Miracle On Rr34 Ch 03

Disclaimer:

All characters portrayed indulging in sexual activity are 18 chronological years of age or older. Any resemblance between these fictional characters and actual people is completely intentional and meant for parody. Reviews are welcome, flames will be ignored.

This was done as a request for someone and it's dedicated to them. They know who they are.

***

Chapter 3- Christmas Wishes

"How the hell do you drive this thing?" Ginny called in a panic, her eyes wide as she held onto the reigns, twisting them wildly as she tried to steer. Up ahead of her, eight large reindeer squealed and thrashed their heads. The sleigh corkscrewed while it hurtled through the cold night air, the moon shining down on them.

"Well, first of all, stop panicking," Santa replied as he stood on the back of the sleigh, atop his huge red sack of toys. He was more or less back to his original size she had become accustomed to, now that he had sent his other 'iterations' of himself out over the globe to deliver presents. "That would be an excellent start."

"Easy for you to say," she snapped, scowling back at him for a moment since taking her eyes off her designated path seemed to make no difference to how she was doing at navigating. "You're used to doing this!"

"Trust me, between the two of us, you're the one with the easy job right now and I'd be happy to trade," he called back as he ducked wildly. A comically large rocket thundered by, with an evil-looking man strapped to the bottom of it, swinging a weapon wildly to hit Santa. "Try to keep her steady!"

"While dodging psychos on rockets, no problem!" she grumbled, trying to ignore the howling wind and roaring prrojectiles. "Have I mentioned Krampus is a gigantic asshole?"

"Repeatedly," Santa answered, watching warily. The sky was threaded with jets of fire as their enemies kept coming about in ponderous, elliptical arcs and heading back towards them, intent on their destruction. They had only just pulled off from the smouldering remains of Ginny's country chateau when the assault began. Krampus was nowhere to be seen, but his minions were clearly determined to avenge him. "Maybe urinating on him wasn't such a good idea. He never did take humiliation well."

Ginny squawked in alarm and ducked as a rocket streaked right at her. Santa jumped in the air, doing the splits to avoid the projectile and landing back on top of his present sack. Another tried to pull up alongside them but Santa grabbed the harness the man was wearing and wrenched the rocket off course, sending it speeding into one some distance away. Both rockets (and presumeably their pilots) exploded in a violent orgy of noise and flashing lights.

"Really hope people just think those are fireworks," Santa muttered as he looked glared balefuly at yet another rocket considering approaching. "Fireworks right in the middle of the world's most spastic meteor shower. Sure, they'll buy that..."

"Funny part is I can't tell if you're serious," Ginny said loudly. "If they don't believe that narrative, then they've gotta accept that Santa Claus was engaged in an epic air battle over their town with quantum men strapped to rockets."

"Truth is often stranger than fiction," Santa agreed, nodding. "Fighting these jerks off is taking too much time!"

"Well, don't you have anything in your back of tricks there?" Ginny asked. In spite of the sleigh being open, it seemed to have some weird form of climate control and she'd been getting rather warm. To that end she'd pulled down her top, exposing her breasts to cool herself off. The breeze allowed through made her nipples tingle deligthfully, but not enough to distract her from driving the sleigh.

After all, she often drove ninety minutes to her job wearing a vibrating insert in her panties, so she knew for a fact she could orgasm and still control a vehicle.

A wheeled one, at least. She wasn't so sure about a sleigh doing Mach Three at twenty thousand feet.

"You mean a weapon?" Santa asked. "In the bag full of toys for kids?"

"You gave me a nerf gun out of that bag and it turned out to be some sort of doomsday device, didn't it?" she pointed out. "Scary lightning bolts everywhere. I refuse to believe you don't have some other goodies in there."

Santa shrugged and squatted down to look inside the bag, getting narrowly missed by another rocket that shot over his head. The pilot cursed and came around again, aiming directly at the chassis of the sleigh from the side. Ginny's eyes widened in fright as she saw him approach. She jerked the reins to one side and the sleigh tilted ninety degrees, presenting its wide, flat red underside. The rocket slammed into it and exploded. Whatever it was made of or whatever shielding was in place, Ginny only heard the detonation and felt a rumble, but there was no damage aside from that.

"Ha!" Santa said, standing tall and holding an electric guitar in the air- its black body gleamed in the moonlight. He put the strap around his neck and took several seconds to tune it, ignoring the aerial mayhem that swirled around him.

