Local Theater Club

Local Theater Club 01

I suppose many cities have local theater clubs or troupes that provide stage play entertainment at a local level and the city of Middleton is no different. And it's lucky that the Middleton Theater Club managed to secure the closed down Lawn Chair Shop on the Strip as their playhouse because at least all of the paying guests have a place to sit. And to further clarify the financial health of the theater club, I volunteer work there on Saturday nights as a back stagehand for peanuts, like literally for peanuts and popcorn from the snack bar, which is a common folding table.

But since the rear of the building is smaller, there are no personal dressing rooms, so, running around while delivering the different costumes has its advantages since my eyes are often witness to various levels of undress of the actors. Well, I ignore the male actors, of course, but there are more female actresses anyways, so it all works out.

"[Headset producer Jane] and scene and curtain! Good job, people."

"[Headset producer Lois] it's a quick change over, people, so, chop, chop!"

Um, the producer's voices are not as soothing as that reads. They kind of yell, like a lot.

[Heads to the costume modification and repair seamstress area]

"Seamstress Tessa, her Grace, Mrs. Finks says her maroon and gold Queen's gown is too long and she's been stepping on it and tripping on it a little bit and she said you need to..."

"Mm-hmm, her Grace, Mrs. Fisks is tipsy from the flask she has strapped to her thigh under her leg garter belt, but go on, Ron."

"Oh, Seamstress Tessa, Ale Server Wench, Mrs. Thomas says that she's retaining water this week and needs her puffy server blouse let out a tad because..."

"Mm-hmm, Ale Server Wench, Mrs. Thomas, spent the week eating chocolates, so let's just skip ahead to the part in the play where you start referring to me as Mistress Tessa instead of Seamstress Tessa because I promise you, Ron, your sex life will get a big boost and you won't regret it for even a moment, mm-hmm! I mean, I'm 68, not dead, so?"

"But Seamstress Tessa, I mean, I don't and I haven't..."

"Mm-hmm, yet, you haven't yet, Ron, but trust me, every actress here has become quite comfortable with, you know, your backstage prep help, which is 20% groping, 20% squeezing, 20% poking, 20% grinding, 20% humping and 20% helping with costume changes because..."

Huh, with math like that, I mean, is Seamstress Tessa the best choice for reading the measurement numbers on the fabric tap measure? And my backstage job has a few perks so what?

"And all I'm saying, stagehand Ron, is that half of these women, including myself, would gladly go further with you, especially since you're such a healthy 20 something young man, who probably has it in him to spread it around, but you know, you haven't and you don't! Do you enjoy jerking off in the small Men's room just after each scene and costume changes, hmm?"

Oh, folks, um, um, that never happens because...

"And I'm only bitching, Ron, because for some reason, some unknown reason, I'm not even on your list! You heard me say that I'm willing and not dead, right? Not to mention that I absolutely win the battle of the boobs, so?"

"I mean, Seamstress / Mistress Tessa, speaking of your boobs and my hit list, maybe I've been saving you for a special costume change treat, so?"

"Oh, um, I'm listening, Ron, go on with your thoughts, unless you want to wait until the next scene starts so we can talk about things in the restroom because whacking off guys and sucking off guys was how I made it through school without getting pregnant, so?"

Again, folks, I'm Jon Snow and I know nothing about what happens in the restroom.

"Fine, Seamstress Tessa, if you want to make my list, then surprise me by swim suit modeling for me a dental floss string bikini that you create and make yourself out of a few of the fabric tape measures that you probably have laying around your work area here and make certain that the tape measures down your front clearly identify the longways length of your boobs, from the upper heave and then all the way down to your hanging nipples and expect a photo of that to be leaked out, so?"

"[Slightly stunned] oh, oh, oh my, um, I mean, I mean, I mean, Ron [pant breathing heavily], I mean, Ron, I mean, I'll get right to work on such a daring tape measure bikini tonight after the show tonight and do my best to not disappoint [tosses the act 2, scene 3 costume dress at Ron, which he caught, by the way], so, um, I flustered, I mean, flattered to make your hit it list, mm-hmm!"

I mean, who says a dental floss string bikini has to be made of ordinary strings of cotton because...

"[Headset producer Jane] people [clap, clap] approaching act 2, scene 3 curtain call, people, counting down from five minutes, people, chop, chop."

I get a kick out of two headset producer ladies, but I also avoid them as much as I can because as I just said, they yell a lot.

And by the way, I might tease, flirt and fool around a lot with the actresses, but that's as far as it goes.

[Lending a usual hand during costume change to the fair maiden, Lola]

"Tighter, Ron, pull the corset tighter and tie it off good or one of my fair maiden boobs will pop out of this cheap costume and I've invited a love interest here tonight in the audience, so I need to be the actual fair maiden tonight, now pull Ron, pull and tie my corset tight, tight, tight!"

