Cheeseburger Bitch

Ever fuck a girl while she was eating a cheeseburger? I have.

Ever fuck a girl while she was eating a cheeseburger and have your friend videotape it? I have.

Ever fuck a girl while she was eating a cheeseburger and have your friend videotape it then you pissed in her kitchen sink on her dirty dishes because she made you angry? Yup, I have.

Want to know the best part? The "friend" that videotaped it is my brother-in-law.

When I received my Honorable Discharge from the United States Army, I had an enduring dream of being able to wake up late and plow college bitches. That dream finally came true at the end of 2005.

I landed in Nashville, Tennessee on December 22 then counted down the days until Dustin and I could slay pussy again. If it wasn't for stupid fucking holiday obligations he would have met me at the airport.

Since our meeting was postponed until after Christmas, I took the opportunity to steal a page from Dustin's pussy playbook. Cruise Websites searching for sluts. Originally, I tried being sincere and write something insightful about each girl's profile. That got me exactly nowhere, so I stole another page from Dustin's book, the law of skank statistics. If you email 100 skanks asking for sex and one percent of them respond with a yes or maybe then it is worth the time. He usually emailed between 200 or 300 girls every few days asking for sex. If one percent says yes or maybe, then that's three to six skanks a week. That's 12-24 skanks a month. Even if only one of them actually fucks that's still 12 skanks a year. Isn't Dustin brilliant! Every average looking lady within 50 miles got my mass email looking for an easy piece of ass.

Here is the exact email I sent to over 200 women.

Hey, you look sexy as hell in your pictures girl! I just moved to town, so you should get some friends and party with me. I'll buy the alcohol. Then we can go back to your place and spend the night having sex!

Within an hour I started to get a tremendous amount of replies. Here are a few of them.

You are disgusting. I wouldn't ever touch someone like you.

(Yeah, right!)

I'm a lady and ladies don't so that.

(ladies only swallow after the first date I guess.)

I also got positive replies, proving Dustin's law actually works.

LOL, you're cute. What's your name?

(I ask for sex and she asks my name, seriously.)

What type of alcohol do you like?

(Like that matters skank!)

One message in particular caught my attention.

You're cute! Want to meet sometime?

(Yes, Dustin is brilliant.)

I responded to all of the messages. Some conversations fizzled however the last one sizzled. We chat messaged for a few days until she gave me her phone number and agreed to meet. I kept putting off the date until Dustin was in town. She agreed thinking I was putting it off for the holidays. I made my intentions clear. She made it obvious she was down to fuck.

Dustin arrived December 27, 2005. He brought his pudgy diabetic friend Jason with him. I invited them inside and Jason immediately pulled out a video camera.

"I wanna record all the crazy shit you two do," he said pointing the lens at me like I was about to explode at any moment.

A smile shined on my face at the thought of our adventures being caught on tape. Before long, Dustin and I were doing random things while we waited for my Brother-in-law Johnny to get off work. We took turns doing dares.

It reached a climax as Johnny walked in the door. I dared Dustin to lie on the floor and let me hit his bare back with a roll of Christmas wrapping paper. He agreed on the condition he could hit me too. I said yes like an idiot. Dustin laid on my sister's living room floor then waited for my best shot. Jason couldn't stop giggling as he pointed the camera at Dustin in anticipation. Johnny sat on the couch watching with intense interest. I grabbed the thickest roll of wrapping paper available and made sure my grip was tight. I jumped into the air then came down with every ounce of energy focused into inflicting pain. The roll of wrapping paper smashed his back so hard that the windows rattled. It sounded like a grenade exploded.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" Dustin howled in agony. He looked back at me with pure hatred in his eyes. I knew at that moment the dare was a mistake.

"Lay down you son of a bitch," Dustin growled angrily.

I laid on my stomach then waited for the searing pain. Every second seemed to stretch forever. Finally, burning pain blasted across my back. The minute following the initial hit became a blur. The recording caught my pathetic reaction. I flopped around like a fish screaming like a hungry baby. Johnny and Jason got the privilege to laugh at my expense. Dustin and I both ended up with crimson welts across our backs for three weeks.

After we recovered, we all piled into Dustin's truck then headed to the only place where Dustin and I can have fun, a strip club.

