APRIL FOOLS 2022
Humor and Satire
The main character, Dave, has Asperger's, which is a previously used diagnosis on the autism spectrum if you've never heard of it. Dave is a higher functioning adult, but he is still socially awkward.
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"Hello, my name is Dave, and I'm speaking into this microphone so I can tell this friendly reporter, Ida, everything that's happened in my life. She wants to write a story about me for the newspaper, but the first thing she wanted to talk about was April Fool's Day pranks because today is April 1st. I explained that I can't jump around; I have to start at the beginning, from growing up to being married ten happy years with five children.
My name is Dave, not David, and my last name is Weber. My first memories were from before I started school. I remember seeing doctors and visiting hospitals. I remember being angry a lot until my sixth birthday when my dad took me to a movie, which changed my life.
The film was 2001 Space Odyssey, made by Stanley Kubrick. Even though the main character was named Dave, like me, I liked HAL 9000, and I wanted to think like him and sound just like him.
I saw the movie dozens of times in the theater, but sometimes I got mad because people talked during the movie, and I finally blew up and had a meltdown. Dad said I couldn't go to the movies anymore, so he bought me a 2001 Space Odyssey VHS tape and let me use a spare VHS player he had at work. After I started watching the movie at home, I really began calming down and not throwing fits; instead, I acted and spoke like HAL 9000, calm, quiet, and emotionless.
I memorized all the lines in the movie, and I began reciting them to all of my family and acquaintances. The word friend is missing because I have no friends, only acquaintances, which means teachers, classmates, and people I say hi to in our neighborhood. Family consisted of Mom and Dad, my older sister, and my two younger brothers.
I began communicating with my Mom using modified quotes from the movie; for instance, if Mom asked me to do something, I would reply, "Affirmative, Mother. I read you." Sometimes I couldn't help it and had to say something clever, like the time I found my Mom cleaning my room and asked, "Just what do you think you're doing, Mother? Mom, I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question." Dad had to explain that one to Mom so she wouldn't lock me in my room.
My mom eventually learned how to deal with me when I was ten. I followed her into the kitchen and talked nonstop about computer games on the Internet, and she replied that I wasn't making any sense because she didn't like Internet games. They made sense to me, so I continued talking. When she got tired of my voice, she surprised me by saying, "Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye," a line from the movie by HAL9000. I stared at Mom before leaving the kitchen, and she had a big smile on her face. After that, we communicated as equals, and Mom's HAL 9000 voice was better than mine.
My older sister, Violet, never talked to me unless she was angry about something she thought I'd done, and then she screamed at me. My typical response, which made her even more enraged, was, "Look, Violet, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you should sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over." She usually screamed even louder, then went to her room and slammed her door.
In 12
th
grade, I went on five dates set up by two football players, Rick and Bob, who I helped pass geometry. Rick explained how I should act with the girls, and Bob told me what I should ask my date to do for me on 'Paradise Hill.'
After the movie let out, I parked on the hill overlooking the town, and I asked the question. The first three girls said 'NO' and made me take them home. The fourth girl made me laugh when she said, "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." I thought that was funny because that was a HAL 9000 line from the movie. She still made me take her home.
The last girl I dated in high school scared me. Her name was Mona, and when I asked her the question, she said, 'Okay,' scooted next to me and unzipped my pants. I freaked out, jumped out of my dad's car, and told her to drive herself home. I took off running and ran home, over five miles away.
My dad's car was in the driveway when I got home, and when I saw Mona sitting on our couch, I got scared and tried to leave, but my mom grabbed my arm and used her best HAL 9000 voice ever, saying, "Dave, Mona needs to communicate with you."
I stopped struggling, and Mona began talking, and she told me how the football players weren't my friends, and she answered yes to my question because she was easy and wasn't ashamed to admit it, then she thanked me for the date, and dad drove her home.
I didn't date anymore, and I still don't understand why Bob said to ask my dates to 'choke my chicken?' What does that have to do with dating?
After I graduated high school and went to college, I discovered personal computers and decided that the movie 2001 was kid stuff, and I mostly stopped quoting lines from the movie. Now everything was about computers for me and writing programs.
Ida interrupted me, "What do you do at work?"
"I write code for computers."
"Dave, what do you like about computers?"
"They don't ask questions, haha." She looked like she was going to scream, so I guess she didn't like my joke.
"I'm sorry, I like writing programs and watching a line of code floating around in the air in front of me while I type on my keyboard. I like to play games, RPGs like Warcraft and Minecraft. My job is to write programs for the doctor so that I can have a big family, a big house, and a dog."
"Who's the doctor."
"I can't talk about him; it's a secret."
"Can you explain what these programs you write do?"
"Oh, things like making a rocket at point A take-off and land at point B 7000 miles away. But I can't talk about them."
"What was college like for you?"
"I liked college, and I made a lot of friends."
"How did you know they were your friends?"
"They all wanted to sit next to me when we had tests, and some of the girls that liked me thanked me for helping them pass and kissed me on the cheek. I don't remember helping anyone, so I think they confused me with someone else."
"Did you have a roommate?"
"My college roommate, Rich, locked me out of our dorm room once a week, usually on Friday or Saturday. I guess he did this because he was taste testing something, called the flavor of the week, whatever that means.
I asked him once if I could taste the flavor of the week, and I thought he was going into shock, he was wheezing so hard. When he could breathe again, he held the door open, so I could see a girl sitting on his bed wearing only panties, and Rich said, "Dave, meet the flavor of the week." I could see her nipples, and I remembered my sister screaming at me when I saw hers, so I left the dorm quickly.
Whenever the door was locked, I snuck into the library before it closed and hid in the back until the lights went out, then wandered around reading books before sleeping on the couch in the head librarians' office. She was pretty cool once she understood my dilemma."
"How did you meet your wife?"
"I was out for a walk, and my normal journey went past a fraternity house, and they were having a party, and they must've been drinking because people were staggering in and out the front door and falling down. I continued walking down the sidewalk, and someone grabbed my leg. I stopped to look, and this girl was on her side, grabbing my pants leg with two hands and saying, "Help. Help," over and over. I asked her if she needed help standing, and I helped her up, but she fell again and threw up on my shoes. She started choking, and I remember the nurse at my first aid class telling me, "When people drink too much, they throw up and choke, so you have to help them." So I picked her up and carried her back to my house and was going to put her in my bed when she started gagging again, so I carried her into my bathroom and held her head over my tub, and she threw up some more on our clothes."
