Cast: Princess Chichi
Nanny
Prince Alfric Horatio Pennybottom III
SCENE 1
Setting: A princess's bedroom. CHICHI is sprawled daintily on the bed, snoring loudly. Enter ALFRIC, who rushes to the side of the bed.
ALFRIC: Oh, beauteous one, what foul trance has befallen you? What evil spell has cast you into the depths of this ceaseless slumber? Divine lady, I awaken you with a kiss.
ALFRIC leans over and kisses CHICHI thoroughly. CHICHI awakens, scrambles backwards, and screams at the top of her voice.
CHICHI: Nanny! There's a strange man in my bedroom again, and I think he's trying to rape me!
ALFRIC: What? Rape you? I was trying to awaken you from the foul enchantment that had you under its spell. (Enter NANNY) I fought my way through the briars that surround the castle in my attempt to find you.
NANNY looks out the window
NANNY: Oh dear. He's hacked through your father's prize rosebushes. The king will not be amused.
CHICHI: You'd be bright. How could you not tell roses from briars? What are you, simple or something?
ALFRIC: If they're rose bushes, where are the flowers?
CHICHI: They don't bloom in the winter. Idiot.
ALFRIC: Oh. But anyway, what about my reward?
NANNY & CHICHI: Reward?!
ALFRIC: I awakened you from your slumber, so now you're supposed to marry me.
CHICHI: Marry? You? After you interrupted a lovely dream? I'm getting sick of this. Did you know you're the fifteenth idiot to come charging in here this week wanting to marry me? It's getting so I can't get any sleep. Want to change bedrooms, Nanny?
NANNY: It doesn't work. We tried that a couple of months ago, remember? Though I did have a few fun nights out of it...
ALFRIC: But what about the evil curse that's on you?
CHICHI: Evil curse?
NANNY: He's talking about that spell that daft witch Agatha put on you at birth.
CHICHI: Oh! Yes. I don't know what it was meant to do, but it seems I've been cursed with princes.
ALFRIC: But I love you!
CHICHI: How can you love me? You've known me all of five minutes! I knew you were a moron as soon as I met you. Now you've managed to prove it.
ALFRIC: But I do love you, and I vow I shall win you over. I, Alfric Horatio Pennybottom the third, do solemnly swear that someday I will marry you.
CHICHI: Alfric Horatio Pennybottom the third? Your parents didn't like you much, did they? Look, I'll compromise. You can come visit me as long as you spread the word that I'm, let's see... how about that I'm really a man, but my mother wanted a girl so much that she brought me up as one. That ought to stop the onslaught for a while.
NANNY: Very smart, that move. Gossip and rumour are fabulous things. Before you know it, you'll be considered so hideous that nobody will dare come near the place!
ALFRIC: I shall do as you say, my love. And now, I must adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow, beloved.
CHICHI: Whatever. See you around, Al. (ALFRIC exits)
NANNY: I'll make sure he doesn't steal the silverware. Night, pumpkin.
CHICHI: Night, Nanny. (NANNY exits) Maybe I'll be able to get some sleep around here now.
Enter NANNY
NANNY: Sorry, poppet, but there's a frog right outside the door demanding to see you. He says he's a prince who's been put under an enchantment by an evil witch and only the kiss of a princess can reverse the spell.
CHICHI: Did he bring me anything? I dropped my ball in the pond the other day.
NANNY: I think he came empty flippered.
CHICHI: Oh. Would you like to take care of this one, Nanny? You know, pretend you're me and everything. You don't have to, but I know how you like to play with the princes, and I suppose he might even be telling the truth.
NANNY: Oh, yes, I don't mind risking warts if it means I have a night of rumpy-pumpy ahead of me. I suppose I'll see you tomorrow then, dear.
CHICHI: Have fun, Nanny. (exit NANNY) Now. Sleep. At last.
CHICHI flops onto the bed and starts snoring immediately.
SCENE 2
Morning. NANNY knocks on the door
CHICHI: It's open. Actually, I don't think it locks anymore. I think it's been jimmied once to often. (enter NANNY) The locksmith doesn't even bother these days.
NANNY: Brekky, darling.
CHICHI: Nanny! How was you night?
NANNY: Fantastic! We did it in the bath, then we did it in the pool, then we wandered down to the park and did it in the river. Then, of course, we came back and did it in the bath again. He was sweet. I might even consider keeping this one and having his tadpoles.
CHICHI: I'm glad. It's about time you settled down. Is he handsome?
NANNY: Yes. Built like a Greek God. And no hassles with a hairy back. Although he does have a habit of ribbeting in the heat of passion.
CHICHI: Just so long as he doesn't croak. So, is he nice? What did he talk about? Does he...
ALFRIC: (offstage) Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
CHICHI: Damn, he's back. (yells) Use the ladder like everybody else! (thumps heard from window) Here he comes. Well, I suppose I did say he could visit.
ALFRIC squeezes through the window and falls to the floor. He stands and dusts himself off.
CHICHI: It might have been easier if you'd come in by the front door.
ALFRIC: I thought this would be more romantic.
CHICHI: (sighs) Oh, very well then. But you could have waited until I'd gotten dressed.
ALFRIC: But I saw you like this last night.
CHICHI: That was different. Last night you barged into my room like a lunatic and molested me. You didn't give me a chance to get dressed then either. So turn around!
ALFRIC turns his back. NANNY grabs a dress off a hanger and slips it over CHICHI's head, tieing it in the back.
CHICHI: Okay, you can look now. (ALFRIC turns)
ALFRIC: You are a vision of pure excellence, my love. The very sun itself marvels at your beauty.
CHICHI: Oh, shut up. What was that Rapunzel nonsense at the window? That's not my name.
ALFRIC: Oh. Only one of the princes said...
CHICHI: Rapunzel is three kingdoms away. Poor thing. She let so many princes climb that hair of hers that it all fell out. Not to mention giving her one hell of a crick in the neck.
ALFRIC: So, what is your name?
NANNY: You can call the princess Chichi.
ALFRIC: Chichi!
CHICHI: What's wrong with it? It's better than Alfric Horatio Puddlebottom the third!
ALFRIC: That's Pennybottom.
CHICHI: Whatever.
ALFRIC: Well, no matter what your name is, you're still the one I love.
CHICHI: So, did you do what I asked?
ALFRIC: Oh, yes. I went straight to the pub after leaving here. I found about twenty princes there, moaning about how hard it was to find genuine royalty these days, and how all the good princesses were either taken, or, you know, working the other side of the fence? Anyway, I told them what you told me to say. They were really upset that they'd been wasting their time on you, so they've decided to go to the next kingdom over. Apparently the king there's got twelve daughters, all unmarried, and he's offering one up for marriage if the guy can work out where they go at night. They reckon they've got better odds with twelve real princesses than with one prince faking it. So it seems I've got you all to myself.
NANNY: Well, that's something, at least.
CHICHI: So, what now?
ALFRIC: What?
CHICHI: Well, you were going to woo me, right? So let's get it over with.
ALFRIC: Oh, right. Well, I did write a poem for you.
NANNY & CHICHI roll their eyes
CHICHI: Well, chop chop. Quickly now. The sooner it's said, the sooner it's over.
ALFRIC: (clears throat) Ode to Rap...er...Chichi"
My love, she has her hair of gold,
