Goldie Loc and 7 Small Men

Goldie Lock was a very plain woman with long black hair. Mr and Mrs Lock had named their dark haired daughter Goldie because they were fans of Goldie Hawn, and because they were stupid. Now she was lost in some woods and had just discovered a cottage.

Meanwhile, at Palace Street police station, Detective Superintendent Queen showed her crime file to Detective Sergeants Hunt and Man, and stressed the importance of catching her. "Known aliases Snow and White, using stolen driving licences as ID. Though as Jacob Snow is a bald black male and Cedric White has a beard, I guess people do not always check properly."

The cottage had minimal security, so she was soon in, and searching it for valuables, but found very little. She was hungry, but there was nothing in the kitchen except porridge. So she made some, but it was too hot and burnt her mouth. She let it cool down until it was too cold, and discovered she had used salt instead of sugar. She tried making some more, but just could not get it right.

Feeling tired, she laid down in one of seven beds, not of generous size, and fell asleep. Thus she did not notice the sound of the song '

Cwm Rhondda

' until the door was opened and seven Welsh miners came in. They were small men, which was actually handy down a mine, and carrying their picks and shovels because there were a lot of bloody thieves down the pit: you couldn't leave anything for a minute without it getting nicked. They were the owners of the cottage, which they had inherited from their forebears.

"What whore's been sleeping in my bed?" asked one of them. Goldie told them a sad story which they didn't believe for a moment, and they introduced themselves. Because most of the men down the pit were called either Dai Evans or Dai Jones, the miners had to have nicknames to reduce the confusion.

Their leader was called Doc, from his involvement in fixing greyhound races with pharmaceuticals. The others were Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy and Dopey. She didn't ask why, though wondered if Dopey had some drugs he could let her have, or was just too stupid to realise that his name was an insult. Sadly it turned out the latter, and she did not yet know about Doc's sideline.

"You are welcome to stay," said Doc, "if you do some cleaning, washing and cooking." She said she didn't do housework, but did do handjobs, so they agreed she could stay.

Each morning the miners would go off to work, singing a sad Welsh lament '

Fwk da Bos

' Goldie would grudgingly go off to the shops to buy food and cigarettes, and keep her hand in at shoplifting. Then she would watch daytime TV and carefully ignore the housework. Sometimes she would sing and birds and animals would hurry away from the cottage.

After a couple of weeks, Doc said that like Margaret Thatcher, she should fuck the miners. She adamantly refused until he showed her some money. She wandered where he was hiding it. She agreed to fuck every single Dai.

Sneezy was the easiest as he came almost immediately. Bashful was the worst as he was quite a violent man, into rough sex. She sometimes imagined how good it would be if he was arrested by Detective Superintendent Queen, and resisted arrest with aggravated assault until he accidentally fell down the stairs at Palace Street Station, several times. She didn't actually enjoy fucking any of them, except one. Dopey just had no idea, and she had to do all the work. Sleepy was far too big and floppy, while Grumpy was far too small. Doc insisted on doing it up her arse, while calling her Derek. But Happy was just right.

It had to be sheer blind luck. It can't have been effort or competence, but Hunt and Man happened to meet her in the local shops. She said she would take part in any sexual practice, no matter how perverse if they could somehow forget that they had seen her. They took a down payment at the cottage and said they would be back every week to keep them forgetting.

Hunt and Man concocted a cock and bull story and used their well-practised skills in faking evidence so it was recorded that she had died. They returned each week to refresh their lack of memories. Goldie stayed in the cottage until she found where Doc was keeping the proceeds of race fixing. She then buggered off, leaving a note saying she had also taken the pictures, should he be foolish enough to tell the police.

When she was later caught, Hunt and Man were demoted. Detective Superintendent Derek Queen had to take early retirement after the Chief Constable received a compromising photograph.