Ever fuck a girl while she was eating a cheeseburger? I have.
Ever fuck a girl while she was eating a cheeseburger and have your friend videotape it? I have.
Ever fuck a girl while she was eating a cheeseburger and have your friend videotape it then you pissed in her kitchen sink on her dirty dishes because she made you angry? Yup, I have.
Want to know the best part? The "friend" that videotaped it is my brother-in-law.
When I received my Honorable Discharge from the United States Army, I had an enduring dream of being able to wake up late and plow college bitches. That dream finally came true at the end of 2005.
I landed in Nashville, Tennessee on December 22 then counted down the days until Dustin and I could slay pussy again. If it wasn't for stupid fucking holiday obligations he would have met me at the airport.
Since our meeting was postponed until after Christmas, I took the opportunity to steal a page from Dustin's pussy playbook. Cruise Websites searching for sluts. Originally, I tried being sincere and write something insightful about each girl's profile. That got me exactly nowhere, so I stole another page from Dustin's book, the law of skank statistics. If you email 100 skanks asking for sex and one percent of them respond with a yes or maybe then it is worth the time. He usually emailed between 200 or 300 girls every few days asking for sex. If one percent says yes or maybe, then that's three to six skanks a week. That's 12-24 skanks a month. Even if only one of them actually fucks that's still 12 skanks a year. Isn't Dustin brilliant! Every average looking lady within 50 miles got my mass email looking for an easy piece of ass.
Here is the exact email I sent to over 200 women.
Hey, you look sexy as hell in your pictures girl! I just moved to town, so you should get some friends and party with me. I'll buy the alcohol. Then we can go back to your place and spend the night having sex!
Within an hour I started to get a tremendous amount of replies. Here are a few of them.
You are disgusting. I wouldn't ever touch someone like you.
(Yeah, right!)
I'm a lady and ladies don't so that.
(ladies only swallow after the first date I guess.)
I also got positive replies, proving Dustin's law actually works.
LOL, you're cute. What's your name?
(I ask for sex and she asks my name, seriously.)
What type of alcohol do you like?
(Like that matters skank!)
One message in particular caught my attention.
You're cute! Want to meet sometime?
(Yes, Dustin is brilliant.)
I responded to all of the messages. Some conversations fizzled however the last one sizzled. We chat messaged for a few days until she gave me her phone number and agreed to meet. I kept putting off the date until Dustin was in town. She agreed thinking I was putting it off for the holidays. I made my intentions clear. She made it obvious she was down to fuck.
Dustin arrived December 27, 2005. He brought his pudgy diabetic friend Jason with him. I invited them inside and Jason immediately pulled out a video camera.
"I wanna record all the crazy shit you two do," he said pointing the lens at me like I was about to explode at any moment.
A smile shined on my face at the thought of our adventures being caught on tape. Before long, Dustin and I were doing random things while we waited for my Brother-in-law Johnny to get off work. We took turns doing dares.
It reached a climax as Johnny walked in the door. I dared Dustin to lie on the floor and let me hit his bare back with a roll of Christmas wrapping paper. He agreed on the condition he could hit me too. I said yes like an idiot. Dustin laid on my sister's living room floor then waited for my best shot. Jason couldn't stop giggling as he pointed the camera at Dustin in anticipation. Johnny sat on the couch watching with intense interest. I grabbed the thickest roll of wrapping paper available and made sure my grip was tight. I jumped into the air then came down with every ounce of energy focused into inflicting pain. The roll of wrapping paper smashed his back so hard that the windows rattled. It sounded like a grenade exploded.
"AAAAAHHHHH!" Dustin howled in agony. He looked back at me with pure hatred in his eyes. I knew at that moment the dare was a mistake.
"Lay down you son of a bitch," Dustin growled angrily.
I laid on my stomach then waited for the searing pain. Every second seemed to stretch forever. Finally, burning pain blasted across my back. The minute following the initial hit became a blur. The recording caught my pathetic reaction. I flopped around like a fish screaming like a hungry baby. Johnny and Jason got the privilege to laugh at my expense. Dustin and I both ended up with crimson welts across our backs for three weeks.
After we recovered, we all piled into Dustin's truck then headed to the only place where Dustin and I can have fun, a strip club.
I spent the entire ride to the strip club texting internet skank. Each text message was returned within a minute. She seemed really interested in meeting as soon as she got off work, so I decided keep myself busy until then. The best way to keep me and Dustin distracted is tits. Thankfully, strip clubs have plenty.
