A beautiful sexy woman can make all the difference in the world. Last November one turned my Thanksgiving from a living hell into a living paradise. If all my holidays were like that one I'd get a job at Hallmark just to express my gratitude.
It started out boring enough. I am not a big fan of turkeys, large family gatherings, football, or cranberry sauce so my expectations for T-day were lower than the proverbial whale excrement. Not knowing what was in store for me I almost begged off and spent the day with my computer and my favorite relative, "Uncle Netflix". But my buddy Ed insisted I come with him to his family gathering.
Ed swore up and down he'd ply me with the finest single malt scotch, protect me from his grandfather's endless war tales, and be eternally grateful to me for providing him some sane company in a sea of insane family. I'm a sucker for eternal gratitude - it's nice to have in a pinch, it lasts literally forever, and you never know when it's going to come in handy. So I agreed and it turned out that it was I who would be eternally grateful.
The sea of insane family was even more insane than Ed had led me to believe. If it hadn't been for his cousin Janice, I surely would have drowned. Janice, Janice, Janice, how can I even begin to describe her? I won't even start because drool would start running from the corner of my mouth and I'd have to go play with myself in the back room before I got to the end of the description. Suffice it to say that Janice stood out from her relatives like Babe Ruth at a little league game, like Neil Armstrong at a gathering of paper airplane makers, like Marilyn Monroe at ... oh enough hyperbolic analogies, she was totally fucking batshit insanely HOT, mkay?
Part of my mind was aware of Ed introducing me to his mother. The other part was watching my head swivel like that girl in "The Exorcist" away from Ed's mother over to where Janice stood.
"Mom, this is my pal Jeff Moon, " Ed said, as I looked at Janice's pert breasts pressing against the sheer fabric of her blouse.
"Everyone calls him Blue," Ed said, as I took in the perfect shape of Janice's hips in her tight fitting skirt with those miles of legs sticking out below it.
"I've known him since, college," Ed said, as I looked at Janice's lush lips, evil grin and twinkly eyes that were staring at, no I couldn't believe it, my crotch. She was, I swear, staring right at my growing-by-the-second crotch right there in the kitchen as I was being introduced to her aunt.
"Nice to meet you, Blue," Ed's mother said and I somehow manged to swivel my head back to her and say something appropriate rather than what was in my mind which would NOT have been an appropriate greeting to Ed's mother. Thank God for auto-pilot!
Ed spent forever introducing me to his other insane relatives until at last he introduced me to cousin Janice.
"You know what I like about Thanksgiving?" Janice asked me in a deep and sensual voice, "I like to get stuffed." and she paused about ten heartbeats, then asked, "Blue, are you good at stuffing ..." and she paused, another ten heartbeats before she finally said "turkey?"
The gods of auto-pilot were with me and I managed a sufficiently double-entenderish answer: "Yes, Janice, but I find it works best if the bird is all heated up and juicy before I stuff it."