"[Grr, pull, grr, pull, yank, pull, string, pull and ties off] there Fair Maiden Ooh-La-La Lola, that should cut off your air supply for tonight's performance, right?

"[Gasps for breath] yes [gasps] it should Ron [gasps for air], thanks [gasps for air], now push the girls up and smash them around [gasps for air] and set them in place in the corset cups [gasps], Ron."

See? There are perks to working behind the scenes of the theater. And the rumor is that I've seen these actresses in their bras and undies more in the last six weeks than their hubby's have seen them in the last ten years.

"[Still gasping] Ron, some people here backstage have taken notice that you pay more attention to her Grace, Mrs. Finks [gasps] then anyone else and if you want me to drop a hint her way about..."

"Drop a hint about what, Fair Maiden Lolita Lola, huh?"

"[Still gasping for air] oh, about how your corset tightening techniques make it obviously clear that you're a solid seven, you stand pretty much straight at attention, with a slight curl upward at the tip, which has split my dick size measuring buns on more than one occasion and I'm pretty sure that her Grace, Mrs. Finks, would absolutely get lost in the sexy moment as she bestowed a Queen's worthy blow job upon your Dragon's tail as she bends the knee before thou because..."

"[Headset producer Lois] chop, chop, people, three minutes, people, counting down from three minutes to curtain call, chop, chop, because I still see costumes hanging on their hangers, chop, chop people."

Yeah, I avoid the two female producers because it's never good times when they bark, I mean, speak, so I got back to work.

"Her Grace, Mrs. Finks, a Queen's gown [gently tosses the Queen's gown with a smile], Ale Server Wench, Mrs. Thomas [flicks the barely above rags wrap robe], Lord Earl of the North, get your own trousers, middle born My Lady, Mrs. Landers [gently tosses her middle born level costume dress], Hand Maiden, Tina Banner, stop wearing your undies under your super sheer white flowing garment robe because undies hadn't been invented yet, Court Jester, Funny Boi Babs from Midtown [tosses the body hugging Court Jester Tutu costume], um, you're on your own, Sir Funny Boi Babs, but I support you because..."

"[Snatches his-her Tutu costume in midflight] mm-hmm, I see you, stagehand, Ron, mm-hmm and you always look back and I'm okay with that, Ronnie Poo and I'm here to help you out in restroom anytime that you need a helping hand, mm-hmm."

That's worth a couple of bags of peanuts, right? Wait, I mean the work, not Funny Boi Babs, um, for the record, I mean, nope, um, but I don't judge, um, where was I in the story because...

"[Her Grace, finger snaps, snap] snap out of it, Ron and help me into my costume like you always do and you can take your time stuffing my flask under my thigh garter belt because apparently, I, her Grace the Queen, has to make the first official royal move for us having sex sooner or later! I mean, poke the Queen proper, Ron!"

I mean, as I said earlier, the costume changing area is basically an open floor space, so, my shyness doesn't help with that.

"And I wouldn't be mad tonight, Ron, if you gave my costume one of your famous deep, deep, deep worthy of a Queen wedgies with your hand sawing sideways hand because..."

Just a perk, folks, just another harmless perk of the job and even in the most modern of medieval times, I mean, people like what they like.

"[Saw, squeal, saw, squeal] OMG, OMG, OMG, I'm so seduced to be your backstage girlfriend, Ron (aha, aha, aha) saw me, Ron, wedgie hand saw me because..."

"OMG, your Grace, Mrs. Finks, keep your voice down a little, sheesh."

"OMG, finally, you're coming around! Gag me with your cock to shut me up, Ron."

"[Headset producer Lois] counting down from 60 seconds to curtain call, people, places, places, places, chop, chop people, curtain counting down from 60 seconds, people, even if I have to yell over her Grace, Mrs. Finks' wailing wedgie voice!"

Oh, maybe that's why the producers yell so much.

"[Shoulder finger tapping] um, Ron, are my rags on properly, hmm?"

"Oh, Ale Wench, Mrs. Thomas, your rags and puffy shirt look pretty good tonight, but I'm pretty sure that both of your boobs are supposed to be contained inside of your costume because..."

"Mm-hmm and you have two hands and a mouth, Ron, so?"

"[Headset producer Jane] chop, chop stagehand Ron, help Ale Wench, Mrs. Thomas stuff her mega milkers back into her costume because we're almost a family friendly show, chop, chop, people, act 2, scene 3, the commoners complaint day court, counting down from five, four, three, (silently mouths) two, one, curtain!"

