Losing Melba

"I hope you don't mind if I scrounge while we talk, there's a piece of paper that's pretty important to me. I got it the other day and I can't seem to remember where I put it."

My wife used to tell me that I'd lose my balls if they weren't already attached. I reckon she was probably right, she was most of the time, at least that's what she thought. For the most part, Melba was a good wife, but lord there were times that I just couldn't stand to be around that woman. I know it's not right to speak bad about the departed, but sometimes she just pushed me too far. Her mouth just couldn't keep shut, not even for a minute seems like.

Melba used to even talk in her sleep, sometimes I can still hear her. She's been gone for almost ten years now and I can remember her voice just like it was yesterday. Just last night I was layin' in bed thinkin' 'bout the time she told me how stupid I was for buyin' them lottery tickets every week. She went on and on about how I was wastin' my time and her money.

With her, it was always somethin' about money. She never was satisfied with the way I supported her. It kinda grinds on a fellers nerves after a while. She used to say, "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too."

I never quite understood how she figured it was hers to begin with. Melba never worked for no paycheck, she's what they call a doe-mess-tic engineer. Mel liked that a lot better than bein' called a housewife. I never did see what the big deal was, I was just as happy to be called a shit farmer as a sanitation expert, the turds got stirred either way.

"Speakin' of turds, you suppose I left it in the bathroom?"

You know, even with all the yellin and carrin' on, I thought we had a pretty good marriage. It's kinda funny how it's the little things that you miss. You know, like the way she used to hose me down in the back yard after work. She'd hold her nose with one hand and the hose with the other, "God damn it Ralph, you smell like shit." Whadda ya expect when you're knee deep in the stuff all day?

There's other things I miss about Melba now that she's gone. Sex for one thing, it sure ain't the same without her around. The bedroom was one place that I didn't mind her big mouth. Oh shoot, I'll bet you thought I was talkin' about blowjobs. Nah, for some reason I never could talk her into tryin' that, but she never bitched when I stuck my muzzle into her feedin' trough.

I was thinkin' more about how she used to talk all dirty and cuss when she let me screw her once or twice a year, yeah, I sure do miss that. It just ain't the same callin' my own name out when I have sex by myself. Ah well, whadda ya gonna do?

"Nope, it ain't here in the bedroom neither, shit, I hope it didn't grow legs and walk off on its own. Let's go look in the kitchen."

The kitchen is one room my wife never bothered me in. Heck, I ain't sure she even knew where it was. Mel always let me do all the cookin' but that's fine cause I know she couldn't even boil hotdogs.

I'd get home from a long day at work, Melba would hose me down, then I'd get busy with supper. After dinner I'd do the dishes and a couple a loads of laundry, it was what I called my quiet time.

Yeah, ol' Melba sure was a doozie, big mouth and all, I kinda still yearn for her. It was sure hard getting' used to bein' alone all the time but ain't much a feller can do about that. I'm sure she's in a better place now, that's what she said right before she went, "You go on about your life Ralph, I'll be in a much better place."

"My tool box, you suppose that's where I hid it?"

Life changed a bunch after Melba. I expected things to get real bad, but after a while it got better. First off, I got fired at the turd plant. That turned out to be a godsend cause the next day I got a job as a janitor in one of them fancy office buildings down town.

Melba would be proud of me, now I don't come home smellin' like an old outhouse. The pay ain't as good, but without her around, it seems to go a bunch further.

The loneliness ain't been a problem lately neither, I met a real nice woman when I was cleanin' her office one night. I was on the top floor goin' about my business and she musta been workin' late that night. Somehow we got to talkin' about fishin' and kinda hit it off pretty good. Melba hated fishin', she was always raggin' on what a waste of time it was. She just never understood that fishin' is all about wastin' time.

My new girl friend, Rita, took me fishin' a couple of weeks ago. Now that woman knows how to fish. She's got this boat up at the lake, heck, you could get twenty people on it. Anyway, we dropped our lines in the water and she handed me a beer. She was wearin' this teeny tiny bikini that barely covered her dodads. She musta got hot cause she shed that little swim suit.

In a minute or so, my fishin' pole wasn't the only rod ready for a little action. When Rita caught sight of my bait, she was on it like a big mouth bass after a woolly worm. Melba, she always told me I was nothing but a great big dick with a little man attached. Rita doesn't seem to mind one little bit, in fact, I think she enjoys it.

Rita and me were talkin' the other day about makin' things more permanent. She was wonderin' if she satisfies me or if she's sexy enough. She seems a bit worried about whether she is woman enough to keep me from chasin' other girls.

I give it a lot of thought, you know, the good and the bad. Rita owns the place that I work and that's good. I don't have to worry about her chasin' after my money that's good too. She's a great fishin' buddy, even if we never caught one dang fish. I like lookin' at her whether she's dressed or not, that's a plus. When she talks, it's always somethin' nice. That part might take some getting' used to but I think I can handle it.

The one thing that bothers me, is the way she always worries about how I feel. I ain't used to all this dang attention. With Rita, it's always somethin' like, "How's your prime rib, is it rare enough? Let me get you a cold beer Baby" or, "Do you want me to suck harder, should I lick your balls? Let me get on top and do all the work, you had a long day Ralph." With Melba, you took what you got and liked it or else.

"There you are you little sum bitch, I been lookin' all over for you."

Whew! I was getting' kinda worried there for a little while. They tell me you have to have this here ticket to get your money down at the lottery office.

I wonder how Melba would feel now that I hit the big one. She never did think it was a good idea playin' the numbers, looks like she was wrong after all. How many grocery bags do you reckon it will take to fetch my two hundred and twelve million dollars?

I think I'll stop by the cemetery and see Melba one last time. She told me to go on about my life, maybe she'd like to hear how it's goin' these days. I can just hear her now, "You dirty rotten son of a bitch, if you'd have hit the damn lottery back when, I would never have left your sorry ass." I just can't wait to see the look on her wrinkled face when I tell her. She's gonna shit nails for weeks.

You thought Melba was dead, where the hell did you get fool idea like that. She ran off with the undertaker, she lives right next to the graveyard. Yeah, she wanted a husband that had a respectable job, not a poor shit farmer like me.

All this money kinda scares me though. I got to thinkin about how Rita is gonna take the news, after all, she fell in love with me when I was poor. I hope it doesn't make her too mad. You think I oughta tell her? Maybe I should break it to her gentle like, you know, a few million at a time.