WARNING! Contains satirical themes of religion. Some references will be lost if you have never listened to Led Zeppelin's song "Stairway to Heaven." Thank you!
*
Chapter 1: Stairway to Heaven
The soft sounds of guitar strumming and wooden flutes invaded her mind. Stairway to Heaven, that was the name of the song. It played vibrantly as she watched the black shadows that tried to flee from her. She could hear the curses, foreign and English in grating hissed voices. She was closing in. There were three, a red flame demon and two blue lesser flame minions slightly behind.
She licked her lips, anticipation zipping through her veins. She couldn't wait. She was herding them toward the pier. It was a commonly known fact that sweet little flame demons could not swim. She sped up and jumped down from the building rooftop as the demons stopped short, seeing the dead end. They blanched at the black ominous water and turned only to see her blocking them in her sinuous crouch. She lifted her head and gave them a sweet smile. The beam of a single lamppost kept them from the darkness.
Glorious, the red flame demon was glorious.
He was naked as most demons were when in their true form. His cherry colored body was molded like a Greek statue. His arms and thick thighs were corded with sinewy muscle. Thick black hair that shone with red and metallic accents stood unruly at the top of his head. And most importantly, his penis was red, thick with an orange head and angry pulsing veins, rigidly erect. It was not because of his arousal, but because most flame demons never went flaccid. The creatures were naturally excitable and temperamental, so their dicks were always "enflamed."
Ducky giggled at her inward musings and slid up from her crouch.
The demons looked at her with a measure of anger and fear. They would never have expected
this
to be the one chasing them. They had sensed a demon hunter of considerable power. She stood before them in all black wearing a cross between a nun's habit, a shinobi shozoko, and a boy Lolita. Her long black combat boots had black garters that led to a puff pair of black bloomer styled shorts. Long tattered bandages peaked out of her boots and wrapped around her arms, even under her fingerless gloves. If they had looked on closer they could have seen the kunoichi top she wore that hung to her generous curves. She topped it all off with her cloak, the nun's band and collar were white, glowing eerily in the darkness.
The red flame demon growled at her. Fire spewing from his mouth illuminated his face horribly for just a second.
"Harlot wench! What is thine purpose?"
Ducky braced her guns by her hips and gave them a cheesy smile as she stretched onto her toes.
"If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now."
They looked at her with a measure of confusion and horror.
"Speak plain witch, dost thee tarry? Test
not
mine mercy."
Ducky tilted her head and pouted before she smiled at the blue demon to his left.
"It's just a spring clean for the May queen."
It was a flash even to their eyes. She had closed in so quickly. One minute she was yards away speaking in riddles, the next she was under Xxkuvjkl's chin with her gun. She grinned at him before a loud shot resounded. Twenty-two years of demons usually gave a gal the upper hand. He burst into flames and fell to his knees as she turned fluidly to the next blue demon. He shrieked, like a banshee running from her.
"Mercy! Ple..."
She shot again, right between his eyes. He looked at her in shock and she shot him again as he charred and flaked into nothingness. The red demon stood on his hackles and let out a monstrous roar.
Oh boy, someone's going to have a headache tomorrow.
Arching his back in fury, he wretched forward as he blindly charged at her. She jumped up just as he reached the place where she had been. Falling behind him she reached back and put him in a headlock. Using her landing momentum she tossed him over her shoulder and flat onto his face. He groaned, red blood pouring from his temple and lifted only to feel his head tap against the barrel of her gun. He waited for her to kill him but she was unnervingly quiet. Looking up he saw she was amused.
"
Why dost thou tarry?
" he growled. "
Be done!
"
She giggled bending down beside him. "Your head is humming and it won't go."
With surprising ease she flipped him over onto his back. "In case you don't know."
The naturally angry demon had become even angrier, the ground beneath him burning, yet none touching the smiling woman.
"Thine mouth ist a den for liars! Thee speak no truths with thine cryptic lies!"
The girl sighed heavily as though he was scolding her. "You're right, I'm sorry. It's just...I love that song!"
He watched her unable to hide the disgust and unsettlement he felt. She cocked her head quizzically.
"You know, Stairway to Heaven? Led Zeppelin? Eight minutes of pure awesome?"
He looked at her blankly. Obviously she had been harmed as a child.
"Why, dropped maiden wouldst heaven durst interest me?"
She huffed seemingly disappointed. "You mean I've been making well timed references all to myself? And you gave me the best pauses too! I thought we were playing a game!"
He started as she leaned her body over his, her lip quivering.
"I thought we were in this together."
His eyes widened as her thigh brushed his manhood and his fire roared again, the heat tossing her away. He lifted to stand but found he could not. He was in a keeper's circle. She had him trapped and he found he could not even move his fingers. She positioned herself to sit cross legged as he blazed himself into a tantrum cursing her and all the high heavens.
She watched his dick with eagerness, loving how it twitched and seemed to harden even more the angrier he got. He tired himself out pretty soon and looked back at her to see her watching him intently. When he realized where her attention laid he gritted his razor sharp teeth, making the noise of nails going across a chalk board.
"That's really rude," she protested covering her ears. "Now I'm definitely going to have a headache you jerkface!"
"Consider thineself lucky witch! If ever wast I to enter thine service, torture would await thee."
His red eyes glinted as he gave her his own twisted version of a grin.
"I'd lie in wait for thine demise. I'd bind thee with barbs and torture thee, ripping screams from thine
bloodied lips
."
She rolled her eyes, pretending to yawn. "Nothing I haven't heard before my predictable love."
He gritted his teeth again in response as flames began to course around him. He flew into another rage, the heat actually causing Ducky to shield her face.
"I'D RIP THINE TENDEREST FLESH! THEE WOULD BEG FOR DEATH! RAPE WOULD BE THINE ANSWER! JUST AS TWAS THE RAPE OF THE OTHERS! RAPING THINE BODY AND SOUL UNTIL THEE ART BUT A SOULLESS SHELL!"
After his rant he went out like he had been doused by water, the last of his flame wasted by his anger. He heard a silence then a series of jingles, before something hit the ground. Looking up he saw the woman had taken off her belt. With it were a series of weapons he wished to not look upon. Before he could speak she straddled him, her hips right above the nest of his sex. He sniffed and froze as the smell of lust permeated the air.
