wonder?" Dom looked at his friend. "You know, if you go blind, you can take that extra tax deduction for being blind. Plus you can finally get the dog that Gina won't let you get, a German Shepard. They are the best dogs to get for blind people."

"Fuck you." Tony shoved his friend. "I'm not going blind. I can see good."

"What then?"

"I read some stuff is all, you know."

"What stuff?"

"Baby boomer shit."

"Baby boomer?"

"I read that most of us will be in nursing homes."

"So? What does that have to do with not watching TV? And not watching the Sox game and the Soprano's?"

"I read that most of us will have eyesight problems."

"So? You get glasses or you get that vision surgery shit that they have now."

"Yeah, well, it's not that simple. I read that most of us won't be able to drive at night even with glasses or with surgery."

"So? By then I'll be too fucking old to drive, anyways."

"Well, I read that if you can drive at night when you are elderly that you can score with the women in the nursing home. They all wanna get out and do the things that they use to do but they can't drive. So, if you can drive at night, then, they will fight over you to drive them and will give you whatever you want, namely, blowjobs."

"You're crazy! Who wants to fuck a bunch of old hags or get a blowjob or more like a gumjob from granny?"

"Yeah, not all the elderly women are bad looking. Would you kick Vito's mother out of bed? And what about your Aunt Josephine? I'd throw her a bang, now, even."

"Hey, don't you be talking like that 'bout my Auntie Jo."

"It's all relative, Dom. We'll be old, then, too, you know. The old women will look good to us like our wives look good to us, now. You know?"

"Yeah, and what about Gina, your wife? What makes you think she'll let you drive all of these women around never mind having sex with them?"

"Gina's fat and she smokes too much. God rest her soul but I'll outlive her." He looked at his friend. "I have to think about myself when such a tragedy arrives at my door, you know. I can't go with having no woman to have sex with."

"Gee, I didn't think of that, Tony. My Angela is fat too and she smokes as much as Gina does. She probably does not have much longer to live either." Dom looked to Tony. "What about, you know, when your dick goes soft? I heard that happens when you get old."

"That's what they have Viagra for? Don't you know nothin'?"

Tony pulled out a bottle of Visene from his pocket, tilted his head back, and squirted some in his eyes.

"I've been buying this shit by the case. I use it all the time. This will help to preserve my eyesight."

"Give me some of that shit."

Tony handed his friend the bottle and Dom tilted his head back and squirted some in his eyes.

"How long before your eyes get better, Tony?"

"Not for a while, Dom. I've been using this for a couple months now and I wear my glasses less and less."

"No shit."

"Yeah."

"And when I go out, now," Tony pulled out a pair of sunglasses, the ones that they give to old people who have just had an operation for cataracts, "I wear these, especially if it is a bright sunny day."

"What the fuck? My mom has a pair of these."

"Yeah, well, these are really good. They protect your eyes even from the sides. See?"

"You look like an old fuck."

"I don't care, Dom, because I'm going to be ready when the time comes."

"You have another spare pair?"

"Yeah, I figured once I told you about the night driving that you would want a pair of these, too, so I bought you a pair for yourself."

Vinnie walks in the room and looks at Tony and Dom wearing their cataract sunglasses.

"What's up with you two? You look like my grandpa and his friend."

"Don't say nothin'," said Tony nudging Dom in the ribs.

"We, uhm, just wanted to see how we looked wearing these. I bought them for my Ma."

"Yeah," said Vinnie, "you look fuckin' dopey. Now, take 'em off. You look retarded. Besides, the Sox are playing the Yankees. Let's watch it on the big screen."

"Nah," said Dom.

"What do you mean, nah? It's the Sox playing the Yankees."

"We're going to listen to it in the kitchen on the radio."

"On the radio? Okay, suit yourself."

"He'll be sorry when we are scoring big time with the old broads in Pine Valley Nursing Home," said Tony to Dom.

"Yeah, he'll be sorry when we are driving them to the mall at night and he'll have to stay in and watch TV alone."

"Nah, he won't even be able to watch TV because he'll be blind."

"Wow!" Dom made the sign of the cross on his chest.