Submission 101

A few months ago a friend shared his Dom rules with me. I was inspired and set about writing my own sub rules. Being the perfectionist and feeling that perhaps I was being presumptuous given that I had only been in the lifestyle for a few months, I never posted them.

Then He came into my life. We have spent so much time discussing these very issues over the weeks. Out of those conversations, He wrote Dom 101. And I was inspired to take a second look at my sub rules...and with His input tweak them a bit.

One thing I would say is that these rules do not always apply; we break a couple ourselves as a result of our Power Exchange that makes this neither games or playing. Nonetheless, they are a good place to begin. I encourage other subs to consider them, add to them, but begin to give this the serious consideration that it deserves.

So here goes nothing as they say:

1) Know yourself and those limits before you play. Of course, this is an ongoing process and each time you play, each person you play with will teach you something new and miraculous about yourself. But to the best of your ability, know going into any relationship, any scene, what your motivation for play is and what your limits are...for this time and this person. This can be particularly important if you are a true submissive by nature, someone, who like me, craves complete surrender. If that is the case, then submitting to someone who does not share that same level of commitment to the relationship can be disastrous. So before you do anything...know yourself.

2) D/s games are symbiosis at its best. Neither is truly complete without the other. If your relationship is unbalanced with one or the other having more rights or responsibilities then that should be a warning sign. It is of course easy to get confused because power exchange by its nature means that the sub cedes control to the Dom, but that is still her choice, whether for a scene, a day or a lifetime.

3) Safe word when you need to. There is no shame in it. And you will never disappoint a REAL Dom by doing so. This one applies equally to your emotional as well as your physical boundaries. It is alright to protect your heart and mind as much as your physical body. If something, anything, does not feel right, then at the very least...yellow...stop and discuss it before you proceed.

4) Communicate openly, honestly, and clearly to your partner. I go one further, if you are in a relationship with or playing regularly with this partner, be transparent. What's that you ask? Honesty is telling someone the truth about something they ask. Transparency is holding nothing back. It will make some people uncomfortable but it is the building block of a solid relationship...D/s or not.

5) Courtesy is due, trust is earned. Courtesy is due every living creature, sub or Dom. Doms just demand a tad more of it, especially in certain situations. But trust is something that they must earn over time by the way they act towards you and others. Don't give it too quickly or too completely. Make the Dom work for it.

6) Don't confuse love and submission. Submission always comes with strings, boundaries, it must because you are entrusting your physical as well as your emotional well-being to this person. Love on the other hand is a gift, something that you alone are free to give, it comes with no strings. You can submit to someone you do not love and you can love someone you would not submit to. But no matter how much I love you, my submission always has limits. They may be high ones, but they are there.

7) Always ask yourself...would I do that for a vanilla. The answer can be 'no.' A good Dom will push your limits. But by asking this question, it forces you to evaluate if he is pushing too far, too fast, if he deserves the level of trust you are placing in him.

8) Never forget that you have the power to hurt a Dom as much as he can hurt you. You hold their egos (if not their hearts) in your tiny little hands, have care not to squeeze too hard or toss it aside carelessly when you are finished playing with it. Or a REAL Dom anyway. This is because...

9) Doms are still men. With the same failings. They can be selfish sometimes. They can think with their little heads. They can make mistakes. But they also have genuine feelings and needs for this relationship too. Don't make them into gods, they aren't. But also don't ever take a REAL one for granted, they are few and far between.

10) Always take time to process, learn from and grow with each new person and experience. That is after all what I am doing with this list, perhaps we all should write down our sub rules?

11) Never, ever, never forget to have fun. Life is too damned short and we take ourselves and these games too fucking seriously sometimes. If something is not fun, then bloody well don't do it.

12) But always protect yourself...physically and emotionally. Remember you have a life and people who love you outside of these games, you owe them and yourself that much. No matter how much you love someone or how far you allow (yes, allow) him to push you, you were a complete human being before him...and here's the secret you still will be if it does not work out. And if he was one of those elusive unicorns, a REAL Dom, you will be a better, stronger person for the experience.

If you wonder where all the specifics are, things like...don't play while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, always meet someone new in a public place, make sure there is a failsafe in all your play, well they are in there. They are implied in things like know your limits, safe word and trust is earned, not given.

There are so many other beautiful and new things to explore, it is simply a matter of finding the right Dom to test your boundaries, help you grow and become the submissive that you were born to be. Enjoy that roller coaster rides...the highs and the lows. And assume responsibility for all your choices, learn from them.