The Joy of Sex

I feel I should point out a very important fact at the beginning of this light hearted article...

Not everybody wants to have sex outside of the bedroom!

Some folk actually prefer it on a bed. Yes, a nice normal bed. They might actually even leave the lights on from time to time. However, if it was suggested that they have sex (gasp) somewhere different, then much gnashing of teeth would ensue. But I'm not writing this for them. To be frank, those nice people are hardly likely to be perusing stories on Literotica are they?

So, to return to the subject at hand, what are the pro's and con's of engaging in sexual activities outside of the home?

Firstly fun is an important consideration. Basically, anywhere different is always likely to be a turn on -- which of course is the whole point of the exercise.

Unless of course you're so worried about being arrested, you spend the whole session scanning the horizon for the local law enforcement officers as opposed to actually having an orgasm. In that case, go home and jump under the duvet. You might enjoy it more. Feel free to knit me a scarf while you're there.

Another important factor to think about is that many people are unable to have sex in their homes and being willing to enjoy carnal activities in a multitude of different locations, means that they may actually get laid occasionally. This unfortunate predicament could be for a variety of reasons -- they might still live with their ultra religious parents, or they could be married to somebody else. Not good.

But what are the disadvantages?

Err...being arrested for lewd behaviour is a good one. Frostbite of one's nether regions is another one. Oh yes, and let's not forget unfortunate encounters with disgruntled wildlife.

But don't let that put you off! Oh no, the potential fun to be had more than outweighs the chances of anything untoward happening mid coitus. Trust me. I'm an expert...

Location, location, location...

1. Ooh la la - in your car!

It's probably fair to say that most of us have enjoyed erotic experiences in cars as a rite of passage during our teenage years (but only after we turned eighteen of course!). I hope you (like I), have lots of fond memories as a result. Cars are a very useful mobile bedroom -- not only do they have an inbuilt sound system, but they also have a multitude of storage areas to hold things like condoms, wet wipes and alcohol.

However, comfort levels vary greatly between different makes and models. For example, have YOU ever tried having sex in a Mini? No? Trust me on this -- DON'T! It may seem obvious, but the larger the car and more importantly, the higher the roof, the more comfortable the experience will be. This particularly applies if you are a freak of nature and exceptionally tall.

Vehicles like camper vans are a joy to own when mobile sex is your thing. I once had an email from a guy on a dating website who was most proud of his Volkswagon Camper Van. He figured that advertising himself as 'Clean, discreet, have VW camper and will travel' was guaranteed to make me want to meet him. Sadly his picture indicated he was almost certainly related to Gandalf from Lord of the Rings, so I passed on that delightful opportunity.

Anyway, I digress...

Where were we? Camper vans? Oh yes, wonderful invention! What more could a girl ask for when there is a fold-out bed as well as a kettle to make a cup of coffee post coitus. Let's not forget the portable toilet, too! Wow! Holy crap (no pun intended), I'm really regretting turning down that date with Gandalf now. He was probably hot stuff.

Whilst camper vans are going to be at the 5* end of car-sex, there's no reason to dismiss the guy who shows up in a family saloon. This middle of the range car is more than adequate for a bit of fun. The back seat is likely to be roomy enough and unless the suspension is shot to [bleep], you'll be fine.

Before you get down and dirty, please consider where you're parked. Anywhere remote and secluded is probably a good idea. For God's sake don't get it on in the car park of your local supermarket! (CCTV anyone?) Well, not unless you fancy having a starring spot on Youporn.

Also, this may seem obvious, but don't park in a known area for 'dogging' unless you want audience participation.

2. When Nature Calls...

On a fine summer day, when you and your honey are strolling hand in hand through a scenic country park / forest / nature reserve, what could be more entertaining than stopping for an idyllic picnic and a spot of sweet love making? Not a lot in my book!

Sex in the great outdoors is always entertaining. Nothing beats the feeling of being at one with Mother Nature as you both do what comes naturally. But before I get too carried away, let's consider the practicalities of such an endeavor.

