Prologue:
A lifelong collector of goods and objects from far and wide has passed and left the entire collection and the business built around them to the only remaining relative, a niece on a career path of her own. Vikki has taken on the task of administering the estate and liquidating the business and collection. However, she has come to find out that many of the goods have been cursed or enchanted with amorous powers that affect those who encounter them. These are the stories of some of those encounters with objects found at
Amorous Goods
.
Episode 513: The Cricket
Dave could not believe his luck. Another meeting had just been scheduled for this afternoon. The Dean had done this so many times on a Friday afternoon he wasn't sure he could take it anymore. She had only been here two years and was ambitious. Did she not know how things worked at Fording?
Dean Salet was given the task of raising 65 Million over the period of one year. They weren't even close. If Dave's promised donations came in he would bring in 34 million. The other twelve members of the fundraising team might muster five. Was that his fault? Did he have to suffer every time the Dean felt the urge to yell at everyone?
He closed his email and trudged towards the conference room. Yvonne joined him. "You don't look happy, Dave," she said. "Have a hot date this evening? Best reschedule."
Yvonne was always prying into his private life. She also flirted with him and made inappropriate comments about his body. What was he to do about it? File a complaint? He was the only male on the team with twelve women. When the Development, Research and Alumni department appointed Dean Salet, she promptly fired half of the department. He was the only male that survived.
The empty slots were filled with clones of Yvonne. Middle aged, fat, frumpy women that looked like Wilford Brimley. They had zero personality, yet thought they were "cultured". He was just a common peasant from the country to them. If it weren't for Faith, he would have quit long ago.
Faith was the webmaster. "Web Editor" was her official title. She was younger than him by a decade, and totally hot. An Irish beauty if there ever was one. The actress Caitriona Balfe from Outlander came close, but Faith had larger breasts. They got him through these meetings. They were very large. Her nipples poked through any bra she wore. He loved to make her laugh as he got a flash of her beautiful smile, and some serious pokies.
He couldn't find Faith at the meeting. Once it started, he was startled to find out why.
Dean Salet started the meeting on a grim note. "The Dean is aware we are not going to make our mark of 65 million. He is not happy. What we are short comes mostly out of our budget. We've had to let many people go. The seven of us must pick up the slack."
The rest of the meeting went in one ear and out the other. The woman had destroyed the department in two short years. He had worked there 23 years and had never seen anything like this. He had some thinking to do.
Dave decided he would spend the weekend on the Cape. He had driven the highway, but never stopped long enough to take it in for any length of time. He knew just the spot. With any luck, he wouldn't return.
---------------
Cokerville was a cute little village on the ocean side of the cape about halfway to Greenside, the city at the end. It was famous for its art, shops, and an odd collection of people. Even the hotel he was going to stay at was different. He had a choice of themes for the room. He thought he would be safe with "Western", but the stirrups hanging over the foot of the bed and rope ties on the headboard dashed any thoughts of that. At least it was cheap.
He knew many of the shops had found quite a lucrative niche and planned to spend the weekend trying to bump the fundraising amount he had achieved. He didn't know a thing about web design and needed Faith to be rehired. Not only would he miss her boobs, he just knew Dean Salet was going to make him take over the role of Webmaster. She didn't seem to like him, and gave him most of the crap assignments.
His first day was a bust, but he enjoyed an all you can eat crab dinner that was offered. While sitting there cracking shells, he overheard the strangest conversation.
"I'm telling you, Louise, you have to return that thing. It's cursed."
"Don't be silly, Fred, you were just feeling frisky."
"I was not! I was dead tired and wanted to sleep, but you popped the cork on that stuff and I was up all night."
"Oh don't be silly. It is just perfume."
"Perfume that gives me a...stiffy(whispered) that wouldn't end. It only went away this morning!"
Dave casually turned to see who was talking. To his astonishment, an elderly couple were sitting in the booth behind him. They had to be in their 80s.
"Mind your own business, buster. I'm not too old to put a licking on your skinny ass!" said the man.
"My apologies sir, I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I am an investigator with the FDA, however. Might I ask where you purchased the perfume? If dangerous goods are being sold, I need to know about it."
"Oh Fred, the perfume isn't dangerous. If it made you randy, that's a good thing."
Fred was animated. "Tell that to my Johnson, Louise! You try and sleep when the dang thing is chafed and sore, but still won't keep still."
"Really, Fred, that is enough. You are starting to cause a scene. Just tell this nice young man where you bought it."
Fred lowered his voice. "Amorous Goods" It's just off the main drive on the south end of town. I hope you shut the place down." He got up and grabbed Louise's arm, leaving money for their check. Dave didn't notice them snickering to each other as they left.
The next day he found himself in front of the strangest shop he had ever seen. It had a small entrance on the corner of another shop. Unless someone pointed it out, you would never notice it was there. An old wooden sign hung over the door. "Amorous Goods, est..." the date was completely faded.
Instead of tinkling bells when he entered, it sounded like a girl had giggled. He looked around, but no one was there. He took in the rest of the shop and nearly started laughing.
It looked like a complete hodgepodge. There was no theme at all. Trinkets and baubles lay next to things like tubas, surfboards and Chuck Norris weight machines. There were ancient looking items like stone axe heads and knives. In one corner stood a miniature of the Rhode's Colossus, and next to it on a wall was a Mississippi license plate with the name "Elvis'' on it.
"May I help you?"
He turned and almost laughed again. The woman before him looked like Elvira. With anorexia. Her arms were barely thicker than a broom handle. Her eyes were sunken, but not her chest. The silicone practically bounced up and down as she walked towards him. Her dress was cut so low he was terrified that a tit might fall out and come completely off.
Yet she was young. 30 at the most. The poor thing. She looked to be near death.
"My name is Adeline. I work for Vikki." she said. "Welcome to Amorous Goods. The items we sell here are special. Be careful and don't touch anything. I will help you pick what you need."
"I'm not here to shop," Dave said, "I'm here to ask if you sold some perfume to an elderly couple."
Adeline rolled her eyes. His balls cringed. Her eyes were so sunken and dried out, it felt like there should have been crunching sounds. "You are the man pretending to be an FDA inspector."
Had the couple warned her? He only told the fib because he felt Fred would be eager to turn in the shop. "My apologies, Adeline. I was very curious about the perfume you sold Fred."
Adeline laughed. She had one tooth in her entire mouth. Her right eye tooth had elongated and looked like a serrated lightning bolt. It was stomach churning to see. "They fooled another, hah! They've sat in that tourist trap for years and lured people here with that perfume tale."
"You mean it isn't true?"
"Of course it's true!" she snapped. "Fred loves the stuff. He is in here constantly buying more."
"May I see a bottle."
"No." She snapped again.