Bowling Balls

(This is a story based upon sexual metaphors which will only be funny if you look for every little pun and metaphor. But still, it's not that funny.)

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One day Harold White and his buddy, Thin Man, were walking down to the nearest bowling alley. Today, they decided to take a shortcut through the woods. Though the route was actually a longer way, they did however come across a box under some twigs.

The box was small, metal, and had a simple padlock on it. When they removed the branches from off of it, the sunlight reflected off, causing it to glow. The two teenagers with a low intelligence were drawn to the very shiny, appealing box.

"What a cool looking box. I wonder what's in it," Harold said.

Thinny replied, "Let's open it."

The two placed down their bowling-ball bag and searched for objects to smash off the lock. Thinny reached for a glass liquor bottle he saw lying in the grass. He didn't notice it was full because of the paper bag it was in and swung it at the box. The bottle of "GP: Bum's Choice Beer" shattered and tiny glass shards flew everywhere in the same fashion as the urine it contained.

Drenched in pee, with chunks of glass shrapnel in his leg, Harold bent his arm back and managed to knock off the lock with a dead pigeon. Maggots and feathers crowded the air as the two boys laughed and did the ring-around-the-rosy over the unlocked box.

When the stench of decaying bird cleared, Thinny watched from a careful distance as Harold got on his knees. Heart beating with anticipation, Harold slowly lifted the lid off the box. What lurked inside on a bed of ice horrified Thinny and yet strangely enough kind of excited Harold. They found a severed scrotum.

"Wow! A testicle bag!" Harold cheerfully jumped, holding in the moist, rubbery skin, carrying two testes.

"Oh my gosh! Why the heck is that in there?"

"I'm not sure, but I am intrigued."

Harold picked up the scrotum and squeezed it. It was an abnormally large scrotum, possibly one belonging to an elephant or hippopotamus. The one end was full of thick, lush pubic hair, the other end was burned where the cut was to prevent the blood from clotting. It had to be just removed because it was still fresh, hair still on it, still warm, still sweaty.

Thin Man couldn't stand the sight of the scrotum Harold fondled, so he grabbed his ball and went on ahead to the alley. Harold decided to keep it as a pet rock, just like an ornament around the house, without Thinny knowing. He opened his wallet and pulled out the condom Harold was saving for two years now. He put the scrotum in the condom with a little ice to preserve it from decomposition. (Where did he get this ice? I am not sure. No one is. He just had some ice handy.) Harold stuffed the condom-scrotum in his pocket and ran to catch up with Thinny who was almost at the alley at a blistering speed of 6 miles-per-hour.

Thinny and Harold set up in their favorite lane, lane 23. They slipped on their bowling shoes, unzipped their bags, and whipped out their special balls: Thinny's "Purple Monster" and Harold's pink "Tight-hanger." They put the scorecard over the overhead and wrote their codenames on the margin: "Mr. Spaghetti"(Thinny) and "Rainbotica" (Harold). Then they started a competitive game without the bumpers.

Half way into the game, the score was relatively even. It was Harold's turn. He launched his ball down the lane....BAM! Pins fell, but 2 remained. It was a 7-10 split, Harold's hardest setup. He went again, but missed both pins. The shot wasn't up his alley.

Later in the match, one turn left for both of them. The score was tied 235/235. Thinny was confident he could so he looked at Harold and made a little wager. "Hey, Harold, you wanna make a bet? Because I think I'm goin' win and I want to go out a big winner."

"You? A winner? Ha! I could beat your butt any day."

"Sure. Whatever. Okay, the loser must lick the ball of that sweaty guy in lane 13 and pay for the game and the winner's ice cream."

Harold shook his head. "No, that's child's play. The winner watches the loser kiss the girl at the popcorn stand."

"I got one even better. Winner gets a free ice cream, while the loser must go into the ladies' room and touch a woman's booby who's taking a pee."

"We could get cooties!"

"Exactly."

"I don't like that one. It's too risky."

Thinny smirked, "What's a matter? Are you afraid you'll lose? Or are you too chicken?" Thinny did an impersonation of a chicken without skimping on the "bauk-ba-bauk."

"Fine, Thinny. You're on." Harold yelled. "Your turn, bub."

Thin Man with his fluorescent shoes picked up his ball, baby-stepped up to the line, and rolled the ball. I guess the pressure was getting to him, he hooked the ball too much, leaving him with a gutterball. "Dammit!" Thinny mumbled as the pin replacer replaced no pins.

His ball came back through the ball returner. Thinny frowned at the laughing Harold. He was mad. He lined up his ball with the pins and hurled a scorcher, knocking all but one pin down. Not even the four spinning pins could swipe the side, but the one still stood.