First things first, choose your venue well. The local park might look very pretty, but in all likelihood it will be fairly busy with mums and their offspring, retired folk, and glue-sniffing teenagers. None of these groups of people are likely to be very thrilled at stumbling over your naked backside mid thrust. The mum will scream, the baby will cry, the old woman will hit you with her handbag and the teenager will probably mug you. So don't go there! Your best bet is to pick either a very large park -- think thousands of acres -- or somewhere far more remote.

I'm not suggesting hiking off into the wilderness just for a quick romp -- hell no, that's far too energetic. By the time you reach the summit of the mountain, chances are you'll be too worn out and oxygen starved to contemplate sex.

Once you have studied the weather forecast to make certain no blizzards, tornadoes, or other inclement weather systems are due, head out with your lover and a picnic, and make the most of what nature has to offer.

When you have arrived at a suitably secluded spot, check around for anything that might put a dampener on the day. It may seem obvious but animals generally wander around these places too. What looks like a soft grassy area to you might well have been their toilet a few hours ago. Romance is going to be the last thing on your mind after you've sat in a stinking pile of...

Okay, let's not go there.

And while we're on the subject of 'things not to sit in or on', please look out for nettles, poison ivy, and, depending on which part of the world you live in, poisonous snakes and creepy crawlies. Should a vicious arachnid bite you whilst you're on the job, you'll either be dead or in need of therapy to cure your sex phobia for years after.

A nice picnic always sets the romantic mood admirably. Add a cool bottle of wine and you'll be well in there. Since you've got the place to yourselves, you can probably indulge in all manner of sexual activities -- so have fun!

However, what happens if you only intended to go for a pleasant walk in the local woods, but the mood caught you and now you're so horny you can't think straight?

Don't despair because this happy chain of events has happened to the best of us. Basically if the mood strikes, just roll with it. Check that nobody is around first (obviously), loosen the appropriate pieces of clothing and, go for it!

My personal favourite was an observation platform intended for bird watching. It was out of the way, high up, and afforded an excellent view of the surrounding area. (Not that I noticed much wildlife at the time...)

What to do in the event it all goes horribly wrong...

- If you're interrupted by angry wildlife, I suggest you abandon everything and RUN!

- If the Park Ranger catches you mid tryst, try and appeal to his romantic nature and hope that he lets you off with a caution. If not, try and see the funny side of it when you're banged up in the local jail -- you'll be dining out on that story for years.

- If you didn't listen to my previous advice and WERE stung or bitten by something nasty, pray very hard that the local clinic has some anti venom handy.

3. Lights...action...camera? (Well hopefully not!)

Traditionally the cinema is a venue where couples go on a date to watch an all-action blockbuster or chick-flick. This may seem like an excellent way to spend your evening, but wait just a minute -- why get all hot and bothered watching some flimsily clad actress getting soft-core laid, when you and your sweetie can have a little fun in the dark instead?

Cinemas were custom designed for naughty antics. Not only do you have subdued lighting and relatively comfy seats, but you also have background noise that will helpfully camouflage any moaning and panting sounds you may inadvertently make.

On the down side, you also have other people present. (Not that I'm suggesting this is a bad thing -- hell, exhibitionism is definitely kinky -- but not everybody is as open minded as you or I). The best way round this particular problem is to pick a film that you know will be fairly unpopular.

So don't choose the latest horror franchise showing at the multiplex! Whilst the sound of bone sawing and screaming will almost certainly drown out your orgasmic groaning, it is unlikely that the rest of your seating row will turn a blind eye. Being thrown out by management while still pulling your pants up might prove to be a tad embarrassing!

The key to success is plan ahead.

Okay, you've selected a film that you know nobody else in his or her right mind will want to watch (subtitled, obscure Japanese films are a safe bet). Now all you need to think about is what you're going to wear.

In my experience (ahem, did I say that?), a front opening dress works rather well. It allows discrete access whilst covering up easily in the event of suspicious observers. Basically anything that allows quick and easy access works a treat.