I spent the entire ride to the strip club texting internet skank. Each text message was returned within a minute. She seemed really interested in meeting as soon as she got off work, so I decided keep myself busy until then. The best way to keep me and Dustin distracted is tits. Thankfully, strip clubs have plenty.

We chugged beers as quickly as we could open them. Once the alcohol took effect we started our patented strip club game. Rappers, athletes, and millionaires make it rain. Dustin and I make it hail. They throw 20's, 50's, or 100's. We throw pennies, nickels, or dimes. If the strippers are hot they get quarters. Then we blame it on someone else when the strippers get angry. We love looking innocent while we point at the loudest guy in the club. Sadly, the bitches eventually realize the change comes from us and we are asked to leave by fat stupid bouncers.

That night wasn't any different. We hit a girl in the head then made another girl fall because her heel slipped on some nickels. The bouncers escorted us out angrily. After that we wandered from bar to bar waiting for my booty call to get off work. We had been to four bars and were walking towards the fifth by the time she called. I answered my phone as quickly as I could.

"Hey what's up?" She said casually.

"Where ya at?" I asked without wasting time with small talk.

She responded, "I'm picking up my friends and then I can meet you wherever."

I told her where we would be drinking.

"Okay, I know where that is. I'll meet you there in a little while," she said.

I hung up my phone then walked into the next bar to pound some shots. Judging by her ugly pictures, the shots would be essential if I wanted an erection.

Dustin looked at me after our third shot of tequila and asked; "dude, what's her name?"

I shrugged and replied; "no idea."

We both laughed and ordered another shot while we waited for her to arrive with her friends. An hour and countless shots later she called. I was so eager to bang her that I walked out on an open bar tab.

Within 30 seconds of meeting her I was ready to punch her repeatedly. She brought another guy. Some girls are so stupid they don't understand how frustrating that is. If I wanted to get in her pants I would have to act cool with that douche. Strangers are almost always cock blocks, and strangers who are guys are even worse than the dreaded fat friend. Another bitch also got out of her busted Buick.

The girl I intended to fuck said, "I'm Brittany. This is Patrick and Brooke."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Adam," I lied.

"Hiii," Patrick sang.

I felt like laughing. She brought a gay friend with her. I was 100 percent sure he was homosexual after his weak hand shake.

My attention focused on Brittany after the introductions. She looked like a beach ball with an apple for a head and twigs for legs. Surprisingly, she had a cute face attached to her enormous body. Skin tight jeans made her massive muffin top noticeable from a mile away and a blue tube top which presented her sexy set of back boobs. When she stood next to her friend she appeared even uglier, because her friend Brooke actually didn't look that bad. Dustin, Jason, and Johnny were quickly introduced.

"Why don't you ride with us back to my apartment?" Brittany said rubbing my chest playfully. My last shot almost ended up as vomit when her hand slid down to my package.

"Okay, let's go," I said summoning some drunken courage.

I climbed into her car. Dustin led the others back to his truck. Brittany waited for them to pull up next to her car then she took off like a bat out of hell. Dustin was forced to stomp on his gas in hopes of keeping up.

"I haven't eaten in like forever. Mind if we stop to get some food?" Brittany asked.

I shrugged and answered, "I don't care."

She pulled into a ghetto fast food joint. I think I heard rats crawling across the meat when she ordered a combo meal. Everybody in the car watched as Brittany tore into the bag as soon as she pulled away from the drive thru. It was hard to hide my disgust when I glanced over and saw her eating french fries. The car swung dangerously out of the lane while she dug into the bag looking for more. Patrick screamed like a scared school girl. I closed my eyes and felt deep regret wash over my mind. It's a sensation I rarely experience so it naturally surprised the hell out of me.

"When will we be there?" I asked anxiously.

"About five minutes," she responded swerving again.

When we got to her apartment I was the first person out of her crappy car. I was so happy to be alive that I momentarily forgot my dick was about to be deep in a behemoth. Dustin pulled up next to us and rolled down his truck window.

"Hey, where should I park?" He asked.

"Any where is fine honey," Patrick said with a smile.

Dustin's face was priceless. Johnny sat in the back laughing. Jason expression seemed like he had just walked in on his parents engaged in bondage with a farm animal. Apparently, they weren't used to gay men. Dustin bit his tongue and drove away. He obviously had insults rattling around in his demented head, but he was nice enough to wait until after I fucked the fat ass bitch.

