A Moral Story

The Queen of Grimordeal was beginning to hate her husband, the King.

The King was a great believer in several old axioms, 'Leave no job left undone', and 'Leave no hole left unfilled'. To the former he applied himself with great diligence and his kingdom and subjects prospered and soon left their 'Third Kingdom' status in the dust. To the latter he applied equal zeal by causing anyone or anything that stood in the way of the former to be buried deep and forever. Unfortunately, the King also decided that the latter could be interpreted in another way.

HISTORICAL SIDENOTE: The saying 'leave no hole left unfilled' has evolved and has been bastardized over the years but is the root of 'skeletons in the closet', 'He knows where the bodies are buried', 'always keep a second set of books', and the now popular 'I didn't do it, and nobody saw me'.

After the misuse of either of two of her three royal orifices, the Queen would loudly curse as she left the King's chambers, emitting strings of invectives that would leave her handmaidens blushing, crying and wringing their hands in anguish, the palace guards cringing and staring at their boots to avoid her possible wrath, and the bishop making signs in the air while saying prayers for her soul.

The King's Chamberlain, seeking to resolve this vexing situation, consulted with the resident wizard, who in turn was granted an audience with the Queen.

During the interview the wizard learned that while the Queen didn't mind, in fact she rather enjoyed, the use of all three of her apertures, she was vehement in her disgust at the King's insistence of injecting his seed into two of them. One she claimed gave her indigestion of such an extreme nature that she could not enjoy food or drink and that the second gave her whistling flatulence and her handmaidens thought she wanted to play 'Name that Tune'.

The Queen confided further to the wizard that while she could handle either problem occasionally, it seemed that one problem would begin to abate and the other would start and that more and more frequently she would be afflicted with both at the same time. Her only respite came when she would reside in the summer palace in Lesser Grimordeal and the King would be involved with matters of state in the capitol.

The wizard promptly prescribed a tonic and herbs and promised the Queen that her problem was solved.

Two weeks later the wizard found himself before the Queen again. This time the Queen promised the wizard that if he couldn't find something better than chalky potions for her to drink and absorbent herbs to pack in her posterior then she would have his guts for garters and that the remainder of him would be ground up and fed to the palace swine where he would finally learn the ins and outs of life. She gave him a fortnight and dismissed him.

To say the least, the wizard bent his mighty intellect to this problem and soon came to the conclusion that he must use occlusion with a touch of subterfuge.

Now the wizard was known far and wide. Yay, he seemingly got around, and was owed many favors from many of the King's more unscrupulous and less circumspect subjects.

The wizard enlisted the aid of one large faerie known in faerie circles as Gus.

The next day the wizard and Gus visited the Queen and set before her the following plan: The Queen would insist that the King notify her in advance in regards to which hole was in play that night. On the nights the Queen did not wish to partake of the King's largesse; Gus would change his shape, adorn himself in the Queen's bedclothes, anoint himself with the Queen's perfume and take her place in the King's chamber. In return for this the wizard would be allowed to keep his guts and pursue avenues of research using his own methodology, and Gus would be allowed to live in palatial splendor until a 'Natural death do we part'.

The Queen sealed the deal with a bloody thumbprint and a sigh was heard throughout the palace.

HISTORICAL SIDENOTE: The King soon became so enamored with Gus's skill, that he forgot the old saying, and the Queen often did not visit the King's Chamber for months. She used this time by applying her considerable charms to obtain the honor and loyalty of the palace guard who then assassinated the King at her order. The Queen then used Gus to keep the guard in thrall.

The moral of the story is: Don't Cuss. Call Gus. Gus will take the gush for you.