[Her Grace awaits in her throne while constantly crisscrossing her legs and fiddles with her lowcut Queen's dress for who is next to approach her with their complaints or compliments]

"My Grace, the next to approach her highness is thy loyal peasant servant, Phil or as you offer refer to him, PP, my Grace."

"[Shrugs shoulders] ah yes, is it the time of the full moon again so soon, servant PP? You may approach, PP, and bend the knee before me, but no peeking up my Queen's gown."

"[Bends the knee for her Grace and immediately peeks] five greetings and four blessings, my Grace, yes, it is the time of the full moon again and I leave tonight for the village to spy on the low born, my Grace, and raid the village for fresh meat Hand Maiden's, my Grace, as you have commanded of me. However, my Grace, I beg a Queen's favor from her Grace, my Grace, since my loyalty to thy lovely Grace has gone unmatched for so long, my Grace, so?"

"[Her Grace turns to her main advisor dude] Lord Sticky of the North, have I recently passed out from the rotten wine that we drink and anointed PP as Sir Brass Balls from the Knights of the Hardwood Table and now I can't recall doing that now because it sounds to me like PP has grown a brass pair for begging a Queen's favor from thy, her Grace, the Queen, me, hmm?"

"[Lord Sticky of the North fears for his life] um, yes and no, my Grace. Yes, my Grace, you pass out quite often with your meaty legs splayed wide open from the rotten wine that we all drink, my Grace, but the wandering commoners don't mind this, my Grace, since they get a freebie dip of their wick inside of her Grace, my Grace. However, my Grace, thou already anointed thy step-step-step-step brother, Sire Rod the Bod, as Sir Brass Balls when thou caught thy own mother bending the knee to kiss his swollen sword just before battle, the battle of bands, my Grace. Peasant Phil is still just PP, my Grace."

"[Headset producer Jane] they're fubbing up the lines! It's fleshy legs, not meaty legs!"

"[Headset producer Lois] just go with it because the show must go on!"

"[Shrugs her shoulders as her Grace recalls that night behind the table of the Knights of the Hardwood Table] fine, what favor does thou PP beg of his Queen as thee bends the knee and insists on peeking up my Queen's gown [recrosses legs], hmm?"

"[Envisions her Grace on her knees] your Grace, I only beg a favor from thy Queen for one extra night in the village, after I have gathered the information on the low born that you expect of me and raided the village for fresh meat Hand Maidens, my Grace, just one night, my Grace. That's all I beg of her Grace, my Grace, so?"

"[Creaks her neck] mm-hmm, has thou loyal spy peasant servant caught the fancy of a fair maiden from the village, PP? [Turns her head] Lord Stumpy of the East, how do our Kingdom's scribes refer to these unwed fair maidens from the village anyways, hmm?"

"[Answers quite quickly!] Whores, my Grace, our Kingdom's scribes and scriptures follow all of the hit and trending show lines of the 9 Realms as we have done for a thousand years, my Grace, so whores."

"[PP starts to back track] but my Grace, thy fair maiden is not a whore, but rather a delicate flower of the village, my Grace, middleborn to a middleborn wench woman, who barely qualifies as a wench, my Grace."

"[Mm-hmm, right!] all right PP. Lord William of the Words, see to it at the next council meeting that our Kingdom's scribes are brought up to date with these modern medieval times that we live in and see to it that we shall recognize true fair maidens as um, My Lady friend, but make the Kingdom's scribes read like it's not a free-for-all for the men because it should one for one only, okay?"

"[Shakes head] my Grace, perhaps 'girlfriend' is more appropriate of a term since 'My Lady' ladies are already recognized in the Kingdom's scribes as housewives of the middleborn and side slam pieces of the neighborhood squares, my Grace, so?"

"[Raises her bejeweled staff] as it has advised to me, so shall it be that from this day forward [slams her bejeweled staff down] any unwed man and any unwed woman who fool around in sin over sins of the flesh, shall be known as girlfriend and peasant, um, wait, Lord Stumpy of the East, how do our Kingdom's scribes refer to the men who visit these middleborn Ho's to get their pillar and stones the relief that a stone pillar every couple of hours, hmm?"

"[Answers quite quickly again!] Dudes, my Grace. Righteous dudes, men, guys, studs, lucky bastards, high five worthy dudes, neighbors, shop owners, hubby's, blacksmiths, that guy, smooth operators and titles like that, my Grace, so?"

"[Swings her bejeweled staff] mm-hmm, that tracks because men..."

"[Interrupts while guarding his neck] your Grace, perhaps a more fitting term for the male's who bed everything on two or four feet shall be a 'boyfriend' as not all unwed men are low born peasants, my Grace."

