Bad Kisser

***All characters are over 18 and are fictional. Any resemblance to any real-life persons is purely coincidental.

...

"So, what happened?" asked Jessica.

"I have no idea," replied Ethan. "Everything was going well, but as soon as things were getting too serious, she broke it off."

"Wow, that's usually the guys' move," Michael joked.

"That's so true," said Susan, Michael's girlfriend.

The four of them were at the pool hall next door to Ethan's apartment building. Ethan and Michael were playing pool together, while Jessica and Susan sat back and watched and got into the conversation. They took him out to make him feel better after Ethan's latest girlfriend dumped him. This happened quite often, as Ethan seemed to have the worst luck with women.

There was nothing wrong with Ethan. He was a decent guy with a good job, who was always very courteous with people and had a great sense of humor. He was also a very good-looking 27-year-old, tall with short brown hair. He wasn't completely perfect, but he was far more stable than some of his friends, who still acted like frat boys at their age.

And it wasn't like he had bad taste in women; every woman he dated was very emotionally and mentally stable. Nothing about them gave off warnings to his friends or family that they were wrong for him in any way.

"Did Rachel say anything to you ladies?" Michael asked both women.

Jessica and Susan gave each other a strange look before turning their heads back to the guys.

"What do you mean?" Jessica asked, somewhat nervously.

"You both talked to her; she must've said something."

"Yes, in fact, you ladies have talked to several of my previous girlfriends," said Ethan. "There must've been something they said, some kind of commonality to show why this keeps happening to me."

The two ladies thought about it for a moment.

"I have no idea," Jessica replied.

"Me too," said Susan, looking very nervous.

Ethan and Michael continued playing pool and eventually found a way to change the subject to a variety of other things; anything to get Ethan's mind off of his bad love life. The girls went off on their own to play one of the two arcade games in the pool hall.

The next day, Ethan and Michael were alone while waiting at the bus stop after work.

"I've got bad news for you, bro," Michael began to say. "I think I've got an idea of why Rachel broke it off with you; in fact, it may explain why it keeps happening to you."

"Seriously? What is it?" Ethan asked.

"I thought there was something wrong with how Susan and Jessica acted when we asked them if any of your ex's ever said anything to them that you should know about; they didn't seem sincere about not knowing anything. So, when I got Susan back home, I grilled her about it, and she finally confessed. And, well..."

Michael trailed off, not knowing how to finish what he was trying to say.

"Come on, what is it?" Ethan demanded to know.

"You're a bad kisser," he blurted out. "And I don't mean just simple kissing either, you're somehow terrible at making out with a woman."

Ethan was speechless; he was sure there was some kind of mistake.

"This can't be true," said Ethan. "I slept with some of those women; if I was a bad kisser, how did I get them into bed?"

"I asked Susan the same thing," Michael replied. "According to some of them, they just wanted to skip ahead to sex. Apparently, you're very good in bed, so there's still something positive about all of this."

It took a while before Ethan said anything else, as he was still dumbfounded by this revelation.

"It can't be true," said Ethan.

"Rachel described it to Susan as like being attacked by a squid."

"Oh, God," said Ethan as he cringed. "That sounds very bad.

"And that one woman you dated last year, Cindy, told her that it was so bad that she thought she was experiencing her own 'Me Too' moment."

"Ok, I get it. You can stop now," Ethan pleaded. "But still, is that really a good reason for them to break up with me?"

"Again, I asked Susan the same thing," said Michael. "According to her, it's not the reason for all the breakups; some of them were legitimate, and don't forget, you broke up with some of them as well. But some of those women who made that claim felt it was very important. Sex and a good relationship are great, but apparently it doesn't accommodate being a bad kisser."

"Damn," was all that Ethan could say. "Why didn't they say anything to me?"

"I have no idea. You'd think someone would've said something by now. It would've saved you a lot of trouble if they had."

When Ethan got home, he decided to make a few calls to some of his ex's; they would be awkward conversations, but he needed to talk to them about it. Some of those women were very happy to hear from him and made it easier for him to question them about his kissing techniques.

