Simple Lessons

Regardless of gender, it's perceivable that everyone has been in a relationship that they wanted badly to end, but just didn't have the testicular fortitude to say, "fuck off". Well, if you're in a relationship that needs the axe currently, there are a variety of ways that you can end it. I am here to show you the easy way out.

Most people are either too afraid or too nice to sever their ties bluntly, and if this is the case with you, fear not. The simplest way to end a relationship is to make yourself undesirable. First let's go over destroying their physical interest in you.

Women, start caking your faces in makeup. Literally. And you know that perfume that you absolutely have to where when a man that catches your fancy is near? Obviously, don't wear it. Dress like a slob, go on eating and drinking binges, and of course, never, EVER shave any air that you may grow. And I do mean any hair.

For guys, it's easy. Men aren't attractive to begin with, so this is the easiest thing to write. Never, ever, under any circumstances, shower or shave. Not until the undesirable female is gone. That's really all that there is for that segment, and all those tips were pretty obvious. However, there are more obscure things, and this section applies to both sexes.

Personality traits are supposedly what's important in our shallow society ruled by fake attractive people, and if following the previously mentioned tips did nothing, then these are sure to work. Most people hold religion very close to them, whether it be Christianity or atheism, so most people in relationships know about their partner's beliefs. A good way to end your relationship is to tear relentlessly at their beliefs. For example, let's say your significant other is a devout Christian. Even if you also are a devout Christian, a good thing to do while you're cuddling together or sharing some other type of tender moment is to whisper "Satan be praised" under your breath, just loud enough to be heard. Another thing that gets them is yelling "Heil Hitler" during sex.

There are more extreme uses with this method. Example: if you live with your significant other, get a couple of friends over right before he/she is about to get home from work or an errand. Make sure the thermostat is all the way down and that it's freezing in there. Turn out all the lights, have lit candles all over the house, and dress yourself and your friends in long black robes. Form a circle and chant things in any way that sounds odd; a nude person crying in the middle is optional. When they get home, look over at them and continue chanting as though nothing had happened.

Okay, so they say they can tolerate the Anti-Christ image they now have of you. That's okay, though; there are far more methods than just that. One thing a person rarely stands for is cheating. Bearing that in mind, videotape yourself having sex with their parent, sibling, best friend, or all at the same time. Over the entire duration of the tape, scream in ecstasy about how lousy your boyfriend/girlfriend is in bed. Then, carelessly leave the tape lying by the VCR. Title it something provocative, like an insult to your mate or compliment about their relative/friend's ass.

So, they've hung on this long, huh? This calls for desperate measures, and I assure you, they'll work.

While they're away at work or something, pawn away everything they own. When they learn of this, explain to them that you needed your crack. This is the perfect time to caress their face or something and move your hand to any piece of jewelry they're wearing.

Start following them - everywhere. Write down everything they do in a notebook you leave lying around for them to find. If you see anyone talk to them, regardless of their gender, kick their ass.

Develop a relationship with one of their coworkers and make it obvious. Make sure they see you kissing and groping. Yes, this delves back into the cheating section, but seeing it in the flesh is far worse than seeing it on videotape.

Take them to friend's houses for dinner and laugh about how they cry themselves to sleep and wet the bed.

If all this fails, kill someone they hate and frame them for the murder. Testify against them at the trial to make sure it's over.

And now, you are free. You can start bathing again, you can make yourself presentable again and you can stop being an asshole/stalker/murderer. But most importantly, you can date again! I hope this little piece of tripe I've written has helped you end your relationship. Good luck!