A Princely Tale A Play

Cast: Princess Chichi

Nanny

Prince Alfric Horatio Pennybottom III

SCENE 1

Setting: A princess's bedroom. CHICHI is sprawled daintily on the bed, snoring loudly. Enter ALFRIC, who rushes to the side of the bed.

ALFRIC: Oh, beauteous one, what foul trance has befallen you? What evil spell has cast you into the depths of this ceaseless slumber? Divine lady, I awaken you with a kiss.

ALFRIC leans over and kisses CHICHI thoroughly. CHICHI awakens, scrambles backwards, and screams at the top of her voice.

CHICHI: Nanny! There's a strange man in my bedroom again, and I think he's trying to rape me!

ALFRIC: What? Rape you? I was trying to awaken you from the foul enchantment that had you under its spell. (Enter NANNY) I fought my way through the briars that surround the castle in my attempt to find you.

NANNY looks out the window

NANNY: Oh dear. He's hacked through your father's prize rosebushes. The king will not be amused.

CHICHI: You'd be bright. How could you not tell roses from briars? What are you, simple or something?

ALFRIC: If they're rose bushes, where are the flowers?

CHICHI: They don't bloom in the winter. Idiot.

ALFRIC: Oh. But anyway, what about my reward?

NANNY & CHICHI: Reward?!

ALFRIC: I awakened you from your slumber, so now you're supposed to marry me.

CHICHI: Marry? You? After you interrupted a lovely dream? I'm getting sick of this. Did you know you're the fifteenth idiot to come charging in here this week wanting to marry me? It's getting so I can't get any sleep. Want to change bedrooms, Nanny?

NANNY: It doesn't work. We tried that a couple of months ago, remember? Though I did have a few fun nights out of it...

ALFRIC: But what about the evil curse that's on you?

CHICHI: Evil curse?

NANNY: He's talking about that spell that daft witch Agatha put on you at birth.

CHICHI: Oh! Yes. I don't know what it was meant to do, but it seems I've been cursed with princes.

ALFRIC: But I love you!

CHICHI: How can you love me? You've known me all of five minutes! I knew you were a moron as soon as I met you. Now you've managed to prove it.

ALFRIC: But I do love you, and I vow I shall win you over. I, Alfric Horatio Pennybottom the third, do solemnly swear that someday I will marry you.

CHICHI: Alfric Horatio Pennybottom the third? Your parents didn't like you much, did they? Look, I'll compromise. You can come visit me as long as you spread the word that I'm, let's see... how about that I'm really a man, but my mother wanted a girl so much that she brought me up as one. That ought to stop the onslaught for a while.

NANNY: Very smart, that move. Gossip and rumour are fabulous things. Before you know it, you'll be considered so hideous that nobody will dare come near the place!

ALFRIC: I shall do as you say, my love. And now, I must adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow, beloved.

CHICHI: Whatever. See you around, Al. (ALFRIC exits)

NANNY: I'll make sure he doesn't steal the silverware. Night, pumpkin.

CHICHI: Night, Nanny. (NANNY exits) Maybe I'll be able to get some sleep around here now.

Enter NANNY

NANNY: Sorry, poppet, but there's a frog right outside the door demanding to see you. He says he's a prince who's been put under an enchantment by an evil witch and only the kiss of a princess can reverse the spell.

CHICHI: Did he bring me anything? I dropped my ball in the pond the other day.

NANNY: I think he came empty flippered.

CHICHI: Oh. Would you like to take care of this one, Nanny? You know, pretend you're me and everything. You don't have to, but I know how you like to play with the princes, and I suppose he might even be telling the truth.

NANNY: Oh, yes, I don't mind risking warts if it means I have a night of rumpy-pumpy ahead of me. I suppose I'll see you tomorrow then, dear.

CHICHI: Have fun, Nanny. (exit NANNY) Now. Sleep. At last.

CHICHI flops onto the bed and starts snoring immediately.