Unfortunately, they all confirmed that it was true and said he was a terrible kisser, but assured him that he was still great in bed, which made Ethan feel a little bit better. Some of them said that despite his bad kissing style, that wasn't the reason they broke up, but others confirmed that it was definitely the main reason. Those ladies said that they couldn't imagine a long-term relationship with someone who couldn't kiss them properly.

He also asked them why they didn't just tell him about it. Most of them said they didn't want to hurt his feelings about it and thought he might have felt insulted. This only got Ethan angry about the situation, because if just any one of them had just told him, he would've done something about it a long time ago.

There was only one person left who could shed more light on the subject, his long-time friend Jessica. Although they dated very briefly back in college and never slept together, they had made out a few times. He couldn't see any of the ex-girlfriends he had been calling in person, but he could see Jessica, who could probably give him more insight into the situation.

He went to her apartment sometime after he ate dinner, surprising her with an unannounced visit. When she opened the door for him, she greeted him with a big smile and let him in. She led him to the kitchen, where she got both of them a beer.

It wasn't too late that night, but Jessica looked like she was ready to go to bed from the tank top and pajama shorts she was wearing. Ethan couldn't help thinking how sexy she kind of looked at that moment. He always thought she was sexy. She had dark red hair, was only a few inches shorter than he was, and had a slim body with a good-sized bust that was on the bigger side of a size C.

As much as he liked looking at her, he wasn't there just to ogle her, he was there to get some answers.

"So, am I a bad kisser?" Ethan asked, deciding to just get right to the reason he was there.

"Oh shit, who told you?" Jessica asked.

"So, you felt the same way?" he asked. "And you probably knew that from what some of my ex's told you, is that right?"

"I'm sorry," she said sadly. "I wanted to tell you, but I didn't think you'd be a bad kisser for this long; I figured you'd eventually get better. I had no idea you would just get worse."

"I got worse?" Ethan snapped at her.

Jessica told him that although she didn't hear it from every woman Michael had dated, from the ones who brought it up, their description of his kissing style kept sounding worse and worse with each person.

"How come nobody ever told me about this?" he asked. "Why didn't you tell me when we dated back in college?"

She replied, "I didn't want to hurt your feelings and I didn't think it would take you this long to find out. I was hoping one of those other women would have told you by now. You date a lot of women; I'm surprised nobody said anything about it."

There was a long moment of silence between them as they drank their beer.

"They tell me you're great in bed, if that makes you feel better," she told him.

"It does a little," he replied. "But still, I wish I knew. I missed out on so many good relationships because of this."

"I have an idea," she began to say. "Kiss me, like the way you like to kiss women right now.

"What?"

"Let me get a good idea of how you kiss now. We've dated before, and it's just a test. It won't be that weird."

Ethan agreed to the test; at least he could get an idea of his kissing methods. They put down their beers and came in close to each other. There was a moment of awkwardness between them because it had been so long since they had done this and they were good friends now. When they were ready, Ethan leaned in and kissed her; he didn't try to change anything about the way he kisses a woman, because he wanted an honest opinion about how he currently does it.

After about 30 seconds, they let go of each other, and he saw a terrible look on Jessica's face.

"Oh my God, how bad was it?" Ethan asked.

"I'm going to be honest with you; I feel like crying right now," she told him.

"Seriously?"

"I don't know how, but you have really gotten worse since college," she said. "I'm very sorry."

They finished their beer, and he made an excuse to go back home. She apologized one more time for not telling him, and he said it was alright, although he still felt a little hurt by it all. Jessica saw him out the door, but before that, he had to ask her something that suddenly came to his mind.

"I have to ask one last thing," he began to say. "Was that the reason you broke up with me back in college?"

"Oh, no, I promise you that's not the main reason," she assured him. "If you remember, we were so busy back then with classes and our internships that we barely had time to see each other."

"At least that's good to know," said Ethan, feeling a little relieved by that.