We all walked into her apartment together. The first thing that caught my attention was the smell. Dog shit and greasy food assaulted my senses.

"Troy! Did you poop again?" Brittany yelled as she walked into her apartment.

A small dog barked from a bedroom. My hand covered my mouth. Brittany quickly rushed off to a bedroom to find out. Dustin wore a deeply disgusted look. Jason scanned the apartment with his camera. Johnny stood in the doorway scared to walk in. I waved at Jason's camera. If I was going to be recorded fucking a fat ass I might as well make the most out of it right?

"Hey, I'm back here," Brittany called from a bedroom.

Dustin smiled at the same time as me. We both knew I was about to add another number to the list.

Dirty clothes covered her bedroom floor making it difficult to get through the doorway. I saw her sitting on the bed petting a little Chihuahua and feeding it a French-fry.

I grabbed her dog and set it down. "Go play."

"Hey, I was feeding him!" She said dramatically.

"He can wait," I said pushing her back onto the bed.

I wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. Romancing her was not an option. She wrapped her flabby arms around my back and pulled me onto her. The taste of greasy fries assaulted my mouth when we kissed. My mind started to chant my need for another notch on my belt. Once my determination overwhelmed my nausea, I started ripping my clothes off. Brittany's pierced nipples surprised me when she shed her shirt. Who says fat chicks don't have redeeming qualities? It became a race to see which one of us could get our clothes off first. We paused long enough to kiss again then I stepped back to peel the jeans off her meaty thighs. Brittany's legs were so thick that it took three hard pulls to get the denim below her knees. The wrestling match ended with her pants on the floor and me out of breath.

Brittany sat up and attacked me like a rabid squirrel. Her meat sausage fingers engulfed my cock before my jeans were completely off. Her mouth quickly followed her hand to my dick and proved once again that fat chicks give the best blow jobs. I stood at the edge of her bed while she worked her mouth up and down stopping to tease with her tongue. She showed off her skills for a few minutes before I shoved her back onto the bed again. The foreplay stopped momentarily while I fumbled around with my crumpled jeans trying to find a condom.

"Hurry up baby," she said playing with her fat pussy.

My dick went limp from the thought of going inside of her, but one look at her pierced nipples woke my little buddy up. I slipped my dick slowly inside after I found a rubber. Brittany's pussy was surprisingly tight for a fat chick. I let it slowly slide in and out a few times. Once she was wet I moved faster and harder with each thrust. Eventually, my dick went balls deep. My intent was to make her walk funny for a week. The attempt didn't go unnoticed for long.

"Oh, not so deep," Brittany groaned holding my hips back with her hands.

The day I listen to a bitch in bed is the day I get a sex change with a butter knife. My thrusts went harder instead. I wanted to make her scream. Muffled laughter came from the doorway. Johnny recorded every second of my achievement with Jason's camera.

"Get out!" Brittany yelled pushing me off.

Johnny shook his head. He is usually a very reserved person so to see him be bold meant he had to be hammered drunk.

"Y'all are doing a good job. Don't stop," he said pointing the camera lens at her tits.

I stood up and went to the bathroom. The alcohol made my need to piss apparent. I tore off the condom then through it in her bathtub after closing the bathroom door. Let that bitch clean up my mess. After pissing I wandered back into her room still naked. She stood next to her dresser eating the cheeseburger she had ordered earlier.

"What the fuck are you doing? I wasn't done," I asked angrily.

"I'm hungry," Brittany said taking a bite.

"Too bad, set it down," I commanded.

"I can do both," she answered with a full mouth.

The thought made me laugh. I grabbed another condom from my jeans and put it on. Brittany bent over her dresser. I walked up behind her and slowly entered from behind. I didn't really expect her to take another bite, but she did. We continued to fuck while she ate the cheeseburger. My thrusts went as deep as before in hopes of making her choke. Killing a bitch with my dick and a cheeseburger would have been epic. Unfortunately, we were interrupted before she could die.

"Holy shit! Patrick said peeking around the doorway. Johnny stood next to him recording the whole incident.

"Get out!" Brittany screamed at them both.

"I totally didn't need to see that! I'm leaving," the gay friend said stomping off in a temper tantrum.

