("Coffin Candy" is yet another true episode in the sexual story of my life. I am purging my soul. Telling of my past "sins" is part of my repentance.)
My girlfriends and I attended some wild and crazy parties during our college days. The various fraternities usually put on the best bashes, with plenty of free booze and kinky sex. But the sex eventually got boring. We kind of put the word out on campus something new and exciting would be greatly appreciated, and rewarded accordingly.
One fraternity came up with a concept that struck our fancy; a Halloween party at a funeral home. The boys of Phi Gamma Nu, the business fraternity, seemed to have an original thought, which in itself surprised us, and they suggested we could make some moola, but they declined to tell us details. They insisted all would be explained at the party.
The university I attended, affectionately nicknamed Screw U., took up about a six block square area in the new downtown section of a city of a little over 100,000 population. Araqiel, the president of Phi Gamma Nu, gave us directions to the party, a place about 10 miles from campus. Yes, strange name, Araqiel. I'm still not certain of his nationality, perhaps Egyptian. He looked like a young version of Yassir Arafat.
My girlfriends Angela and Suzanne and I found the place with little difficulty in the old downtown section of the city, which now consisted mostly of vacant buildings. We recognized the party place; a rather famous hotel from way before our time.
Araqiel greeted us at the entrance, along with two other brothers of the fraternity we recognized, Sparky and Jeremy. Surprisingly, there didn't seem to be anyone else around.
"Hey, I thought this was a party, where is everyone?" Angela demanded. "And where are your costumes?"
Sparky answered, "Actually the party doesn't really start for another couple hours. There will be hundreds of people here. We invited you girls early so we could give you a tour. Most of our other guests have partied with us before. Hey, nice costumes! We'll put ours on before the fun begins."
All three us were dressed as witches, in black, black leather. We shopped together at a nearby exclusive boutique that catered mostly bikers. Snake, the owner and dude who waited on us, offered us a 10% discount if we let him watch us try on the various items of apparel and accessories. Angela and Suzanne nodded at his proposal. I, of course, also agreed, since I planned on footing the bill, putting it on Daddy’s charge card, and I fretted over how I could possibly pay him back.
I selected the black leather mini-skirts. Angela chose a cool looking chastity belt with 4 mini brass and chrome keyed padlock, nickel plated D rings and rivets. Suzanne chose a chain halter-top which could be worn with or without the bikini bra top underneath, depending on your company. It had leather straps with chrome-plated chain and hardware. A knee length motorcycle duster made the perfect cape. Our thigh high 4” spike heel boots came just about to the bottom of the mini-skirts. The boots had a cute little buckle on the back of each thigh and leather lacing. Spiked leather O-ring collars and D-ring bracelets just about completed the look we sought, except for the witch's hats. We had to go get those at a place that specialized in costumes for Halloween and just about every other occasion. I liked the grass skirts, but those could wait for another party. Angela and Suzanne went nuts over the chicken feet and elephant feet. They put them on and stomped around, making very strange noises.
Araqiel explained the history of the place to us, once known as the Solomon Hotel. “It first opened in 1947 as the tallest building in the state and luxurious accommodations, fine dining, gambling and entertainment under one roof. Many celebrities performed in the lounge and the hotel became a fixture of community life, hosting many parties, proms and meetings. It closed ten years ago, a victim of obsolescence and the fact that the downtown moved to surround our favorite institution of higher learning. The Solomon became a historical landmark and legal battles ensued regarding its possible demolition or resurrection.
“My father purchased the Solomon about a year ago with the condition that he renovate it. Being a historical landmark, the city fathers preferred not to have it demolished. Unloading this eyesore them very happy. As you can see, the renovation of at least the exterior is almost complete.”
Araqiel gave them a tour of the interior. “My father is remodeling this place into a funeral home. Much of the necessary equipment and fixtures are already installed. It is scheduled to open for regular business in a month or so. This will be like no other funeral home you ever saw. It is to have an ancient Egyptian theme. You see, my old man is an archaeologist and leading authority on Egyptian artifacts, particularly those associated with death.”
“This place is giving me the creeps already,” Suzanne shivered.
“Why?” Araqiel asked. “Death is a natural part of life. Funeral practices have been for almost forever, beginning with Cro-Magnon man about 35,000 years ago. The pyramids in Egypt are history’s greatest tombs, even though nobody is buried in the Great Pyramid at Giza.
“The evidence seems conclusive that embalming took place in the mummification process in the necropolis of Alexandria. Natron, a natural salt compound consisting mainly of sodium carbonate and bicarbonate, was the most important substance used to absorb moisture from the corpse. Preserving internal organs was of utmost concern. The heart remained in place in the chest of the dearly departed but more perishable organs such as the lungs, stomach, intestines and liver were removed and placed in what are known as Canopic Jars.” Araqiel pointed to the jars that were enclosed in a glass exhibit.
“Hey, sort of like Jeffrey Dahmer putting the penis in the lobster pot, ‘eh?” Angela joked.
“Speaking or nourishment, since you mentioned it,” Araqiel continued, “offerings of drink and food were left in the tomb for the spirits of the dead. But the coffin was the most important item, intended both to protect the mummy within, and by means of its form, decorations and inscriptions, to spiritually ensure the deceased’s transfiguration.” He pointed to the anthropoid coffin. “That’s a facsimile, of course, not an original. The British Museum has perhaps the best collection of the real thing, which traces the evolution of Egyptian coffins over a period of 3000 years.”
Araqiel fascinated us with his dissertation on the subject of death in ancient Egypt for over an hour. Then the discussion drifted to “The Egyptian Book of the Dead.”
“According to this book,” Araqiel began, “and I’m referring to the most famous translation by Sir E. A. Wallis Burge in 1895, once a person dies, he appears before the god, Osiris, to confess all his sins in the form of 400 statements he did not do. The deceased specifies the demi-gods and the ancient cities those gods governed. For example, ‘Nefertem, who comes from Memphis, I have not done any wrong, I have witnessed no crime.’ Osiris is the god of the underworld.
“Then we have the legend of Osiris, and his wife and sister, Isis. They had an evil brother Seth who was married to his other sister, Nephthys. Seth plotted to murder Osiris because he wanted to be king. Seth persuaded Osiris to enter a gold coffin, slapped the lid shut and disposed of the coffin in the Nile. Isis retrieved the body but Seth tore it into 14 pieces and threw them back into the river. Whenever Isis found a part, she had a temple built in memory of her late husband. After collecting all the parts, Isis flapped her wings and breathed the life back into Osiris. You will notice that many of these Egyptian coffins display the wings of Isis surrounding the coffin, so that they may breathe life into the souls of the dead.”
“Hey, that sounds like some blowjob to me, if she brought him back to life,” Suzanne quipped.
“Sounds like a whole lot of incest going on to me, reminds me of the Bible,” Angela added.
“What in the world is this stuff?” I asked as we entered another large room.
“These are medieval torture devices. My father is a collector, as was his father and grandfather. Most of these are originals that date back to the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries. Some of these instruments have been loaned to various exhibitions, going back to 1908-09, and the exhibition entitled ‘Die Heilige Inquisition: Wesen, Method and Wirkung – The Holy Inquisition: Its Essence, Methods and Effects’ that drew hundreds of thousands of visitors.