We chugged beers as quickly as we could open them. Once the alcohol took effect we started our patented strip club game. Rappers, athletes, and millionaires make it rain. Dustin and I make it hail. They throw 20's, 50's, or 100's. We throw pennies, nickels, or dimes. If the strippers are hot they get quarters. Then we blame it on someone else when the strippers get angry. We love looking innocent while we point at the loudest guy in the club. Sadly, the bitches eventually realize the change comes from us and we are asked to leave by fat stupid bouncers.
That night wasn't any different. We hit a girl in the head then made another girl fall because her heel slipped on some nickels. The bouncers escorted us out angrily. After that we wandered from bar to bar waiting for my booty call to get off work. We had been to four bars and were walking towards the fifth by the time she called. I answered my phone as quickly as I could.
"Hey what's up?" She said casually.
"Where ya at?" I asked without wasting time with small talk.
She responded, "I'm picking up my friends and then I can meet you wherever."
I told her where we would be drinking.
"Okay, I know where that is. I'll meet you there in a little while," she said.
I hung up my phone then walked into the next bar to pound some shots. Judging by her ugly pictures, the shots would be essential if I wanted an erection.
Dustin looked at me after our third shot of tequila and asked; "dude, what's her name?"
I shrugged and replied; "no idea."
We both laughed and ordered another shot while we waited for her to arrive with her friends. An hour and countless shots later she called. I was so eager to bang her that I walked out on an open bar tab.
Within 30 seconds of meeting her I was ready to punch her repeatedly. She brought another guy. Some girls are so stupid they don't understand how frustrating that is. If I wanted to get in her pants I would have to act cool with that douche. Strangers are almost always cock blocks, and strangers who are guys are even worse than the dreaded fat friend. Another bitch also got out of her busted Buick.
The girl I intended to fuck said, "I'm Brittany. This is Patrick and Brooke."
"Nice to meet you, I'm Adam," I lied.
"Hiii," Patrick sang.
I felt like laughing. She brought a gay friend with her. I was 100 percent sure he was homosexual after his weak hand shake.
My attention focused on Brittany after the introductions. She looked like a beach ball with an apple for a head and twigs for legs. Surprisingly, she had a cute face attached to her enormous body. Skin tight jeans made her massive muffin top noticeable from a mile away and a blue tube top which presented her sexy set of back boobs. When she stood next to her friend she appeared even uglier, because her friend Brooke actually didn't look that bad. Dustin, Jason, and Johnny were quickly introduced.
"Why don't you ride with us back to my apartment?" Brittany said rubbing my chest playfully. My last shot almost ended up as vomit when her hand slid down to my package.
"Okay, let's go," I said summoning some drunken courage.
I climbed into her car. Dustin led the others back to his truck. Brittany waited for them to pull up next to her car then she took off like a bat out of hell. Dustin was forced to stomp on his gas in hopes of keeping up.
"I haven't eaten in like forever. Mind if we stop to get some food?" Brittany asked.
I shrugged and answered, "I don't care."
She pulled into a ghetto fast food joint. I think I heard rats crawling across the meat when she ordered a combo meal. Everybody in the car watched as Brittany tore into the bag as soon as she pulled away from the drive thru. It was hard to hide my disgust when I glanced over and saw her eating french fries. The car swung dangerously out of the lane while she dug into the bag looking for more. Patrick screamed like a scared school girl. I closed my eyes and felt deep regret wash over my mind. It's a sensation I rarely experience so it naturally surprised the hell out of me.
"When will we be there?" I asked anxiously.
"About five minutes," she responded swerving again.
When we got to her apartment I was the first person out of her crappy car. I was so happy to be alive that I momentarily forgot my dick was about to be deep in a behemoth. Dustin pulled up next to us and rolled down his truck window.
"Hey, where should I park?" He asked.
"Any where is fine honey," Patrick said with a smile.
Dustin's face was priceless. Johnny sat in the back laughing. Jason expression seemed like he had just walked in on his parents engaged in bondage with a farm animal. Apparently, they weren't used to gay men. Dustin bit his tongue and drove away. He obviously had insults rattling around in his demented head, but he was nice enough to wait until after I fucked the fat ass bitch.
We all walked into her apartment together. The first thing that caught my attention was the smell. Dog shit and greasy food assaulted my senses.
"Troy! Did you poop again?" Brittany yelled as she walked into her apartment.
A small dog barked from a bedroom. My hand covered my mouth. Brittany quickly rushed off to a bedroom to find out. Dustin wore a deeply disgusted look. Jason scanned the apartment with his camera. Johnny stood in the doorway scared to walk in. I waved at Jason's camera. If I was going to be recorded fucking a fat ass I might as well make the most out of it right?
"Hey, I'm back here," Brittany called from a bedroom.
