Though my closest brush with the act of sexual intercourse in the past forty-eight months has been shaking the hand of the adult film star Cherry Von Pineapple at a pornographic bookstore as she signed copies of the newest volume of her eight-part autobiography
(That Doesn't SOUND Like Something Jesus Would Want Me to Do, Fendoot Press, $12.95)
, I feel that I, an author of erotic tales, have much to offer young men who are seeking guidance in improving their sexual relations with their wives, girlfriends, or regular paid escorts. Thus, I offer this simple guide to the dos, don'ts, and you-should-castrate-yourself-with-a-pizza-cutter-
for-even-thinking-thats of physical intimacy, otherwise knowing as lovemaking, "doing it", or "saluting the velvet Lincoln."
1) TALKING ABOUT SEX
Talking about sex with your partner is widely recognized as one of the worst substitutes there are for actually shnazzing. While sharing your feelings, desires, fears, wants, and fantasies can be a mature way to open new doors in your sex life, it often takes more courage to open up than it does to simply walk in the door at the end of the day and announce, "Wife or lover, I am horny." Experts estimate that in the time it takes to stage an honest exchange of sexual desires (fifteen to twenty minutes per year, in some cases!), a man could flail about wildly on a clitoris with his tongue and probably get lucky and somehow cause an actual orgasm, which leads to instant, not delayed, gratification for her and a greater willingness to please her man in turn. Remember, "talk" is what led to such disasters as the Louisiana Purchase and Pepsi Blue.
2) SETTING THE MOOD
While men wouldn't mind going at it with their girl in a filthy apartment or even the bottom of a used test tube, most women prefer to make love in an atmosphere of soft lighting, soft music, and cleanliness. If you're having a girl over to have sex, try to make an effort to remove at least some of the evidence of the evening's earlier sex you had with someone else. Don't just give your bedroom bureau a once-over with a rag and some Pledge; go all out and wipe the spungo off the handles if you can, and if you were videotaping your sex an hour before with Girl A, it's usually expected that you pop in a fresh tape afterwards so Girl B will feel she's a little bit special.
You might want to consider preparing dinner for your partner before moving into the bedroom. Try making something light and low in fat to make sure both your systems are ready to rock come showtime. Vegetable lasagna or a nice chicken stir-fry should work well, while traditional male favorites, like the twelve egg Omelet Dog or fried southern porkbean with chili bacon sausage sauce, should be avoided. It's okay to order takeout from a nice Chinese restaurant or an upscale French bistro, but a woman should be allowed to physically eat her meal in the dining room or kitchen instead of having to consume it right next to the front door merely because you're so hard you can't wait another minute to light the Olympic torch, as it were.
Remember above all else to close the blinds before you have sex to make your sweetie feel more relaxed. If making love while confined in a futuristic human zoo, wait till full dark and try to move partially inside your feed-cave.