"The hell are you going to do with that?!" Ginny asked, scowling as she looked behind to see what he was up to.

"You said to find something, I found something," he said simply as he checked the pickups. "Now let's see what we can do here..."

He took the pick in hand and strummed it across the strings- a screeching pulse of sound blared out from the instrument, heading in all directions. It struck several rockets nearby, which exploded brightly. Other were knocked off course, spiralling around crazily as they fought for control. Santa laughed loudly, apparently enjoying himself.

"Quit laughing and kill, red man!" Ginny yelled, nonplussed by his amusement. "I want to survive the night and I've had several close calls with death already!"

"I'm working on it, Virginia, patience." Santa chided, adjusting the tuners momentarily. "Near-death experiences make you cranky."

"No shit, Sherlock," she grumbled as he blasted out another screeching wave of sound. "Do you plan to play anything or just keep shrieking out that one sound?"

"As you wish," he said cheerfully, pleased to be doing as she asked. Making her happy was all he cared about. He began playing a heavy metal version of Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries', the pulsing walls of sound thundering out and striking every foe within hundreds of meters, causing several to detonate and others to be knocked in random directions.

"Seriously?" she called, looking back at him. "Metal?"

"What were you looking for, Katy Perry?" he answered, continuing to play. "Now there's a naughty girl."

"I'm sure I don't want to know." Ginny said, cutting him off before she heard about his sex with Katy Perry. She didn't begrudge him fucking other girls, he was Santa after all, but she didn't need to hear about them. "Can I try that after a bit? I was in a band in high school, you know, I was the bassist."

"Yes, and you absolutely sucked," he responded, pointing the headstock at an enemy and releasing a powerful bolt of coruscating energy from it, vaporizing the target. "You only got in at all because you were blowing the guy who was the singer. And you were naughty because he was supposed to be going steady with the girl who was the rhythm guitarist."

"Is that why I got sweaters that Christmas?" she exclaimed. "I wanted a real bass and I got fucking sweaters! Because I made Brad cheat on Kendra?"

"Guilty," Santa said simply, nodding and firing off another blast. "That and you lied when she confronted you about it. Helluva chick fight afterward, though."

Ginny sighed. "Well, you can't lie, so I now know I sucked at playing the bass. Is there any instrument I

could

be good at?"

"I'm pretty sure I've got a kazoo in here somewhere..." he answered.

The sleigh did a sudden barrel roll, twisting several times in mid-air.

"Wow, nice dodge move." Santa said, impressed.

"I wasn't dodging," Ginny grumbled. "I was trying to see if I could dump you out of this damn thing."

"Oh," he mused, not quite sure why, for the fortieth time tonight, Virginia was annoyed with him. "Sorry, it doesn't work like that. The sleigh can't throw me."

"Clearly."

She went back to driving, trying to ignore the chaos whirling about them. She didn't even really know where they were headed, she was just pointing the reindeer in the direction indicated by the GPS. She frowned as she counted the reindeer.

"I only count eight." Ginny remarked.

"Yes, that's right." Santa agreed. "What's the problem?"

"Well, where's Rudolph?" she asked.

Everything went silent for a moment, only the wind going by them making a sound. Somehow the reindeer seemed quieter, and they hadn't even been talking.

"Virginia, there's only one rule about Rudolph." Santa said quietly. "Don't talk about Rudolph."

"Uh... okay..." she said, wondering what the hell that had been about. "Sorry."

"No harm done, everybody gets a freebie there." Santa said, his jovial demeanour returning. He began playing again, this time a lively rendition of a song by Queen. "I taught Brian May everything he knows!"

"Well okay, even if I suck big floppy donkey dick at music, isn't there anything I can do back there while

you

drive for a bit?" she asked. "My ass is getting sweaty!"

"I don't see why not," Santa replied, nodding while crunching his way through Metallica's cover of 'Whiskey In The Jar'. "You can poke around in the bag and see if anything sings out to you."

"I wouldn't be amazed if something

did

actually do that," she sighed, putting down the reigns. The deer slackened their pace as she clambered over the back of the seat and onto the huge sack of toys that bulged in the rear. Santa put an arm around her protectively and she drew in a deep breath as she looked out through the night...