"Ha! One strike for me and I win." Harold laughed as he picked up his specifically designed ball, customly fit for Harold's unusually fat fingers for someone of his size. Harold rolled his ball so fast (how this is even possible considering he's so weak) that his ball exploded in a pile of pink dust. And when the smoke dissipated there were two pins left... Harold's kryptonite if you will. (No, not dairy or his fetish with women's panties) It was the 7-10 spit.

With Harold's ball broke, he needed to find another ball, but all the small balls had such tiny, tight holes that Harold couldn't fit his fingers in even with lubrication while the big balls with the wide holes were too heavy for Harold to even lift off the rack let alone roll.

While Harold thought of a way to win without his lucky ball, Thinny kept on saying the word "choke" over and over again.

Frustrated, Harold turned to Thinny and said, "That's what your mom did to me last night. She chocked and choked."

Thinny grew sad, "I don't have a mom, remember."

"Oh, than it was your dad."

"That's disgusting. Stick it up your butt!"

"That's what he said."

"Gross. That is so gay."

"I'm not gay, Thinny"

"Well, Harold just bowl already instead of just dangling before you find another ball or do you forfeit and have to enter the women's bathroom Let me just imagine it." Thinny started laughing so hard he fell out of his chair, started farting uncontrollably and almost let out a turd. That's when Harold realized he had something that might work.

Harold reached into his pocket and pulled out his newly found scrotum and unwrapped it from its latex shell. "Lead me to victory, Sacky, with your fleshy-cocoon and magical powers."

Thinny stopped laughing with enough time to see Harold overhand throw the scrotum at the 10 pin, hitting it hard for it to fall, tearing the scrotum in two, sending one of the nuts to smack the 7 pin, busting it in a wave of juice, winning the game for him. "YES!!! I win! Free ice cream."

"No," As Thinny interrupted Harold's celebration, "That's cheating."

"Nope, I win."

Thinny began to argue, "I win, you cheated."

"How?"

"You didn't use a bowling ball."

"A ball's a ball."

"But that was two balls at one time, so you're disqualified."

"No. They were in one handy-dandy casing, so technically it was one ball."

"But since the jacket broke, two balls were let loose. So still it was cheating."

"What was I supposed to do, my ball broke?"

"Fix your ball."

"With what? Glue? It was in a million little pieces."

"Yes."

"But I would have a sticky ball that wouldn't work right."

"That's your problem. A ball's a ball."

"Stop putting my words about balls in my own mouth."

"Face it, Harold, you lose."

"You can't stomach the fact that I one with the help of my huge scrotum."

"No"

"Yes. You're mad because I have a super scrotum."

"I don't need a super scrotum. I won anyway and you lost."

They continued to fight over the rules of using a scrotum in bowling when Stephen Angermaier walked over to them to see what the problem was. "Hey, fuckheads, what's the fuss about? Anal-dildo batteries wear out?"

Harold told Stephen the story about finding the scrotum, his ball breaking, and how it affected the bet they made. "What should we do? Was it cheating?"

"First of all," Stephen said, "Why would you save something like that..."

"Well, I..."

"I don't want to hear it. You and Thin will both have to go through with the bet."

Thinny asked, "Why can't we both not do it and both be winners?"

"Because you're both losers. I don't know bowling regulations, so I don't know if you can use other balls than bowling balls. Frankly, I've never bowled in my life."

Harold asked, "Then why are you hear?"

"I don't really know. I woke up here with pain in my ass in a trash can with this bloodstained T-shirt that says "Go for it. Go in. Go out. Go for the gold. Go for the deepest hole. Gopher porn."

"Hey, Stephen," Thinny noticing something, "What are those black triangles on your hand for?"

Stephen looked at his hand and saw what he was talking about. "Umm, I was never here." And Stephen ran out of the bowling alley.

"Well, how about we both go into the ladies' room and grab the same lady's booby?"

"Okay, Harold."

So the two kids set aside their differences, went inside the bathroom, kicked open a stall, and groped a crapping Kristen Smythe until she ejaculated in their faces, blinding them, causing them to run into each other, both blacking out in the lap of the girl in shock while she dropped a load of brown into the toilet. Then the owner of the bowling alley busted in, throwing them out faster than the TV airing time of that show "Stark Raving Mad" on NBC, banning the two forever without them having to pay.

After that, the two walked home talking about the fun time they had bowling. They laughed and laughed about Harold's scrotum which swung to both sides of the rules and how no one got a free ice cream. Harold went to rent some dirty, dirty porn (wonder what kind) while Thinny went to his house to tell his father the happening adventure him and his chum had. When he told his dad, Roe Man, who was playing chess with Roe's pal, Oldman Krudders, Roe screamed, "MAMA MIA!" and grounded Thinny.

Now the lesson learned in this story is never keep a scrotum you find in a box out in the woods and never tell your father anything. Also, I don't think it's a good idea for anyone named Harold to rent porn. It seems a little out of character and just plain wrong. Speaking of porn, what's "gopher porn." Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know.