Having full penetrative sex in a cinema may prove to be difficult -- but please feel free to try! Blowjobs are easy to perform discretely -- just make sure you buy the super-size popcorn first as this is an effective aid to hiding her head bobbing up and down in your lap. Oh yeah, and it helps if she is happy to swallow. Cum splattered all over your shirt when you make an exit is likely to draw unwanted attention.

This is all well and good for you, but what about her? Not a problem! There is usually plenty of scope for touching, and if she wants oral, you should be able to accidentally 'drop' something before crouching on the floor for a while. It may not be all that comfortable kneeling in the remains of somebody's half eaten hotdog -- but trust me, she'll thank you for your selfless sacrifice.

In the unfortunate event that your sweetie is utterly riveted by the obscure Japanese subtitled movie you selected, then you'll just have to wait until you get her into your car for the drive home... (See above for details)

4. Planes...Trains...and Buses!

Most of us have used public transport at one time or another -- unless you're lucky enough to have limo and driver at your service - and there is definitely something rather kinky about the idea of 'getting it on' in a train or plane.

Anybody remember that erotic scene from 'Risky Business' where Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay have fun on a late night train? No? Okay, it's just me then...

Of course it is important to remember that the risk of being caught by a vigilant member of staff is rather high -- but this element of danger is what makes the thrill so delicious. If it were normal to engage in sexual antics whilst commuting in the early morning train -- who would bother? It would be no fun at all!

Planes represent the ultimate thrill. Most folk would be understandably proud to say they were a card carrying member of the Mile High Club. Besides, what else is there to do on long haul flights apart from sleep and eat? It's not as if there is a Porn Channel amongst the in-flight movies on offer.

So, besides ogling the cabin staff and drinking copious amounts of alcohol, what else can we do mid Atlantic? And NO, I wasn't thinking of a soduku puzzle. We can have some fun is the correct answer.

If by now you're frowning at the computer screen and saying, "Hey! Wait a minute! How the hell can I have sex when I'm squashed into an economy seat and surrounded by a contingent of nuns from the Sisters of Mercy Convent??"

The answer to that is -- you should have paid the extra for a seat in business class! Doh!

Of COURSE it's nigh on impossible to get lucky on a charter flight to Costa del Pussy. Well, unless you and your missus can fit in the toilet -- good luck to you if so. Frankly the Karma Sutra would have its work cut out devising a sexual position guaranteed to work in there - and that's without tripping every single alarm designed to warn the cabin crew of impending meltdown.

No, business class (or first class if you're loaded) is the way to go. Here in the more luxurious section of the plane, seating is spacious and there are unlikely to be irritating children running up and down the aisles.

The best time to have some fun on a long haul flight is at night. While the rest of the passengers are blissfully asleep and the cabin crew are busy doing cabin crew things, you and your honey can take advantage of the relative privacy a complimentary blanket affords. It's amazing what a person can get away with beneath a blanket.

As long as you are quiet and don't get too carried away, you should be fine. If your lady is a screamer, it's probably best to shove something in her mouth at an opportune moment - your cock perhaps?

You can probably get away with touching, hand jobs -- and if you're careful, even oral sex. I would say full on sex is probably harder (pun intended) since there would be more movement involved. But where there's a will, there is always a way!

If you can manage it, try spooning behind her as she faces away from you. From this position, with the aid of the blanket, you might be able to gain rear entry and still pretend you are sleeping. Movement will be obviously be restricted, but both of you should still enjoy it.

Potential disaster scenarios...

Apart from the toilet minefield already touched upon, the main danger here is being caught out by someone. Using the excuse that you have a flying phobia and that sex is the only way to prevent you from having screaming hysterics, might work. On the other hand, being arrested upon touchdown is the more likely outcome.

Trains are a little more suited to sexual shenanigans. Catching a sleeper train offers you private sleeping areas and you should have no problem reaching orgasm before being rocked to sleep. Subway trains are more fraught with problems. Whilst late night services are likely to be fairly deserted, there is always the possibility of some drunken nutcase interrupting any naughtiness when he stumbles into your previously empty carriage.