She couldn't see anything but a vast expanse of ocean beneath them. The moon and stars glittered overhead, the galaxy turning around them. She turned and looked up into his eyes, putting a hand on his chest. He smiled down at her.

The kiss they shared as they soared over the Atlantic was captured in the reflections of the waves far below.

***

Santa was a much steadier driver than Ginny, as it turned out, able to confidently perform complex maneuvres at several times the speed of sound. To be fair, he had centuries of practice and made sure Ginny knew that when he finally took over the reins.

"Nice of you to say that," she mentioned as she stood in the back atop the mound of presents. "Never driven a sleigh before, except for the make-believe one my dog pulled me around on."

She had found another gun, but this one didn't look so ridiculous, it had a very sci-fi feel to it and the black metal gleamed mencingly. She felt like Ripley in Aliens, she just hoped she didn't look quite so butch.

"Not in that outfit, you don't." Santa called back, referring to her sexy-elf clothing she was wearing.

"Stay out of my mind, creeper," she said, scanning the sky warily. "You won't always like what you find in there."

She turned and pointed the gun at another freak on a rocket, pulling the tigger. A hissing shriek accompanied the blast of plasma it fired, charring the pilot and causing the rocket to explode. She warily looked at the barrel of her weapon.

"What can this thing actually do?" she asked.

"Well, it's no wave motion gun, but it might give the

Yamato's

shock cannons a run for their money." Santa replied, still driving. "It's not like Krampus has a helicarrier or anything."

"Where is Goatse anyway?" she wondered, pointing the weapon at a distant foe and firing off another volley. "He's gotta be awake by now. Will he come after us in a rocket?"

"No," Santa laughed. "When he does care to leave the safety of the ground, he rides around in some ridiculous Steampunk balloon-dirigible thing, painted all black and deep purple."

"Wow, emo much?" Ginny muttered. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"He'll stand on the deck and yell curses while firing off these old-school cannons at me and then he gets super mad when I can't stop laughing."

"Well, if he's pants-on-head retarded enough to show up in that thing, I'll blow him right out of the sky for his troubles." Ginny declared, putting down her gun and rummaging around inside the bag again. She pulled out a long pole made of hard wood. On each end was a curved blade like a sickle. She looked over at Santa, her eyebrow raised. "The hell, dude?"

Santa shrugged. "What? Shaolin monks get presents too, you know."

"I know, I know, if they're good." Ginny sighed. She heard another rocket approaching and whirled around, swinging the

lajiatang

almost like it was a baseball bat and cleaving the rocket clean in half. The pilot yodeled in fright as he plunged into the darkness below.

"Do they all scream like Goofy when they die?" she asked, kneeling now and looking over the side, her butt in the air and exposing her tiny red thong.

"Admittedly I haven't really kept track," Santa said. "Not exactly a concern of mine."

"But... aren't they your children too?" she asked, now curious. "I mean, sure, they've gone to the Dark Side and work for Dickface now, but does that mean you can kill them?"

Santa snorted. "I'd never kill any of my kids, Virginia. Those beings aren't human. They're extra-dimensional, to keep it simple. They just look human when they exist here, to do his bidding, but they come from another dimension, like the Great Humpkin."

"Uh, don't you mean 'the Great Pumpkin'?" Ginny corrected.

"Nope, I meant what I said," he confirmed. "Guy's a huge pervert."

"Wow," she breathed. "Poor Linus."

"Well, we seem to be in the clear for now," he mentioned, sighing in relief. "I don't think the fuel in their rockets will carry them this far out over the ocean. You can move back up here if you like."

Ginny grinned happily and put down her weapon, wiggling back to the front of the sleigh. He put his arm around her and she snuggled up against him. It felt so comforting and right, to be held by him this way.

"Ever been given sleigh head, big guy?" she purred, smiling up at him slyly.

"Well, no," he chuckled. "I don't have a lot of my kids riding in my sleigh."

"Well, this kid is going to take your sleigh head cherry, then..." she said with a wink, crawling between his legs and kneeling in front of him in the foot well. She was delighted to find there was enough room for her to kneel comfortably. She pulled down his red pants slowly, smiling up at him. His huge cock was waiting for her, swelling but still soft. She took it in her hands and began caressing it gently. It felt so smooth and the gentle pulse or throb seemed to match her own heartbeat.

