"Ginger, did you ever do a Gorilla?"
"What, Taylor, is that a hint you want to go to the zoo?"
"No Ginger, it's a serious question."
"Well, what kind of gorilla are we talking about here? The mountain gorilla? The lowland gorilla? Orβ"
"Ginger!" Taylor interrupted, "I'm talking about the Glasgow Gorillas!"
"They have gorillas in Scotland? That's a new one on me."
"A somewhat local soccer club, silly girl. Glasgow is a little borough northwest of Pittsburgh. Don't tell me you never heard of it. About a hundred people live there."
"It does sound familiar for some reason. I've never met any of those dudes on that soccer club."
"You will be meeting them soon, and they probably will be meating you." Taylor giggled.
"Huh? What in the world are you talking about, Taylor?" Ginger snapped.
"They are having a friendly to celebrate Nude Day."
"What's a friendly? Sounds kinky."
"Oh, it's a soccer match that doesn't count for the standings or something like that."
"Who are they playing? As if I really care."
"Us. Our soccer team."
"We have a soccer team?"
"Sure we do, Ginger. All the other girls in our sorority are playing. At least the ones who are around this summer."
"I didn't know the other girls played soccer, except me, in high school."
"Yeah, you were like a star so I heard."
"Made all-city. I even got a couple scholarship offers, but I wanted to go to a big school like ours, and I wanted to concentrate on my studies not sports."
"Ginger, you don't study at all."
"We are off for the summer, Taylor, why would I be studying?"
"I never saw you studying last semester. Ever."
"Hey, I got all A's, didn't I."
"How in the world did you do that? Without having an advance copy of the exams?"
"Did you ever wonder why the knees on my jeans look so worn out?"
"I thought you bought them that way."
"Yeah, right. Now why would I want to play in a soccer match against some dipshits called the Glasgow Gorillas?"
"Because you have so much to gain?"
"Oh, like what?"
"Why do you want to get all A's?"
"Top grades equal a better job, which means more money. Not to mention that my father pays me $100 for every A."
"There you go. The reason why you are going to play in this soccer match along with the rest of us."
"Money? Who would pay to watch a bunch of us play soccer? Get real, girlfriend. The World Cup is going on and people can watch it on TV for free. I'm sure we would really suck."
"Exactly!"
"Taylor, you are really pissing me off! Just tell me!"
"Okay, okay. Don't go having one of your psycho-bitch drama queen hissy fits. Out of these 100 people who live in the borough of Glasgow, 40 are men between the ages of 18 and 44. Half of those 40 are on the Gorillas. Although the two oldest ones are coaches." Taylor paused, looking for a reaction.
"Yeah, so what? I'm not impressed."
"Everyone who lives in the borough of Glasgow is a nudist."
"Yeah, right."
"Really. Here, look at this pic of the Gorillas."
Ginger's interest appeared to be piqued for the first time. "Uh . . . those dudes have big dicks. Relatively speaking."
"They are playing the soccer match against us naked, Ginger."
"Really?"
"And guess what."
"What?"
"We are also playing naked. Well, except for our hats. You don't think people will pay to watch a soccer match between a bunch of dudes with big dicks against some hot college babes where the only thing anybody wears is a hat? We have to wear a hat so that one player can be distinguished from another. They certainly don't want us to wear a jersey or anything that covers anything important. Well, we are allowed to wear shoes too."
"Where's my hat?"
"Here. Write your number on the front and back with this magic marker."
"What's my number?"
"It's 69. Every girl's number is 69."
"What's the name of our team?"
"We haven't thought of one yet."
"How about Ass-hoe Girl-thrillas."
* * *
The next day Taylor called Ginger all upset.
"Ginger, we don't have enough players! Ashley twisted her knee playing golf and can hardly walk."
"How did she do that?"
"Uh . . . rumor has it she was trying some kinky maneuver on the last hole. You know, the 19th. With that hunk of a biker dude she just met last week."
"Hey, I bet I can get my sister Rachel to play. She likes moola. Tell me again how the money is going to work."
"The guy, Max, running this show owns a strip club. He has sold 10,000 tickets at $50 a piece. We get half of the gate and he gets half."
"What about the Gorillas?"
"Oh, they are doing it mostly for free. I guess they like the idea of playing against naked chicks. The Gorillas can get money from the fans, though. Max gets all the money from the concessions, the booze and the food. But we can get money from the fans too."
"For what?"
"Well, the fans are allowed to run onto the field momentarily and give money to the participants. Like for plays we make that they really appreciate. Max's idea. Kind of like when the patrons put money down a stripper's G-string."
"Where are we going to put the money?"
"Hey, you have a choice. Your hat or your shoes Incidentally, Max rejected your name for the team. He went with the Blitzburgh Babes. Too late to change it now since it's on all the advertisements."
* * *
The day of the game arrived. Nude Day. The stands were packed with many more than 10,000 fans. About 50 people sat together in one section and were all naked.
"Hey, those people are naked!" Rachel exclaimed. "Won't they be arrested?"
"Rachel, we are naked too," Taylor snapped. "So are the Gorillas."
"Yeah, those dudes are disgusting!" Rachel observed. "All hairy and sweaty from warming up. But yinz are totally hot! I'm glad you guys asked me to play, but is this legal? I don't want to wind up in jail. Ginger got pissed at me the last time she bailed me out Geez, all I did was pump my gas naked on a dare. Just my luck some church bus was filling up at the same time. If it would have been nuns instead of priests and altar boys, I wouldn't have got busted."
"Max paid off the cops," Taylor advised. "No worries."
The match began and less than a minute in Ginger got a yellow card.
"What the hell was that for?" Ginger screamed belligerently, her face becoming as red as her hair.
"You are not allowed to use your hands that that, young lady," the referee admonished.
"I never touched the ball! I never touched his balls either. It was his penis I grabbed when he went past me with the ball. Hey, he has an erection. That should get a yellow card. It's very distracting. All these Gorillas have hard-ons."
The yellow card stuck and the Gorillas scored a quick goal. Several naked fans ran onto the field and showered the striker with twenty dollar bills.
"Wow, I want some of that money," Ginger said, "but they are going to score all the goals. We need to do something to distract them, me thinks. Rachel, remember that time when you were undergoing a sexual identity crisis and thought you might be a lesbian?"
"Oh yeah. I had high anxiety. Did I ever."
"And you suggested that we have sex so that you could find out for sure?"
"Who could forget. High anxiety turned into multiple orgasms."