(c) GratefulFred
The King begins to speak to our rag tag group of randomly picked adventurers.
"Dear brave noble warriors..." Suddenly the king stops speaking as an advisor whispers something in his ear.
The king lets out a weak cough and continues. "Dear randomly picked adventurers whom have the misfortune of being drafted to tackle the menace of the arch-lich Lord Vexna, while we wait the arrival of another band of 20th level adventurers to replace the last party of 20th level adventurers who apparently have been defeated. You are so charged with occupying the evil demigod's time, taking on whatever torturous fate awaits you, putting on as best a show as possible in the name of King Mortimous J Leonardous. It is our sincere hope that Vexna will waste a few 9th level spells on you and we may be able to attack him before he has a chance to reload with them. Before we send you out do you have any questions?"
"Since we are going on a suicide mission, do you think we could get a few magic items to help us?" Carney the dwarf asks.
"Silence you filthy dwarf dog. How dare you speak to the king in such a manner?" one of the guards says.
"Dearest omnipotent god of banging babes, who could slice open an enemy with a swing of his doubled bladed cock, since we are going on a suicide mission, do you think you could part with some low level magic items to help us on our quest?" Freddy the thief asks.
The King himself decides to answer himself "Excellently worded question. I can tell from your attire that you are a thief who no doubt has such a high dexterity that any armor would be a detriment to your dodging prowess. And with you is a stout dwarf whose night vision is a feat even a King like myself cannot replicate. And I see before a Cleric, a true healer, is in your ranks, whose tender hands can bandage an injured soldier like none other. And if I were to put together a party of four, would I not pick an Elfish wizard, who cannot only cast spells but also perhaps find that secret door, whereupon you may strike at Vexna when he least expects it? Lead these steadfast warriors to the dungeon now."
"Yes my lord", says one of the guards as the party of adventurers is given back their own weapons and armor (nothing magical) and lead off.
It's a one-day march as the party is placed to between guards on horseback to insure that no one makes a dash for it. The party gets to talking.
"Hey Carney, no offense but you like kind of weak for a dwarf" Ema infers.
"Well you know before they begin fighter school, they want to see how many pounds you can bench press over your head. They give you a score of between 3 and 18 sort of like rolling dice. I did manage to score a 6, which is sort of bellow par but when no one was looking I put a 1 in front of it. This got me placed in some dwarvan defender program and due to a mishap I had whereupon my hammer slipped out of my hands and broke my foot in the first hour of school I was placed in jewelry design school against my will. I would've been a kick ass defender though" Carney responds.
"That reminds me of a story" Freddy tells "I remember one day in thieves guides school when you have to run this obstacle course and avoid getting hit by these swords. Turns out the night before I was having some wild sex with a few sorority pickpockets and I was in no condition to even walk. I forged my name on one of the students' sheet and finished top of the class. The guild masters were so impressed with my score that they entered me into the dodge ball competition. I can collect on a few silver pieces if I can get out of here as I bet against myself."
