Christmas Wish List

With Christmas just around the corner, I wanted to take a moment to give everyone my Christmas wish list. Hey, you never know who reads this stuff.

"Hey, Bill, say hi to Melinda for me. Merry Christmas to you and to Warren Buffet."

Let's be honest here. I'm too old to believe in Santa Claus, but that does not mean that he does not exist. What do I mean by that? Allow me to explain.

There are a lot of people throughout the world who have enjoyed many of my stories. I receive e-mails every day from someone, somewhere.

I figure there are celebrities who secretly read my stories.

"Hi, Julia, I see you hiding behind those dark glasses. And Russell thanks for that bashing comment. You've been a busy man with three movies in 2007, one coming out in 2008 and another in 2009. You must be making the big bucks. Merry Christmas to you and your new bride.

Now, I'm not a rich man monetarily, but I am wealthy in other ways. I have my health and sanity (kind of), two beautiful children, and a loving wife, girlfriend, and mistress. I'm blessed.

There are those who have too much money and are in a quandary what to do with some of it. No, I don't want your money, per se. Yet, rather than giving it to the IRS and Uncle Sam, I certainly would appreciate your generous nature, 'tis the season. Please don't take me the wrong way; you will never see me with my hand out asking for charity. I am not that kind of guy, but I do like presents, gifts, tokens of your appreciation, and items that you would like me to have.

"Yeah, I heard that. Some guy out there said, Herpes."

For those that I have given pleasure to with my stories and who have enormous wealth, yes, I am talking about you, Oprah, please feel free to buy me a gift. Think big and think expensive. It is Christmas time, after all. With that being said, I wanted to give you a list of some gift suggestions. Keep in mind that they are only suggestions and if you prefer to buy me a red Ferrari instead of a blue one; that is okay with me.

I love clothes by Ralph Lauren, Polo, they fit me perfectly. I take an XL in sweaters and sweatshirts, unless the L looks big. Then, I take a Large. I take a 46L in a jacket, a 34" waist, and a 17 ½ neck with a 34" shirt sleeve. I wear a size 11 shoe and am not particular about neckties, only that I have a lot of ties (no ties, please). I take a 2XL in leather and shearling coats. I love fur (hint). Okay, all you PETA people, get off your high horse, they are just rodents. Yeah, yeah, it is the way that they are killed. So, do yourself a favor and make my coat from rodents that have died naturally. Happy?

I could use another pair of Polo gloves, although the Coach gloves that I recently bought are the best gloves that I have ever worn, butter soft leather on the outside with cashmere on the inside. Uhm, let's see, what else, I like country western music (I love Toby Keith. Toby, if you are reading this Merry Christmas.) Actually, I like all types of music. CD's make a good gift for those on a budget, I guess. I am a musician. I play the accordion. Hey, I grew up in an Italian neighborhood and the accordion was the prerequisite instrument of the time with Lawrence Welk being everyone's favorite band leader.

I love cars and wouldn't turn down a new car, if your generosity insisted that I accept it. Thank you in advance, think an orange Mustang GT with black stripes and a five speed manual or a green Mini Cooper S with the optional JCW package and a six speed manual.

I love wine, especially French and Italian. There are some Californian wines that I like. I like to travel, if you wanted to surprise me with a trip to Ireland, England, or Australia, I would love to go. Thank you so much. A cruise anywhere is always a nice gift. The two week Alaskan cruise is a good one.

Yes, an all expense paid trip to Disney World or Disney Land is a thoughtful present. You are too kind. Thank you very much.

What else? I'm thinking. I mean, I don't want to appear mercenary; I'm only trying to help you with your gift selection is all. Money is always a nice present, large, unmarked bills, Euro instead of American. Hey, the dollar is way down.

I want to thank those who are thinking of me at Christmas time. Please send me an e-mail and I will give you the address where to send the gift(s). I apologize in advance that I am unable to be as generous and reciprocate with a gift for you. Think about it logically. There are way too many of you and there is only one of me.

Merry Christmas