"[Fiddles with lowcut dress like in the movies and causes a nip slip] fine, Lord William of the Words, see to it then. And for my loyal peasant servant, PP, you have the Queen's favor to spend one extra night in the village alone while sinfully ogling and drooling between the creamy bosom of thy fair maiden from down in the village tomorrow night and forevermore. May thy babies grow up as fair as thy fair maiden, so I said it, so shall it be chiseled into the stone scribes of the Kingdom!"

"[Headset producer Jane] dang it, Peggy popped a nipple out!"

"[Headset producer Lois] just go with it because the show must go on!"

"[Ignores her nip slip] Lord Stinky of the Stables, see to it that my loyal servant, PP, has a proper steed horse to mount for his low born spying and vixen raiding journey to the village and..."

"[Risks life by interrupting] pardon, my Grace, but perhaps thy Grace might consider anointing PP to possibly Nobleman Phil because quite frankly, my Grace, I see this girlfriend and boyfriend thing as a hard sell to the other 9 Kingdom's of Realm, my Grace and it may take thousands of years for it to catch on if the people learn that it was coined by a peasant guy named PP, my Grace."

"[Annoyed over her choices of anointed advisor Lords] my loyal, PP, I hereby anoint you as Nobleman Phil [waves her bejeweled 'anointing' staff back and forth] as I have waved and stroked off my staff, so shall it be."

"[Headset producer Jane] dang it, they're adlibbing again, adlibbing!"

"[Headset producer Lois] just go with it because the show must go on!"

"[Shaking in his peasant guy boots] my Grace, I am blessed with thy Queen's favor, but if I may risk my life one more time, my Grace, but I, Nobleman Phil, am also in need of they Kingdom's Blacksmith, my Grace, for thou fair maiden's nasty ass step daddy, daddy, slapped a chastity belt on thy fair maiden when she was barely a maiden and then he lost the fucking key, my Grace, he lost the fucking key, my Grace, so?"

"[Well, talk about fresh meat] Sir Harold of the Hammer, does thou have a chastity belt lock pick kit and can thou keep thy fingers in control and not slap fap thy self while removing this bitch from the village, chastity belt, hmm?"

"I mean, my Grace, I mean, first of all, my Grace, it seems like a small price to pay for thy lock picking services, my Grace, but for a Queen's favor trade in the future, My Grace, as you command, my Grace, thou shall finger free pick thy fair maiden's..."

"[Headset producer Jane] not in the script, not in the script!"

"[Headset producer Lois] shut it, because the show must go on!"

"[Trade?] pardon, Sir Harold of the Hammer, thy Queen, her Grace, me, might need the 411 on this promised trade before knocking out another trusted advisor as I swing my Queen's bejeweled staff all around, so?"

"My Grace, thy Sir Harold of the Hammer, me, only asks of thy Grace, to be awarded the government contracts for all chains and wrist cuffs making for thy Kingdom's upcoming Amateur Night Brothel & Pub Crawl in thy Kingdom's Silk Alley, my Grace, another small price to pay, with huge profits, my Grace."

"[Shrugs shoulders] OMFG, has it been 26 Fort Nights already that the Amateur Night Brothel & Pub Crawl Festival is upon us again? Sir Dirty Dawg, is thou chain of brothel shops cleaned and prepared for thee upcoming 'me love you long time' festival, hmm?"

"[Quick to response] indeed, my Grace, thy Sir Dirty Dawg, me, has a crew of six of your older Hand Maiden's on their hands and knees as we speak and as soon has your hubby finishes having his way with each of them in that position, my Grace, then the floor scrubbing shall commence, my Grace."

"Hmm, and without speaking so it does not get recorded in thy Kingdom's meeting minutes, does her Grace, the Queen, me, have a private booth cubical in your chain of brothel this season, hmm?"

"[Wink, wink] and with a pole, which thy son has been pigeon messaging about with all the youth of the Kingdom, my Grace. And for one more small Queen's favor, my Grace, thy promises that thy son, Lord Low Hung, shall fan thee with the big green leaf stick, my Grace, so?"

"[Mm-hmm, Lord Low Hung should be anointed as Sir Pony Cock!] Well, Sir Dirty Dawg, since we seem to be on a Queen's favor roll and all today and for the promise of a cute and alluring green leaf hand bra, what does Sir Dirty Dawg require, hmm?"

"Your Grace, is it more than a small Queen's favor to ask that thee gets anointed thy as Sir Snoop Dawg, my Grace, a Queen's favor that I'd give my last remaining nut for, my Grace, so?"

"[Shuffling feet from the shadows] objection, my Grace, pardon, my Grace, but objection!"

"[Great, the lawyer drama queen!] Lady Lawyer Lydia of Smoke & Mirrors, what is thou impending and loudly spoken objection, hmm?"