Dirtbag

I have this habit of falling for men that I shouldn't. Who are just beyond the realm of acceptability. I'm not saying that I break the law. I'm just saying that if it's a bit of a taboo situation, I'm all over it. There was this time that I fell for a guy who was at least 25 years younger than me. Sorry but yeah. And I didn't do a thing to encourage him. I promise.

I was approaching the checkout lane at the grocery store. It was late and the store was empty. I was feeling a little empty too so I.... Nevermind. With not enough to do, the slightly homeless looking guy bagging the groceries was looking bored. I felt bad for him. You see, I have a fondness for dirtbag types. I think it goes back to my Kerouac obsessed father who was so into living the simple life that he -- god love him and to save money on, I guess, washcloths? -- would scrub his armpits with the kitchen sponge. So when I saw this drifter type standing there bored and confused, I almost yelled, "Bag ME! Bag MEEE!" but I decided to exercise some restraint. But when he offered to help me out to my car, of course I said, 'YES!' as I needed time to soak up the view of this scruffy young man as he strained under the weight of my practically empty bag. [if the audience laughs I'll add...That's right! Empty!! Bag!! Look, not everything has to have a double meaning people... Put a lid on it if you want to hear any more of this verbal porn.]

As we walked out, neither of us could think of a word to say. finally, out of sheer awkwardness, he spoke.

'So, you wanna hear a joke? It's kinda corny.'

'I love corny jokes,' I gushed and giggled and as I did a tiny squirt of enthusiasm trickled onto my panties. Ok, let's be real. I had forgotten to do my kegels last week, but come on. Let's think of it as a juicy explosion of joy.

He said, 'What did the one strawberry say to the other?'

'I don't know. What did she say?'

'If you hadn't had been so fresh last night, we wouldn't be in this jam.' And with that flirty little joke, my fate was sealed. And only HE could be the one to pop the wax offa my tight little jam jar.

One day as I was coming through the checkout lane, he handed me a candy. Everyone always tells kids not to take candy from a stranger but what do you do when it's a kid handing YOU the candy and YOU'RE the stranger? It was a little barrel shaped root beer candy. So cute! And then? he just shyly walked off. As if he knew how childish it would look giving it to me but he couldn't help doing it anyway.

I know exactly the moment when I started falling in love with him. it was the day I realized that he reminded me of my last boyfriend. Now this wasn't actually a good thing, but I took it as a sign that maybe I was supposed to make peace with my last boyfriend. You see, my last guy -- Cliff - was an outdoorsy guy. Like Cliff, Jose didn't care how sloppily he dressed, his hair was generally shoved into a pony tail and his clothes barely hung on by a thread but the messier he looked, the more I felt my anal retentiveness slide. And I like it when my rectal cavity gets loose. It's tight enough as it is. In fact, one time I had to be hospitalized because I held my farts in too long for fear of insulting an aunt who didn't believe in farting. But I digress... even though it's hard to turn your nose up at a good poop story, am I right?

Now normally, I don't inhale too much of the devil's herb but occasionally to spice up my erotic life, I like to toss some in my salad and explore my... self and then when that's over, I like to finish the evening off with a trip to the grocery store to satiate my other physical needs. and so it was on such an occasion when I found myself reaching up for some marmite -- this black sticky paste that a lot of Canadians eat, it's really good, you should try it sometime on toast with butter, preferably white toast, ok nevermind but I AM getting hungry right now, talking about cute guys in groceries stores gives me the munchies, can somebody order me a gluten free pizza so it's ready when I'm done? thanks... ok, so back to it...when all of a sudden I felt someone gently touching my ass, then a quick sneaky squeeze and it was done. When I turned around, I saw Jose and next thing I knew he was giving me the warmest, tightest hug I'd ever had. It was the kind of hug that said, 'if you ever WANT me, EVER want me, I will be ready and willing' and then he handed me his phone number. I was confused and speechless but.... Still quite able to text so that night he came over.

And he came. And so did i.... ok hold on. He came over and we talked. We talked in the kitchen, we talked on the couch and next thing I knew he was offering me some herb and a backrub. Again, code for imminent sexual act.

He offered to rub my back 'for a bit.' That struck me as a little strange. It almost sounded like if I wanted him to do it more I would have had to pay for it and then I realized... ahhh, I think I know how he wants me to PAY for it. He massaged and massaged and I, of course, removed my bra to make it easier on him. And since you can't just do one side, I turned over so he could give my other half equal attention. And when I did, he said one of the sweetest things I'd heard since the first time I showed my titties to a man. He said, 'wow, when I see you this way you look like a child (okay, creepy sounding now but at the time very sweet and innocent). He said, 'most of the time when I see you in the store you look so 'together,' so 'larger than life,' but right here.... Right now.... You're just... You.'

And then it began. He took each nipple in his hands and bit and licked and blew on them while I watched proudly at his handiwork. Eventually I couldn't wait anymore so I grabbed his manhood with one hand while he kneeled above me with his two fingers plunging in between my legs that formed a sideways triangle. We formed all kinds of geometrical shapes that night. My favorite was when his protractor met my com-puss in perpendicular right angle bliss.

When it was all over I turned around, half expecting to see my ex, Cliff, but instead I saw Jose and that was even better. While we were making love, I would catch glimpses of his scraggly hair or his threadbare canvas pants crumpled up on the floor and I'd remember all those nights of increasingly uninspired sex with Cliff. Somehow the bitterness I felt towards dusty, sweat stained t-shirts slipped away as I looked into Jose's eyes and saw all the men I had ever loved and would one day love that were really all the same man, the same dirtbag drifter homeless guy holding up a cardboard sign offering his services in exchange for a dollar but I didn't care. If I'm destined for the lowest common denominator, then so be it. I'll let him do long form division on me any day as long as he doesn't try to insert pythagorean's theorem into my compass without enough KY on his axis.