They said their goodbyes, and Ethan walked away down the hall to the elevator. Jessica closed the door and breathed a sigh of relief. Although there was some truth in what she told him about why they broke up, she lied that it was him being a terrible kisser that was the main reason. She also felt bad that she should've told him about his problem at some point in their friendship. If she had told him from the very beginning, or at least sometime sooner, she felt that Ethan would've had some much better relationships by now.

Over the next couple of months, Ethan dated three more women, each one not lasting very long. When asked why, they made a series of excuses that didn't seem sincere. He finally asked the third one he called if it was because of how he kissed her, and she had to confess that it definitely was.

He tried to improve his kissing skills from whatever he could read about it online or from YouTube videos he could find about the subject. He attempted to use what he learned on the next couple of women he dated, but it didn't do the trick. He wanted to ask if one of them could show him how they liked to be kissed, but he was too embarrassed to ask something like that.

Over the next month, after all that, he basically gave up on dating. He had some opportunities to ask several women out, some of whom were very much interested in him, but he never made the move.

Jessica noticed how he had been turning down women left and right. She didn't get much of a reason why, but she kind of had an idea about it. She always thought of Ethan as a big ladies' man because of the way he actively dated and slept with women; she was always impressed with how well he did with women. Now it was hard for her to see him like this.

Then finally, one night at the pool hall, Jessica had to confront him about it when he saw him turn down the advances of Maria, the very attractive new female bartender that every other customer was fawning over. She was so hot that Jessica and Susan joked that even though they weren't the least bit bisexual, they would still bang her in a heartbeat.

Maria had been turning down men left and right ever since she worked there, but Ethan was the only one she was openly flirting with. But Ethan kept playing dumb around her, pretending he couldn't see how interested she was in him.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jessica asked him. "She's obviously into you and you know it."

They were at a table at the far end of the pool hall, having a beer and waiting for Michal and Susan to arrive.

"You know why," said Ethan. "We'd go out for a little while and then she'd break it off because what a bad kisser I am."

"So, that's it then? You're just going to give up dating all together?"

"I'm not giving up on it; I'm just taking a break until I figure this shit out," he told her.

Jessica couldn't take it any longer; she couldn't see her friend in such a way. She had an idea that she was keeping in her back pocket, but held out on using it. But after seeing him turn down someone he could obviously enjoy being with, she decided she finally had to go with that idea.

"That's it, you're coming with me," she ordered.

She grabbed him by the arm and forced him to get out of his chair and pulled him away to the front door.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"You're place," she replied. "I'll explain everything to you when we get there."

Jessica was fortunate that Ethan lived next door to the pool hall, so she didn't have to go that far. Ethan kept asking her what she wanted from him in his apartment, but she kept being coy about it all the way there.

When they got to his place, she made him sit down on the couch, and she sat down next to him.

Jessica began to say, "You can't just wait until you 'figure things out,' as you put it, to go back to dating. So I've decided I'm going to give you kissing lessons."

"You can't be serious?"

"I'm very serious," she replied. "I'm perfect for this. You're already comfortable with me, I already have an idea of how bad of a kisser you are, and I'm already a schoolteacher, so I know how to deal with difficult students."

Ethan didn't like the idea of being compared to a troubled high school student, but he let it slide.

"I don't know about this," he told her.

"With my help, I can improve you and make you ready for when you finally take out Maria."

Ethan thought about it for a moment.

"This is highly unusual," he replied. "But it's not just simple pecks on the lips we're talking about; it's full-on making out."

"I'm OK with that."

"Maybe you're not thinking this through. This would involve how I put my hands on your body," he told her. "You'll be OK with me feeling you up?"

"I've had plenty of guys feel me up already," she told him. "So, I've got a good idea of how a woman should be felt up, and I don't mind letting you feel me up during these lessons."

Ethan was stunned; he never would've thought he would be in this kind of situation. But she was right; he couldn't just wait to figure things out on his own; he needed help, and Jessica may be the only one who could help him. Plus, he really did want to ask Maria out, and he needed to work on his kissing fast to ask her before she gave up on him and moved on to the next guy.