She leaned down and kissed the head almost lovingly. Without hesitating, she slid him down her throat, humming along the way. She knew she'd never understand the magic or weird physics behind why such a monstrosity wasn't choking her and felt so natural, but she didn't care, either. With a practiced abandon, Ginny began bobbing back and forth on Santa's cock, shivering in wet delight as he grew hard in her mouth.

The exquisite, moist heat she felt throughout her body was unlike anything she'd felt before tonight and she knew she'd never get enough of it. Thousands of meters up in the sky, the midnight vault and stars turning over them, she was aware of only him and her overwhelming desire to cum. Her tongue swirled around the throbbing shaft while her fingers teased his sac gently.

"Can you drive this thing if I sit in your lap?" she asked, smiling up at him, pulling her mouth off his cock and stroking its length with her little fist. "I'm thinking I need a really good fucking right now."

Santa looked down at her and grinned. "We've got about thirty minutes before we're over Reykjavik and our first port of call, so yes, if you think half an hour is enough to banish your horny demons..."

"Ooh, so we're handling the deliveries in Europe?" she asked, pumping his cock a little more exictedly at the prospect of visiting the Old World, something she'd never done but always wished to do.

"Some of them," he answered, shrugging. "There's gonna be a lot of back and forth all over. My iterations are not exactly assigned to regions, more like times and good to naughty scales."

"So, we could be over Paris, France for one kid and then over Green Bay, Wisconsin, for another?" she queried.

"

Not

Green Bay," Santa said, his tone suddenly very dark. "I'd rather made my deliveries in the stinkiest part of a Turkish prison."

"Not that I actually care, but what's wrong with Green Bay?" Ginny asked, intrigued, continuing to stroke his cock and sliding her tongue up and down dutifully while she listened.

"Hate that place," he muttered. "Too many sport hunters. And the idiot dads name their boys Hunter. Hunter or Logan. There's too much cheese for any of those little fatties to grow up to be Wolverine. And all the girls are named McKaela or McKenzie or McDoodle or crap like that. I quit doing shopping mall appearances and contracted out because dads kept getting their boys to ask me if I could make the Packers win the Super Bowl."

Ginny snickered. "So how do the kids get their presents?"

He shrugged. "I get some elves to sneak in and leave the presents, along with notes of rebuke to the dads who are fat-bellied hunters."

"Why, Santa, I didn't know you were such an animal rights activist," she purred as she slowly stood and turned herself around, pressing her ass against his massive cock. She ground around on him for several seconds before she felt the head split her damp lips and penetrate her. Ginny sighed in relief as she sank down onto him, all the way to the hilt. She couldn't get over how blissfully full she felt. "So you object on moral- ooh!- moral grounds to the killing of animals?"

"Well, mostly the deer," he admitted, continuing to drive as Ginny started to slither up and down on his lap, her wet pussy swallowing his cock hungrily. "Not too worried about all the cows, they're even bigger jerks than squirrels and cats."

Ginny giggled and leaned forward on the golden handlebar, shuddering in pleasure as she changed the angle of penetration. "So you... can't make the Packers win the Super Bowl?"

Santa shrugged. "Nope. Showing Brady how to deflate footballs turned out to be a mistake, he promised me he wouldn't use those techniques for evil. Don't ask what he got in his stocking. Can't make the Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, either."

"I thought... you could make... anyone's Christmas wishes come true..." she panted, bouncing her ass on his lap as she fucked him with her pussy greedily. In spite of the icy winds around them, she was sweating like a hooker in church.

"Only from a certain perspective, and only if no dishonesty is involved." Santa replied, tilting his hips up to pushing further inside Ginny, making her gasp suddenly. "It's like..." he mused, trying to think of an example. "Well, picture yourself as the office slut."

"Okay, I'm there." Ginny moaned instantly.

"That was way too easy for you," Santa chuckled. "Anyway, let's say there's some guy in the office you want to fuck. I can't just change his mind for you, but my lab could invent a body spray that shoots your phermone levels through the roof and he's hard for you from a mile away."

"Gnnnn, just think of all the guys I could fuck..." she rasped. "I could have a different dance partner every night of the week."

Santa nodded as Ginny picked up the pace, driving herself down on his erect cock with more and more force, her ass cheeks slapping against his thighs loudly. Her teeth were clenched as she fought to delay the mind-blowing orgasm that was approaching.