I should start by telling you that I don't actually think you're a dummy. Vampire slaying can be a very daunting task your first time out and it requires a lot of skills that most people build up over a life time. If you're reading this book you obviously don't have the time to learn these skills gradually. Perhaps your brother was turned into a vampire and you need to kill the head vampire before it becomes permanent. Maybe you've been bitten yourself. Whatever the reason is that you're getting ready to embark upon this quest you shouldn't go unprepared.
We'll start with the basics because that's what's most important. Getting through the second encounter. I say the second encounter because since you've lived long enough to read this you've already survived your first encounter. Congratulations. Ninety nine point nine (repeating of course) percent of people fail what you've accomplished. You have survived a vampire. So go pour yourself a drink, you're going to need it.
We should start by identifying the precise species of vampire you've encountered. Yes there are several different species of vampire and knowing exactly what you're up against makes a lot of difference as to what equipment you should carry. Right now I would recommend hanging cloves of garlic from all the windows and doors of your house as well as pouring salt along those entrances. If you have a welcome mat or anything welcoming people into your home displayed outside bring them inside right now. These are only precautions they do not protect you against all species of vampire but you're better off with these things in place. I'll start by describing the most common species. If you encounter and survive a new species please notify me so I can adjust this list. Lives depend on it.
Vampirus Buffus: One of the more common species since the late nineties is Vampirus Buffus. This is good because they are one of the weaker species of vampire. They have no special powers of shape shifting or hypnosis. They aren't especially strong either. They can be killed by decapitation, fire, sunlight or a stake through the heart. Upon death they turn to dust. Crosses work against this species burning them like touching a hot iron. You should take into account that it's just a hot iron you're waving around if the vampire wants you bad enough he'll bat it away or even let you burn him so he can kill you. There are also a few twisted ones who get off on pain. Holy water has a similar effect. There is a single known subspecies of this breed known as a Turokon. They are much stronger and their hearts are encased in bone making it difficult to pierce.
Vampirus Bladicus: This is another common species. It is similar to the Vampirus Buffus in that decapitation or UV rays are fatal to this breed. Like Vampirus Buffus they have no shape shifting or hypnosis. Wooden stakes just piss them off so don't waist your time. Silver bullets will kill them and is the preferred method of destruction. There is a formula that I am no privy to that will make their heads exploded. I personally don't recommend searching for this because honestly silver bullets will suffice. This species is very fast, able to dodge bullets even at close range if they are aware of your attack. There is also a known subspecies of Vampirus Bladicus with a barbed tongue. The subspecies is only vulnerable to UV radiation.
Vampirus Stokus: While increasingly uncommon in number this is your most basic vampire. They can be killed in all of the ways mentioned previous to this entry. In addition they can not cross directly over water. They can change into mist, bats and wolves seemingly at will and must sleep during the day unlike the previous species which must avoid sunlight but can otherwise remain active during the day.
Vampirus Hellinius: You're screwed. No pure human has ever survived combat with one of these monsters so if you've seen one and lived it's for a reason.
There are several other species of vampire that are only known in certain regions. Eventually texts will be written to identify such beasts as the Kami No Oni, the Japanesse vampire that must count anything placed in front of it before moving on which is fortunate in a land where rice is a staple part of the diet. Just throw dinner on the floor and escape. I will also explain now to defeat a Lenku Gar, the African vampire. It's not a true vampire, it eats skin rather than drink blood. Very gross.
Now I'll explain to you the weaknesses of various vampires so you can be better able to protect yourself. This is just going to be a quick list of weapons and protective to keep on yourself at all times.
Crosses are only effective about fifty percent of the time but since you can pick on up on a necklace at your nearest store for a few bucks I recommend it. It is important that the cross be visible in order to have it' effect.
Holy Water is again only effective fifty percent of the time. If your cross works there is a good chance that Holy Water will as well. If you find yourself in this position I recommend asking your local priest to bless as much water as you can. Trust me on this Holy Water Balloons are far more effective than Holy Hand Grenades. Particularly because there is no counting involved.