Should you be feeling more adventurous, you could probably try having fun on the commute into work. Just be very careful that the person you're groping is actually the person you intended to grope. It could be a shock to realise that you've just thrust your hand between the legs of a six foot two homicidal man, as opposed to your sweetheart. But don't worry as emergency exits are usually designed to work very efficiently.

Buses offer the same problems as other public transport -- namely over vigilant staff and a lack of privacy. Late night buses are often packed out with drunken revellers, but you may get away with some heavy petting on the backseat since it's far enough away from the driver not to draw his attention too easily.

Long distance coach travel can work better. Late at night with a convenient blanket covering any potentially naked flesh, you can manage more than you might think. Just try the things recommended in the 'planes' section, but remember there is less room for manoeuvring.

Important note -- make sure you know where the bus is going to be stopping en route. It would be less than satisfactory to be in the final throes of passion, only for the driver to pull into a service station and adjacent passengers awaken to realise what you're up to. You really wouldn't want to find yourself thrown off and forced to hitchhike the next two hundred miles... Would you??

5. Breast Stroke -- wet fun at the pool...

If you've taken a trip down to the municipal pool recently, you'll probably be aware of how busy it can get - most of the time the water will be heaving with obnoxious kids and their annoying parents. This means that swimming, let alone any other 'fun' will be nigh on impossible. It makes more sense to check the timetable first and pick a slot when the pool is for adult use only.

Even then, the place is likely to be pretty busy, but since I'm not about to suggest that you add any of your bodily fluids to the teeming levels of bacteria already in the pool, you don't need to worry. The pool is strictly foreplay.

You can spend some time in the water with your sweetheart, admiring the cut of her swimsuit and building up anticipation for some fun to follow. Just be careful not to spend too much time ogling any other buxom ladies in the vicinity -- all that will do is ensure you end up going home alone.

Once you've swum a little and teased a lot, it's time to head for the showers. I'm assuming that the showers and changing rooms are communal -- if they're not, you may as well skip the next part as this section won't be applicable.

Take advantage of shower time as an opportunity to apply liberal amounts of shower gel to your beloved's wet body. As long as you don't spend ages openly fondling her breasts, you should get away with it. However, do keep an eye on other pool users and life guards -- you don't want a lifetime ban from using the facilities.

Once you are both at the point where all pretence of washing has been abandoned, grab your stuff and head for a changing cubicle. Now you are in the privacy of your own cramped space, you can do what you've been thinking about for the last hour or two. Strip those wet clothes off and fuck each other silly.

Be careful not to bang too hard on the partition walls -- in my experience they tend to be a little flimsy. Suddenly realising the walls have collapsed and the whole pool is mesmerised by the sight of your lover bent over the bench with you balls deep inside her, is probably something that will stay burned into your memory for a very long time, although for all the wrong reasons.

If the worst does happen, don't despair -- you can always blame your alarming shrinkage on the sub-zero pool temperature.

6. Private Dancer - Clubs and Pubs

It goes without saying that the dark, alcohol soaked atmosphere of the average club is more than suited to late night fumbling in secluded corner booths. If it wasn't, trillions of relationships would never have left the starting blocks.

I'm sure most of you can be proud of at least one conquest in a pub or club. The rest of you probably just blocked the sordid memory from your minds. But in this instance, I'm not talking about a dangerous liaison with somebody you picked up twenty minutes ago. No, I'm thinking more along the lines of an erotic encounter with your other half, hidden from view in a shadowy corner of some discrete pub or club.

If you're looking for some fun on a night out, it is probably wiser to wait until most patrons are extremely drunk and the bar staff are tired enough not to care. Pick your venue well -- it is best to avoid the more upmarket places as they are likely to take a dim view on punters getting laid in the corner.

Try a seedier establishment, although preferably not one where half of the clientele are charging by the hour for their services. Choose a seating area off the main route between bar and toilet, and nowhere near the coat check. This should ensure that nobody is likely to wander past unless they are sitting nearby. Once you have made sure that any people in the vicinity are too pissed to care what is happening around them, you can get up to pretty much anything.