All About Women

Before any of you whip off some nasty notes about how I am a misogynistic son of a bitch, remember this, I love women. I've been with them since before I was born, I am currently surrounded by them and there will probably be a bunch of them at my funeral. This is supposed to be a humorous piece. If you just can't handle that kind of humor, maybe you should seek entertainment elsewhere.

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Now, all you men out there know that I don't know all about women. Nobody does. After seventy years of close association with these mysterious animals, I thought I might write down some of my observations. I'm not trying to educate anyone. If you find some similarities in your dealing with women that is because, world wide, they are all trained the same way or maybe they're just wired the same way. The relationship between men and women is symbiotic. Once one of them has latched on to you, she's got you for as long as she wants you.

My association with women started before I was born. I spent a nice, long, peaceful time in a warm fluid inside a warm body. This was the last peace I would ever experience with a woman. Suddenly, I was squirted out into the harshness of the cold world. There were bright lights. People were looking at me. It was distressing so I cried and cried. Then, a warm titty full of milk was shoved in my mouth and I happily sucked away on it for the next year.

Alas, all good things must come to an end. One day there was no more warm titty. It was replaced with a bottle of milk that wasn't nearly as good as what came out of the titty. They fed me foul, tasteless stuff from a jar. It was awful but I was in no position to gripe about it. I was a captive. I really missed my titties. It was another year before I found out that my mother was an excellent cook. As is usual with young boys, I had a voracious appetite and would devour damn near anything that was put in front of me.

Speaking of food, I noticed as soon as I started dating that girls weren't ever hungry. Whenever I took one to a restaurant, she would kind of pick at her food, not eating very much of it. I found out much later, after I was married, that women have an appetite that is equal to, if not greater than a man's. Many are the times I have watched my wife gobble up quantities of food that would cause a logger to blush. Thinking back over these experiences, I have concluded that the shy, demure, picky eater was all a ruse to make us think they'd be low maintenance. Hah!

As long as we are discussing things alimentary, let's consider farts. Men and boys, one and all are proud of their farting expertise. The louder it is and the more it smells, the better the fart. Young women, on the other hand, would rather eat a pot of dried spiders than fart in the presence of anyone, especially their boyfriends. Almost all of them carry some kind of anti-gas concoction to ease them through the evening. All that changes about the fifth year of marriage. Suddenly one day, she'll moon you just before her shower while she is nude. At the maximum moon angle, she'll produce a loud, noxious cloud of gas that would kill most terrestrial creatures and then she'll laugh about it. Many men are shocked. I know I was. When we were dating, I knew she farted but it never smelled or made a sound. How did I know she had done it? A light wind would hit me between the eyes, that's how!

Most men believe that women are shy, demure, sexually naïve creatures because they are physically weaker than men. My experience has been that they know much more about sex than we do, can be totally aggressive and are not afraid to instruct us as we blunder our way through the sexual relationship. Don't ever get the idea that you tracked your mate down, cornered her and then seduced her. If she hadn't been stalking you for a long period of time you never, I say again, never would have gotten into her pants. She set you up and at the appropriate moment, plucked you like a ripe apple. Women are very crafty animals and although it may appear to us poor, dumb males that they do things in a totally illogical manner, there is method to their madness. The purpose of the subterfuge? They need some big, strong oaf to work for them and give them babies when they are ready for them.

The only error women make consistently is they seem to think that men are as complex as they are. Nothing could be further from the truth! Men are simple animals with simple tastes. Clothing provides a good example of this basic difference in character. Men are generally happy with a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and maybe a jacket if they live in the north. Women possess a bewildering array of gizmos and gadgets that go underneath their outer garments. The variety of outer garments is endless. If you don't believe that is true, the next time you are in a department store, take the time to examine the space provided for women's clothing compared to that provided for the guys. I'm not complaining about it. There are far too many clothing items in the men's section anyway in my opinion.

Ah, yes, let's talk about stores in general and the way that women shop. If a man identifies something he has to buy, he'll go to the store, buy it and go home to his pool table and his beer. The cost will be whatever price the item he was going for. He doesn't haggle, wait for sales or use coupons. See, simple and efficient. A woman going to the store for a twenty dollar item will spend five or six hours in several stores and come home with three hundred dollars worth of goods, none of which will be what she went for. Oh yeah, all those lost souls you see sitting on the mall benches are men who were not tricky enough to get out of going to the mall with their woman. Mall shopping with a woman is the most degrading sport man can engage in. There is never a good outcome.

Money! Most guys want to handle the finances when they are young. My advice to them is to dump that load off on your woman as soon as possible. She'll give you the chance. One day she'll say, "All my friends handle the family money, why can't I?" Immediately hand her the check book. Whistle a happy tune. You have succeeded! You will now get more spending money than you ever did before. I don't know how they do it and I don't care.

One of the reasons women keep us around after the breeding period is over is to take care of the vast array of gadgets they have accumulated. Women don't like to think about mechanical things, especially cars, so you have secure employment for life if you don't really piss her off. Whip out your wrench and whistle a happy tune. Job security!

Communication: In her lifetime a woman will speak eight to ten times as many words as a man. A group of women can get together and all start talking at once. The amazing thing is that every one of them knows what everybody said. This kind of multiple communications totally baffles men. And even if they say something, it will be completely ignored. That is why, most men will leave a group of women and go shoot pool or drink beer or both.

Perhaps you are asking yourself, why do men take this kind of treatment? The answer is simple. Pussy! Men don't just like pussy. Men don't just love pussy. Men worship pussy! No other item on Earth has caused so much pain, destruction, crime and pleasure. Most men would swim through a crocodile infested swamp just to sniff a warm pair of panties. We are slaves to it.

Summing up, women are sly, crafty little critters who take advantage of men at every opportunity. Men believe they are naïve and easily tricked. Hah! They are very smart. They are smarter than men. How do I know? Well, I've had my very own woman for forty years and I must say that she still baffles me. Most guys my age have given up trying to understand them. They are and shall always remain totally enigmatic.

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Perhaps you feel I've missed something and I'm sure that is true. If you have anything to add, please let me know. Maybe I'll write a book.