LST3K Ep. 05: The Naked Dumb
Welcome once more to another episode of LST3K!
Lit is celebrating Nude Day with the annual contest, and I'm going along for the ride with a voyeur story that really should have been kept under wraps. At the very least, our "
author
" has run this one through a spell checker to strip out some of the more obvious errors.
Beyond that, the naked truth is that all bets are off.
And now, a brief pause while you all groan over the preceding puns.
Trust me -- take it as easing you into the excruciating literary agony upon which you are about to embark. You are about to take a journey beyond sight and sound, into the world of imagination. A world filled with petroleum jelly and the musty smell of mother's cellars.
Submitted for your disapproval, our unnamed protagonist finds opportunity in the lackluster child rearing skills of his parents to find love in the girl next door. Copious bodily fluids and impossible dimensions await you -- in the Wanker Zone.
Turn down your lights (Where applicable)
***LST3K**********
I remember this like it happened yesterday. I still see it in my dreams.
Dark: "First person wank -- god help us all," the captive reader screams.
I was 18 years old and home alone. My parents were away on vacation in Hawaii so I had the whole house to myself. The first thing I did was raid my Dad's old porn stash in the attic.
Dark: Break out the tube socks, because it's whakkin' time -- 70s style!
I couldn't figure out how to work the projector to watch the films and I had no idea what the smaller Beta tapes were but the VHS tapes worked and there were all kinds of old porn magazines in the dusty old box.
Dark: Have to admire a guy who will own every video format just so he doesn't miss any good spanking material. Why does it not surprise me that this guy can't work an 8mm projector?
The girls all had hairy pusses and the videos had a lot of static and weird colors but it made my dick real hard. It was way better than the movies on late at night on HBO.
Dark: Not one friend coming over to suggest they have a big beer bash while his parents are gone. Telling -- don't you think?
After I finished watching the movies
Dark: And halving the supply of Vaseline in the house...
I went out in the back yard to play with my dog for a while.
Dark: You've been playing with your dog all day! Give it a rest!
Scrappy must have got bored with playing fetch because the third time I threw the ball it rolled up against the neighbors fence and he ignored it.
Dark: Even the dog doesn't want to play with him.
I walked over to the fence to get the ball and saw my hot neighbor was out by the pool wearing a bikini.
Dark: The pool was wearing a bikini? I've heard of bras for your car, but bikinis for the pool is a new one on me.
I got closer to the fence so I could see her better through the crack. She had huge double dee tits and the bikini barely covered them up. My dick got hard as soon as I saw her. I thought I was going to cum in my pants when she bent over to put a towel on the chair before she sat down on it. One of her nipples came out of the top when she bent over and I could see the outline of her puss through the bottom.
Dark: What kind of weird contortionist act is this woman doing for him to see both those things at once?
She sat down on the chair and I couldn't believe my eyes when she took off her bikini. Her tits and puss were tanned
Dark: Tanned as in color -- or like leather?
Please
tell me it's the former, because I'm having
Something about Mary
flashbacks here.
so I knew she had done this before. I wondered how many times I'd missed seeing her naked in the back yard as my 10 inch dick stuck out of my pants because it was so hard.
Dark: Is one comma too much to ask for, Mr. enormous Houdini dick?
What she did next mad my mouth open wide and drool run down my chin.
Dark: Does anyone else think this is pretty much his normal expression?
She spread her legs wide and started playing with her wet puss. She fingered her puss real fast and moaned real loud. Her big tits jiggled like Jello as she shoved her fingers into her puss and squirted puss juice everywhere. I felt drunk watching her through the crack.
Dark: Anyone who believes one word of this story must be drunk or on crack, that's for sure!
She screamed so loud when she cummed that it hurt my ears. There was a puddle of puss juice under her chair. She just kept moaning and squirming in the chair while she cummed.
I looked around to make sure nobody was looking through the bushes at me with my dick sticking out of my pants staring through the fence.
Dark: I know it's called "Old One Eye" sometimes, but it can't stare through the fence.
When I looked back through the fence she was getting out of her chair. I moved away from the fence so she wouldn't see me and know I was watching her play with her puss through the fence.
Dark: The word
fence
doesn't appear this often in the
Three Musketeers
.
My dick just kept throbbing while I pretended to do something in the back yard. I was so hard that I could cut glass with it. I had to go back after a minute and look through the fence again. I was dissapointed when I didn't see her anymore. Her bikini was still lying next to the chair next to the puddle of her puss juice though.
I went back into the house to make something to eat. I wanted to make a taco or some tuna because I couldn't stop thinking about puss after watching my hot neighbor cumming.
Dark: Bow before King Cliché! If you're already on your knees, worshiping at the porcelain altar -- welcome to the club. This story should come with a coupon for Dramamine.
I heard something banging on the back door and went to yell at Scrappy. When I opened the door it was my hot neighbor though. She was wearing a robe and it made her big tits look great. My dick started getting hard again the second I saw her.
Dark: *singing Billy Idol* Woman without a face...
Dark: We don't even know what color her hair is. I'll take
Imaginary women in masturbatory fantasies
for 1000, Alex.
She said "What were you doing by my fence earlier?"
"I wasn't." I said.
She looked mad. "I saw you by my fence. Were you jerking off and watching me play with my puss?"
"I don't jerk off." I said.
Dark: *in a singsong voice* Liar! Liar!
"You were watching me. I should call the police." She crossed her arms and her robe popped open so I could part of her big tits.
I got scared and said "Don't call the police. I didn't do it."
She pointed her finger at me and said "You're looking at my tits now and your dick is hard. I can see it. I saw you by my fence and I know you were watching me. Why shouldn't I call the police?"
I got more scared and said "Please don't call the police. I didn't mean to watch. I was just getting the ball and I looked through the fence."
"Okay. Show me your dick and I won't call the police."
Dark: Wow, I didn't see that one coming!
"Really?"
"Really."
