"I refused to spend another Valentine's Day alone in my dorm room eating chocolate that I stole from what my roommate's boyfriend got her," I said. My best friend Emma held the ladder as I taped more paper hearts to the dorm hallway. Every person walking by us was holding hands with their significant other. "Even Betty has a date for Valentine's Day, and she stabbed two guys last year."
"Yeah, but the rumor is she gives good head," Emma said below me.
I climbed down the ladder, deciding I was done decorating. "I'm not going to find a date taping paper cutouts to the wall, despite what my Mom claims. I might have to actually ask a guy out," I said, crumpling the paper cupid in my hand.
"Denise, it's noon on Valentine's Day. I think it might be a bit late for this. What if you work on getting a date for National Employee Appreciation Day on March first?" Emma suggested. Are you kidding me, Emma? Restaurants are already booked solid for that holiday. But it doesn't matter. I'm not giving up on getting a date for Valentine's," I said, slamming my fist into my open hand to emphasize my resolve.
Down the hall, I saw Edward Oswald, my long-term crush, and I became inspired. "I'm going to ask out Edward."
Emma looked up and saw me staring at him. "Good. You've been lusting after him ever since that time he laughed at you when you tripped into that tray of old clams in the cafeteria."
"God, his laugh was sexy. I still get wet every time I smell seafood" I shook my head. I needed to focus on actions. Another night masturbating to the eight pictures Edward had posted on his Facebook page wasn't going to get me a date with him, despite what my sexually open roommate claims. It was nice of my roommate to say I could masturbate while she was in the room, but it became weird when she started getting mad when I did it without her around.
"So go and ask him. He's just over there," Emma pointed out.
"Are you crazy, you dumb bitch," I said, using the nickname I use for Emma.
"I really hate it when you call me that, especially when you sign my name on group projects with those words. I had to repeat calculus as the records showed I hadn't completed the final project. Dumb Bitch though, got a solid B."
"And I've told you. In my family, you call the person you care about most 'dumb bitch.' I understand it has a different meaning to you, but to me, it's a term of love," I said, reminding her of this for the zillionth time. "Anyway, you can't just ask out a guy like Edward with nothing to bring him. This is Valentine's Day. I need to get him a card, chocolates, flowers and have a reservation for dinner ready to go."
"Those are things guys usually get girls for Valentine's. We girls have it easy. We just need to bring the tits and ass," Emma pointed out.
"That was true when our grandfathers took their dates to the racial exclusive sock hoop, but this is 2024. The rules have changed." I watched as Edward stood in the hallway and admired the Valentine's decorations we had been putting up. "But I can't just get him any old gifts. They need to be his favorites. But I don't know anything about him besides that he throws up when a girl trying to flirt with him smells like old clams. I need to gather information on him."
"Denise, is this going to be one of those times you highly overthink something and make an over-complicated plan with unforeseen consequences? Remember when you accidentally live-streamed that sorority house's shower to the entire internet for a month? All for a physics assignment?"
"I got a 72 on it, so I call that a win," I said. With how much those girls experimented with each other in the shower, I think it's fair to say they were going to end up doing porn at some point anyway.
"First, I need to know his favorite color. His academic advisor, if he is any good at his job, should know that. Next, his favorite flower. His best friend lives on the floor below ours. He should know."
"Why do you think his best friend will know his favorite kind of flower? Do you know mine?" Emma asked.
"What am I, your lesbian lover? I don't have a fucking clue. Anyway, I also need to know what chocolates he likes. His parents live in town here. I'll go to his Dad for that. Finally, where does he want to go to dinner? I'll go to his Fraternity brothers and ask them," I said, writing all this down.
"You said you didn't know anything about Edward yet know who his advisor is? You know where his parents live," Emma questioned. "Also, why don't you just ask one of those people all four questions. Why just ask each one question," Emma pointed out.
"Because, dumb bitch, it would be creepy to ask one person all those things. You need to spread it out so you seem crazy."
"Stop fucking calling me that, Denise!"
"Term of love, Emma. Term of love," I said, reminding her.
I looked back at Edward. He was in his fifth minute of admiring the pink heart I taped to the wall. "Edward is such an innocent, pure being. That's why I'd be perfect for him. I've never even kissed a man before, let alone been touched by any. I'm as pure as they come," I said softly.
"With the exception of the excessive masturbation you do," Emma replied.
"Well, of course, with that exception. I'm horny as hell all the time. Even innocent girls need to flick the bean." With my conversation with Emma ending as they typically do, with me admitting I'm horny, I made the walk to campus to find Edwards's academic advisor.