I love how my man looks, kind of, not really, well...not at all.
A woman compares her man to hot celebrities.
My man compared to other men is no 10. Maybe, on a good day and in low lighting, when he shaves, showers, and dresses in something other than a tee shirt and sweat pants, he is a 3 or a 4, and from a distance...of about ¼ mile, he is a 5 but he is an 11 to me.
Pardon me for a moment.
"Honey, please stop farting like that, you are going to burn another hole in those pants. And please stop the burping; too, you are scaring the dog, again. That last burp set off your car alarm. Okay, Buster, it's okay, it's only Bob. C'mon, Buster, get out from under the bed and I'll give you a cookie."
My man is no manly man, macho man, man's man, boy toy, hunk, stud, hottie, model, dream man, romantic vision, one-in-a-million or one-of-a-kind but, to me, he is someone special. And after a day of binge drinking, smoking weed, popping a Valium, and doubling up on my anti-depressant drugs, when I close my eyes, rub them, open them just a crack while continually blinking, and view him through blood shot, blurred vision, he is a handsome man, almost, kind of, not really, well, not at all, but I love him, kind of, a little bit. Fuck, we have three kids together and he has a good job. I'm stuck with him.
My man does not have shiny, straight, black hair like Elvis, thick, lush hair like Colin Farrell, or long blonde hair like Brad Pitt. Yet, to me, his mousey brown, dirty, straggling, thinning hair and receding hairline makes him stunningly gorgeous in an alien, Star Trekkie sort of way.
Sorry, excuse me for a second.
"Honey, what happened to your hair? Are you having a bad hair day? Did you sleep on it? Your hair looks like a comb-over that does not want to be combed over and is rebelling. You should try brushing it because the other side is sticking to your head as if there is maple syrup in it. Here's some money. Make an appointment at the hair stylist. Oh, you just came from Butch the Barber and Taxidermist. No, uhm, it looks good, if you like the owl with one wing extended look. Maybe, you should wear your baseball cap, today. Yeah, the one that makes you look like Joe ice-cold, er I mean Joe cool."
Note to self, go down to Butch's barbershop tomorrow, demand a refund, and have him show me his license to cut hair.
After that accident with the BB gun, my man does not have big, brown bedroom eyes like George Clooney or Mel Gibson, but with his one beady little eye and coke bottle monocle, he is still my one-eyed and glass-eyed man.
"Sweetie, instead of wearing that outdated monocle, maybe you should wear a contact lens. I know; you cannot touch your one eye. Okay, never mind."
Note to self, get information on laser eye vision surgery. It will be only half the price to do the one eye. Where was I? Oh, yeah...
My man has a perfectly respectable penis the size of a typical Asian penis; only he is Caucasian and not Asian. Unfortunately, he is not hung like Troy Aikman, the retired quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys or Jim Thome of the Chicago White Sox or John Rocker of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. So, what if he does not have a big cock? It is the quality of the sexual encounter and not the size of the sex organ that matters. Right? Isn't it? Please, tell me that it is. Besides, I have a huge, black dildo that I use to satisfy myself, once he rolls off of me and falls asleep. Sure, he could never pose for Playgirl but that is okay with me. I do not want women ogling my man's small penis. It would be embarrassing to receive comments from viewers, "Where's the beef?"
Sorry, again.
"Hey, Baby, maybe you should slip a pair of tube socks down the front of your pants or wear a jockstrap under your jeans to give you more of a manly form. Having a bulge in front, other than your mountain of a stomach, is not a bad thing, you know. Oh, you already have your wallet, car keys, and cell phone squashed down the front of your underwear? Yeah, I see it now. It looks, uhm, good in a lumpy, tumor sort of way, especially with the car key sticking straight out like that. It makes your cock look huge, really, in a pointy, thin, spiny sort of way."