Brittany grabbed a sheet following Patrick. I threw the used condom onto her pillow. My bladder demanded attention again. I went to the bathroom but the door was locked. I knocked on it several times without anyone answering. I walked out to the main room naked and saw Dustin pacing with an angry expression.

"Dude, let's leave before I fucking kill that gutter slut," he growled grabbing his jacket.

"Okay brother, I gotta piss though," I replied urgently. My bare foot plunged into dog shit when I turned back to the bathroom

"You have got to be kidding me!" I shouted.

"What?" Dustin said zipping up his jacket.

"I just stepped in dog shit!" I yelled.

My bladder didn't care where it was emptied and neither did I. Her kitchen sink looking inviting. Dustin and Johnny waited while I walked into Brittany's kitchen. Moments later, my piss splashed all over her dishes while I whistled the Flintstones theme song.

Dustin laughed for the first time since leaving the bar, "nice brother, now let's get out of here."

I walked to her bedroom to grab my clothes and was surprised to see Jason on top of Brooke. I put on my jeans then kicked the bed.

"We're leaving," I said.

"Why?" Brooke asked sincerely confused.

"Because your fat ass friend won't put out," my answer came as I pulled on my shirt.

"Don't call me fat you prick!" Brittany screamed opening the bathroom door. "Get out of my apartment!"

I laughed as I walked to the front door, "I had already planned on leaving fat ass."

She threw one of her shoes at me, "don't call me that!"

"Dude let's get the fuck out of here," Dustin said grabbing Jason off of Brooke.

Johnny videotaped Brittany throwing another shoe at me as we left.

"Jason, I didn't know you were into guys," Johnny said when we got to the car.

Jason looked at Johnny replying; "what are you talking about?"

"That gay guy kissed all over your chest and you just let him," Johnny said seriously.

Jason shook his head, "you're crazy."

"No, I'm serious," Johnny replied. "It's all on tape."

Dustin and I insulted Jason relentlessly while Johnny explained how it happened. We couldn't wait to get home to watch the proof. Jason sat in the back seat sulking the entire ride.

We busted into my sister's house drunk, loud, and determined. Johnny and Jason made a 20 dollar bet during the ride about whether it had happened or not. Both were absolutely positive they were right. Dustin hooked up the camera to Johnny's big screen television then turned the volume up all the way. My sister woke up and came out of her room telling us to quiet down. We told her to shut the fuck up and go back to bed.

It took a few minutes of fast forwarding through me plowing Brittany's fat ass to reach the part Johnny was talking about. The scene stunned all of us. Jason was laid back against the couch kissing Brooke. She unbuttoned his shirt and started kissing down his chest. After licking each nipple, Brooke sat up to make out with Jason again. As their tongues played, Patrick sat down next to Jason. Patrick's hand rubbed across Jason's chest. Jason was obviously concentrating on Brooke, because the gay guy started kissing Jason's body. The worst part is that Jason didn't seem to notice.

Jason jumped up as he watched the recording. He screamed useless threats at the television while the rest of us laughed until we couldn't breathe.

"I'll take that 20 dollars now," Johnny said laughing even harder.

Jason handed over the money on his way to the guest bedroom without another word. He didn't speak for the rest of the night.

The next morning Dustin and I talked about where I planned on living.

"Dude, you're going to live with me," Dustin finally said.

I shrugged, "I start college in August so I have to be back in Tennessee by then."

"Good," he responded. "Let's pack your shit so we can get out of here after we eat."

"Fuck yeah," I replied happily.

Even though we were loud the night before my sister still woke up and made us breakfast. It's amazing how some women know their place.

After breakfast I grabbed my bags and walked down the stairs. My sister was still in the kitchen where all women belong. I stood in the door way with my packed bags.

"I'm leaving. I'm going to live with Dustin," I said.

"I thought you were going to live here," she replied. "The guest bedroom is ready and everything."

I shrugged, "yeah that changed, bye."

"Are you at least going to see mom and dad before you leave?" She asked following me outside.

"Na, I'll call them tomorrow or something," I answered.

I walked out the door adjusting my bag away from the bruise on my back and climbed into Dustin's truck.

"Let's go brother," I said with a smile.

That night changed my life forever. Now cheeseburgers always remind me of how much I hate fat women.