I suppose it was all my fault. Hardly a day had passed since I posted my story – Memoirs of a Sex Slave – before I started to receive messages from dominatrices around the globe offering to chain, gag, beat, clamp, whip, spank and keelhaul me, and then to punish my poor pussy in ways that I didn't know existed.
The prospect was terribly arousing (though, in most cases, illegal in Western countries) and rather whetted my appetite. So it was with a growing sense of anticipation that I settled down over a cup of cocoa and a packet of bourbons with my landlady, Mrs Barraclough, to sort through the pile of emailed responses.
Although Mrs B is a pillar of the community and a stalwart of the Women's Institute, the dear lady has been terribly supportive of my sexual endeavours. She says it's just that the opportunities didn't exist in her day. Otherwise she would have quite liked to try lap dancing and reckons that the late Mr Barraclough would have taken to the swinging scene like a fish to water.
'Good Heavens!' said Mrs B, flicking through the print-outs. 'This one's from a Madam Vegan. She wants to violate all your openings with cucumbers.'
'Oh, that's nothing. I said. 'There's one here from The Sushi Sun Goddess. She wants to thrash my backside with a conger eel and then insert live fish into me.'
'Wouldn't that be rather wriggly?' said Mrs B distastefully.
'It would be okay. I once had a boyfriend called Floppy Phil, but it's the fish I feel sorry for.'
There wasn't one suggestion that satisfied what I considered to be rather straightforward requirements of a would-be lesbian sex slave: namely total subservience, bondage, spanking, nipple clamping, exhibitionism and compulsory group sex, with a little light dusting and ironing thrown in. It was all quite dispiriting and, with a heavy heart, I started to prepare a standard letter of reply:
'Dear Madam Vegan / Sushi Sun Goddess / Lady Horsewhip / Iron Maiden / Mistress Thumbscrew / Birch Bitch
Thank you so much for your very tempting proposal. However, I'm afraid I will have to decline your invitation on account of my highly developed aversion to gourds of any kind / soy sauce / Paraguayan virgins' blood / barbed wire / execution chambers / gerbils (delete as appropriate).
I do hope that you are able to make alternative arrangements.
Yours obediently (in spirit)
Flora, aka Blue'
Mrs B offered me a consoling arm and, having finished our cocoa in disappointed silence, went to make another cup.
A few moments later she burst in and exclaimed: 'Flora! There's been another email. What do you think?'
She read it out: 'Dear Lesbian Fuck Slut ....'
'Well, it starts promisingly,' I said.
Mrs B continued: 'I want you now – bare-arse naked, handcuffed, pierced and clamped – to lick my boots whilst I beat your raw arse scarlet and then watch you fuck my maids of honour.
Email by return.
Mistress Purgatory
PS Transport can be provided on alternate Tuesdays.'