Dear ladies,
I'm curious to see if someone else feel the way I do.
This is not a story, just sharing some thoughts I'm having tonight, about my experiences with sex, and my own personal physical sensations.
Can other ladies relate to that?
Of course, men can read as well ;)
In the beginning of my sexual experiences, I used to not like intercourse much. It was often downright painful, probably due to some medical condition I was going through, and of not knowing my body very well.
If I touched myself, I would just rub my clit, or grind against pillows or towels. That was the only pleasure I knew; which feels fine, I mean, I just not consider it the greatest pleasure anymore.
When I was with my partner, also, I focused on my clit. Intercourse ranged from being annoying, to painful, to just nothing. That- I don't know if I even realized it, back then- but always made me feel disconnected from my partner.
Because, of course, I was not feeling any pleasure from the act itself.
I enjoyed it when my partner used his fingers on me, inside of me; those were the only times when I actually felt pleasure.
Talking to some friends, I found out that I was not the only one to feel that way. I also did my research online, and found confirmation of my beliefs- so, that it was normal to enjoy clit rubbing and fingering, over PIV sex.
I guess for years, that was my truth.
I really loved my partner at the time- or at least, I thought I did.
Intimacy was pleasurable and fulfilling for many different reasons, but not for the actual orgasm itself.
I liked the intimacy, the cuddles, the kisses, the occasional fingering, the feeling of being close to the person I loved. The feeling of giving pleasure to the person I loved.
I didn't think there was much more than that.
Orgasms were briefs and "sharp" occurrences, where the pleasure was concentrated in my clit, and disappeared soon after I was done. It was fine, again, like, I don't know.... Like scratching somewhere that itches terribly, and feeling relief from it.
A few years later, I came to terms with what I really liked (and still do).
I like bdsm-flavoured things, power play, and pain.
Just the hint of some power play, of having my hair pulled, of someone digging their nails into my hips, to keep me in place...
God, I feel myself shiver only by thinking about it.
I have always had a strange relationship with pain; I was very depressed, in my teens. I used to hurt and cut myself.
I've always kind of secretly found something sexy in pain, but, I don't know. I was such a sweet, "good girl" on the outside, that I felt it wasn't even in my right to voice my feelings.
It was something I didn't share with others, just a relic of my troubled youth.
But then, I was a proper young lady; I wore flower blouses, and pink midi skirts; I was a perfect student, a sweet, loving girlfriend and then wife; the daughter every parent might want.
If I wore as much as some lace underwear, I felt almost guilty.
It was not for me.
If I asked for a different position- I never liked missionary much- I felt ashamed.
I had thought about pulling my legs up, sometimes, onto my husband's shoulders; but he didn't suggest it, and I was too shy to ask.
Let alone ask for something less "vanilla" than that.
Sex had become more of a way to pleasure my partner, or to feel "secure". Rather than something I did because I enjoyed it.
Was that situation fulfilling for him, anyway? Considering what happened later, probably not;
One day, out of the blue, he informed me he was going to end our marriage and leave.
I never saw him again.
Of course, it was not a happy time for me.