"Ok, let's do it," he said. "I'm not going to overthink it; it's a problem that needs to be dealt with, pronto."

"Excellent," said Jessica with a big smile. "Let's begin right now."

"Right now?"

"Yes now," she responded. "Why did you think I brought you here to my place, dumbass?"

"Calling me a dumbass won't put me in the mood," he told her.

"Just shut up and kiss me already."

Ethan leaned in close to Jessica's face, closed his eyes, and mashed his lips against hers. He held it there for a while before he slipped his tongue into her mouth, and that's when she pushed him away and looked at him with a face of horror.

"This is going to be harder than I thought," she said.

"How bad was it?"

"That was horrible!" she yelled. "For a moment there, you made me feel ashamed of being a woman."

Ethan was extremely hurt by that statement.

"You couldn't sugarcoat that a little?"

"If we're going to do this right, I need to be extremely honest with you."

She began telling him everything, how all he did was push his lips against hers very hard and move them around too much, with a little bit of his tongue sticking out, which felt very weird. And when he tried to put his tongue into her mouth, he just shoved it all in like he was using his tongue to attack her mouth.

"You have to be gentler when you kiss women on the lips; touch her lips gently and move them around a bit; try to follow the way the woman you're kissing does it when she kisses you in return."

"I thought it was alright," said Ethan.

"No, it wasn't," she assured him. "And when you put your tongue in a girl's mouth, do the same as she would do with yours. Slowly put it in little by little, massage your tongue against hers, and move it around a bit in circular motions, not throwing it around in there."

Ethan was surprised that there was so much to be said about how to kiss a woman. He really thought he was doing a good job, but his teacher was saying otherwise.

"I know you can do better this time," she said. "Let's try it again, and for now, let's skip the tongue and only focus on our lips."

Over the next hour, Ethan attempted to kiss Jessica properly several times. Each time, she had something to say about what he was doing wrong. By the end of that hour, she admitted that he was getting better, but there was still much to improve on.

Jessic noticed that Susan was blowing up her phone with texts, wondering where she wanted Ethan to be. They both agreed to call it a night and continue tomorrow night.

"Did I at least get better?" Ethan asked.

"Better, yes, but so much to work on," she replied.

They met Michael and Susan at the pool hall where they had drinks ready for them and Michael got a pool table ready. This time they played teams, men vs. women, with the men, of course, letting the women win in order to make them happy. Susan was a good pool player, but Jessica was just terrible; Ethan got a good thrill knowing that at least he could say he was better than her at one particular thing.

The next night, Jessica stopped by like they planned and went straight home.

"It's a technique that involves administering a form of punishment as a means to modify behavioral traits for a more positive outcome," Jessica replied.

"What kind of punishment do you mean?"

With that, Jessica slapped him hard across the face.

"What the hell?" he yelled at her.

"For every time you do something wrong, I'm going to slap you across the face," she told him. "Under the circumstances, I think it's our only option."

"I think there may be a better way to motivate me."

"Do you want to spend the next year learning to kiss a woman, or do you want to hurry this up so you can get laid again?"

Ethan settled down and thought for a moment, and couldn't help thinking she was right. He won't like that method at all, but she did make a point.

"Alright, I'll agree to this method," he told her.

They reviewed everything she taught him, and he tried kissing her again. He did his best to do better that time because he felt how hard she could slap him and didn't want that again. His best apparently wasn't good enough as she pushed him away and slapped him hard again.

SLAP

SLAP

SLAP

Time and time again, Ethan kept failing, and Jessica had no choice but to slap him hard in order to motivate him to do better. She gave him good advice in between slaps and reminding him of what he did wrong.

"You are getting better at it; I can sense it," she told him. "You just have to concentrate harder on what you're doing.

Ethan tried again; that time he felt that he was definitely getting better, as they held that kiss a lot longer. But eventually, Jessica pushed him away and got her hand up, ready to slap him.

"Hold on a second," he told her, with a scared tone in his voice. He never thought he'd be afraid to be hit by a woman.