SCENE 2

Morning. NANNY knocks on the door

CHICHI: It's open. Actually, I don't think it locks anymore. I think it's been jimmied once to often. (enter NANNY) The locksmith doesn't even bother these days.

NANNY: Brekky, darling.

CHICHI: Nanny! How was you night?

NANNY: Fantastic! We did it in the bath, then we did it in the pool, then we wandered down to the park and did it in the river. Then, of course, we came back and did it in the bath again. He was sweet. I might even consider keeping this one and having his tadpoles.

CHICHI: I'm glad. It's about time you settled down. Is he handsome?

NANNY: Yes. Built like a Greek God. And no hassles with a hairy back. Although he does have a habit of ribbeting in the heat of passion.

CHICHI: Just so long as he doesn't croak. So, is he nice? What did he talk about? Does he...

ALFRIC: (offstage) Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

CHICHI: Damn, he's back. (yells) Use the ladder like everybody else! (thumps heard from window) Here he comes. Well, I suppose I did say he could visit.

ALFRIC squeezes through the window and falls to the floor. He stands and dusts himself off.

CHICHI: It might have been easier if you'd come in by the front door.

ALFRIC: I thought this would be more romantic.

CHICHI: (sighs) Oh, very well then. But you could have waited until I'd gotten dressed.

ALFRIC: But I saw you like this last night.

CHICHI: That was different. Last night you barged into my room like a lunatic and molested me. You didn't give me a chance to get dressed then either. So turn around!

ALFRIC turns his back. NANNY grabs a dress off a hanger and slips it over CHICHI's head, tieing it in the back.

CHICHI: Okay, you can look now. (ALFRIC turns)

ALFRIC: You are a vision of pure excellence, my love. The very sun itself marvels at your beauty.

CHICHI: Oh, shut up. What was that Rapunzel nonsense at the window? That's not my name.

ALFRIC: Oh. Only one of the princes said...

CHICHI: Rapunzel is three kingdoms away. Poor thing. She let so many princes climb that hair of hers that it all fell out. Not to mention giving her one hell of a crick in the neck.

ALFRIC: So, what is your name?

NANNY: You can call the princess Chichi.

ALFRIC: Chichi!

CHICHI: What's wrong with it? It's better than Alfric Horatio Puddlebottom the third!

ALFRIC: That's Pennybottom.

CHICHI: Whatever.

ALFRIC: Well, no matter what your name is, you're still the one I love.

CHICHI: So, did you do what I asked?

ALFRIC: Oh, yes. I went straight to the pub after leaving here. I found about twenty princes there, moaning about how hard it was to find genuine royalty these days, and how all the good princesses were either taken, or, you know, working the other side of the fence? Anyway, I told them what you told me to say. They were really upset that they'd been wasting their time on you, so they've decided to go to the next kingdom over. Apparently the king there's got twelve daughters, all unmarried, and he's offering one up for marriage if the guy can work out where they go at night. They reckon they've got better odds with twelve real princesses than with one prince faking it. So it seems I've got you all to myself.

NANNY: Well, that's something, at least.

CHICHI: So, what now?

ALFRIC: What?

CHICHI: Well, you were going to woo me, right? So let's get it over with.

ALFRIC: Oh, right. Well, I did write a poem for you.

NANNY & CHICHI roll their eyes

CHICHI: Well, chop chop. Quickly now. The sooner it's said, the sooner it's over.

ALFRIC: (clears throat) Ode to Rap...er...Chichi"

My love, she has her hair of gold,

Her eyes of sparkling blue...

CHICHI: Actually, they're brown.

ALFRIC: Really? Oh. Well, it was a bit dark last night, and...

CHICHI: Just get on with it.

ALFRIC: (clears throat) "Ode to... um... Chichi"

My love, she has her hair of gold,

Her eyes of sparkling bl... brown,

Um... She seems to be more... beautiful

Than... er... all the girls in town.

Her smile brings out the stars at night

And envious is the moon.

Throughout the deepest, darkest fog

She drives away the gloom.

CHICHI: Gloom and moon don't rhyme.

NANNY: Well, they're close. And he is trying.

