How To Be A Good Lover

Though my closest brush with the act of sexual intercourse in the past forty-eight months has been shaking the hand of the adult film star Cherry Von Pineapple at a pornographic bookstore as she signed copies of the newest volume of her eight-part autobiography

(That Doesn't SOUND Like Something Jesus Would Want Me to Do, Fendoot Press, $12.95)

, I feel that I, an author of erotic tales, have much to offer young men who are seeking guidance in improving their sexual relations with their wives, girlfriends, or regular paid escorts. Thus, I offer this simple guide to the dos, don'ts, and you-should-castrate-yourself-with-a-pizza-cutter-

for-even-thinking-thats of physical intimacy, otherwise knowing as lovemaking, "doing it", or "saluting the velvet Lincoln."

1) TALKING ABOUT SEX

Talking about sex with your partner is widely recognized as one of the worst substitutes there are for actually shnazzing. While sharing your feelings, desires, fears, wants, and fantasies can be a mature way to open new doors in your sex life, it often takes more courage to open up than it does to simply walk in the door at the end of the day and announce, "Wife or lover, I am horny." Experts estimate that in the time it takes to stage an honest exchange of sexual desires (fifteen to twenty minutes per year, in some cases!), a man could flail about wildly on a clitoris with his tongue and probably get lucky and somehow cause an actual orgasm, which leads to instant, not delayed, gratification for her and a greater willingness to please her man in turn. Remember, "talk" is what led to such disasters as the Louisiana Purchase and Pepsi Blue.

2) SETTING THE MOOD

While men wouldn't mind going at it with their girl in a filthy apartment or even the bottom of a used test tube, most women prefer to make love in an atmosphere of soft lighting, soft music, and cleanliness. If you're having a girl over to have sex, try to make an effort to remove at least some of the evidence of the evening's earlier sex you had with someone else. Don't just give your bedroom bureau a once-over with a rag and some Pledge; go all out and wipe the spungo off the handles if you can, and if you were videotaping your sex an hour before with Girl A, it's usually expected that you pop in a fresh tape afterwards so Girl B will feel she's a little bit special.

You might want to consider preparing dinner for your partner before moving into the bedroom. Try making something light and low in fat to make sure both your systems are ready to rock come showtime. Vegetable lasagna or a nice chicken stir-fry should work well, while traditional male favorites, like the twelve egg Omelet Dog or fried southern porkbean with chili bacon sausage sauce, should be avoided. It's okay to order takeout from a nice Chinese restaurant or an upscale French bistro, but a woman should be allowed to physically eat her meal in the dining room or kitchen instead of having to consume it right next to the front door merely because you're so hard you can't wait another minute to light the Olympic torch, as it were.

Remember above all else to close the blinds before you have sex to make your sweetie feel more relaxed. If making love while confined in a futuristic human zoo, wait till full dark and try to move partially inside your feed-cave.

3) FOREPLAY

Recent studies have suggested that a woman's thelma makes up only two to three percent of her total body area, contradicting the findings of virtually every porno film ever made. A woman has many erogenous zones, and you must not confine yourself merely to her choodle. Doing little things like licking her choodle or gently rubbing her choodle are also appreciated, while putting your penis in her choodle and humping her sweet choodle can also lead to pleasurable sensations in her hot choodle.

4) BRINGING YOUR PARTNER TO ORGASM

It may ease a man's mind to find out that the word "orgasm" has more than one definition, and it doesn't necessarily have to mean some mindblowing, screeching climax for your lover. "Climax" can mean an intense tingling that builds in waves and satisfies her, or it can just mean a mildly heightened, perfectly calm feeling of sensory pleasure. It can also be taken to mean the slightest rise in physical response from your lover, or even an occasional sound that suggests everything is somewhat tolerable and she is willing to continue with what you're doing for the time being, or a cozy descent into a passive half-sleep for her while you go about your business. All these things fall under the definition of orgasm for a female, so perk up; it's not as hard to get her off as you might think!

5) AFTERWARDS

When a man is finished with sex and all the lotions and mustards have been put away, he tends to want to either go right to sleep or leave the county entirely. This is understandable, but a decent excuse for not sticking around to cuddle is expected. Early meetings or emergency surgery are tried and true fibs which are usually tolerated by women. Telling her you just remembered you left your car on fire, or that you have to quickly get back to the year 1914 to warn Archduke Ferdinand about his impending assassination, is not quite going to cut it plausibility-wise. When all else fails, it can't hurt to be honest with your lover about your desire to spend some time alone. The key here is knowing when to cut off your sentence at just the right moment. Saying "Darling, I really enjoyed the lovemaking, but I'd like to be alone for a bit" is all right; saying "Darling, I really enjoyed the lovemaking, but I'd like to be alone for a bit because I tend to get kidnapped a lot and held for ransom by agents of the Mossad and I'm worried they might think you're with me and my bank won't insure two people" is going to defeat the purpose of sharing your true feelings. And try to keep the first part of this sentence as intact as possible. "Darling, I really enjoyed the lovemaking" is far preferable to "Darling, I really enjoyed getting a piece of pony" or "Babe, I'm all sugared out on your fat oats".

6) KEEPING THE SPARK ALIVE

There are so many ways to keep a woman sexually happy it's not even funny. One of the best ways is to make her feel completely comfortable with telling you that she'd really like to do somebody else for a while. When she is someone else's girlfriend, be supportive and wish her well in doing this other man. And if things with the other man don't fan the flames of passion quite enough for her, and she decides to move on to find yet another wangie that isn't yours to jazz on, let her know that you still support her one hundred percent and continue to hope that her ongoing quest to find great long-term shnazzing goes well. This both eases the pressure on you to be a perfect lover and makes her feel she has a real friend as she searches for true sexual happiness.

7) SELECTING AN APPROPRIATE WEDDING GIFT FOR YOUR EX-LOVER AND HER NEW HUSBAND

It is good form to always consult the happy couple's bridal registry when selecting a gift. If nothing on their registry seems appropriate or affordable, an offering of cash, presented in a tasteful envelope bearing the names of both spouses, is acceptable.