CHICHI: Yes, very trying.

ALFRIC: Can I get on with this?

CHICHI: Go ahead.

ALFRIC: Okay, where was I? Gloom.

She drives away the gloom.

The angels sing as she draws near,

From Heaven she was sent,

I vow to win her love someday,

Because for each other we were meant.

CHICHI: Are you finished now?

ALFRIC: Yes.

CHICHI: That last bit didn't scan right.

ALFRIC: Huh?

NANNY: She means that the rhythm was off.

ALFRIC: Well, I can't be expected to get everything right! I've never written a poem before.

NANNY: Well, for a first try, I'd say it was pretty good.

CHICHI: Don't encourage him, Nanny.

NANNY: Sorry, but I thought it was sweet. Give the guy a break. You're being too hard on him.

ALFRIC: What do you want from me, anyway? I mean, I'm trying my hardest here, but you don't want me to rescue you, and you don't want me to lavish affection on you, and you don't like my poetry even though I worked all night on it, and...

CHICHI: You worked all night on it?

ALFRIC: Yes.

CHICHI: For me?

ALFRIC: Yes.

CHICHI: Why?

ALFRIC: What do you mean, "why"? I told you, I love you.

CHICHI: We've been over this before, you don't love me, you don't even know me. So why is all of this so important to you?

ALFRIC: Well, if you must know, my father is really pushing for me to get married. If I can find myself a wife, I get a piece of his land to rule over and become king pretty much immediately, which is sweet, but if I'm not married by my next birthday he's going to disinherit me, all my lands, my title, my money, all gone. I'll be (horrified) poor!

CHICHI: Oh. Well why didn't you say so in the first place? I've got this cousin, Gertrude, she's single. She's been trying to get a man, but the poor thing's got a hair lip, and...

ALFRIC: But you still don't understand. I couldn't marry anyone else now.

CHICHI: What do you mean?

ALFRIC: Originally, any princess would have done, but then I came here and met you. I was so taken with you... You're the most beautiful creature I've ever seen! And you're smart, and funny, and fiery! I could never settle for anything less now.

CHICHI: You think I'm beautiful?

ALFRIC: Truly.

CHICHI: You really think you love me?

ALFRIC: I never thought love at first sight was possible, but you've changed my mind. I love you with all my heart.

CHICHI: Yes!

ALFRIC: Yes, what?

CHICHI: Yes, I'll marry you!

NANNY: But what about...

CHICHI: Shut up, Nanny. Alfric, let's get married now. Before you change your mind.

ALFRIC: Why would I change my mind?

NANNY: Um, Alfric...

CHICHI: I said shut up, Nanny! Let's go!

Exit ALL

SCENE 3

ALFRIC carries CHICHI through the door and staggers to the bed where he drops her.

ALFRIC: You're heavier than you look.

CHICHI: Well, you don't have to do that again, so it shouldn't be a problem.

ALFRIC: The ceremony was very fast. Why was everybody staring at me so strangely?

CHICHI: Um, I don't think they expected me to get married. Not to you, at least.

ALFRICK: Oh. Well that must explain it then. And why... It doesn't matter. I love you no matter what your name is. I thought Chichi was a strange name for a princess, but I understand why you prefer it to your other name.

CHICHI: About that... I need to tell you something.

ALFRIC: Can it wait? I just want to make love to my radiant wife.

CHICHI: Wife. Yes. Um... We never discussed children!

ALFRIC: However many you want will be fine.

CHICHI: How about none?

ALFRIC: None? Well, I suppose...

CHICHI: You see, I can't bear children.

ALFRIC: Oh. Are you sure?

CHICHI: Quite sure.

ALFRIC: That's okay. I'm sure my father will get used to the idea. It's not like I don't have any brothers to carry on the name. So, my royal highness, let's get to bed!

CHICHI: Before we do that, I need to tell you. There's a reason my father called me George...

CHICHI lifts her skirts

ALFRIC: Oh my God! You're a Queen!

CHICHI: Well, I am now.

CLOSE