Mixing with Vanilla

So, now we know the where, when and who, which leads us to the how. This is where it gets tricky.

Remember that being a dominant is truly not simply about getting compliance from a partner. It's about making that partner feel good about willingly giving that power over to you. Or, put another way, as my own mantra always goes, healthy power exchange always trades responsibility and accountability for that power exchanged.

Don't you wish politics reflected a bit more of that world view?

How that applies in this instance is that a submissive inclination manifests most easily in a secure social space; that structure and intimate trust that we keep describing a dominant as building consistently over time with his efforts and discipline. As they say, after all, respect must be earned. And that's what this process is all about.

What you want to do to start carrying the burden of responsibility for how this little block of time that you're sharing. As I've said, this period isn't only for the submissive's benefit, but for the dominant to get their feet wet, and accustom to the peculiar mindset.

It will feel really alien at first. We've been conditioned by our culture to prefer to treat social time in a mutually collaborative sort of way, and if things don't go well, it's nobody's fault. Here, in this space you're making, you are making the decisions, you are providing the initiative, and if things don't go well, it's on you alone. So you want to ease yourself into this mindset for short periods.

You also want to do it gently. One of the problems that many people experience when trying out their dominant side is failing to consider the level of confidence you need to demonstrate to carry it smoothly. As a result, they need to 'psych themselves up' to be more assertive. And that often leads to some clumsy communication.

You want to start out by communicating. Instead of focusing on being assertive and confident, focus on demonstrating both initiative and care. Bring up your plan in the context of something that you'd like to do or that you think would be fun for both of you, and then ask what they think.

That latter part often throws people too. They don't associate being dominant with asking for feelings or opinions. And in fact, this is somewhat delicate. On one hand, it's vital that you're constantly mindful of their feelings and reactions, and visibly demonstrating that their inclinations, preferences, and nature are playing a significant role in your decision making process. On the other hand, you have to insulate them from feeling at all responsible for the decisions that you make based on that information.

Taking a common example that I've heard many submissive peoples complain about their partners in, let's say you're a dominant setting up a date night. You might say, "Let's go out for dinner. What sort of food are you hungry for?" Saying "Let's" allows them to feel they can offer more feedback than something like, "We're going out," but it still gives them the feeling that you are owning the idea that they can participate in. Similarly, by asking, "What are you hungry for?" you're leaving the sort of feedback they want to give as open as possible, rather than giving them a checklist of types of food they have to choose from, or multiple choice lists of restaurants. All of those questions delegate choice and therefore power back to your partner.

So the dominant wants to know what time to plan it for. He'll say, "I'll make reservations. Can you be ready for six thirty?" With the making the reservations, he's stepping up, showing initiative and leadership, and making himself easy to follow. Then he's giving an avenue for feedback, but not asking for them to choose a time. He comes up with the time and lets them respond how they will, and maybe saying 'Then how about seven?' if it's insufficient. Also, if you notice, this example gets clever as it verbally changes asking what time they can be ready into offering a way to participate productively in the evening the dominant is planning; 'Can you be ready by six thirty?'

You want to conduct communication in that way for most of the evening. The fine art of leading a conversation is an art you can develop similarly. You want to strike a balance between offering your thoughts and disclosing about yourself, asking about their thoughts, and demonstrating recognition, respect, empathy for how they reply. You essentially introduce topics and thoughts and allow them to respond. The point is to make them feel engaged without feeling like they have a particular role that needs to be filled in the conversation.

That is the crux of what you're doing in your communication as a dominant. In every other social venue, we're constantly responding to vague social cues and puzzling out how we might be expected to respond. As much as possible, what a dominant wants to do is to make any expectations that will affect a submissive crystal clear to them, or else removing the concern and consequences entirely in conscious, deliberate fashion. However, we're just starting out, here, so we're only exercising that exchange of responsibility in simple, easy, and carefully selected ways.

Some at this point might observe that what we're doesn't seem very dominant, more resembling the behavior they might expect from a submissive. It's true; we're not actually asking for much from the submissive at this point. But we are asking for one very significant thing. We're asking them to try to enjoy participating in an exchange that we're controlling. And once they become comfortable and even desirous of that sort of space, we can begin giving them way in which to participate more actively. But that participation will be under our active direction.

Maybe into this dinner date night, instead of carrying everything yourself, as the dominant, you might ask them to get your coats while you pay the bill, or wait while you get the car. Maybe you can ask them to run into a convenience store while you wait outside with the engine running or some little 'favors' at your direction.

The thing to keep in mind is to make these requests on them be under your initiative. Never expect them to figure out what you want on their own at this stage. And never, ever show dismay on them not anticipating some wish of yours. If they do something you don't prefer, or fail to do something that you want, this is where you step up and take accountability and responsibility for your wishes.

That is another thing many dominants discover discomfort with at this stage. You have to learn at this point to begin asking for things because you want or prefer them and for no other reason. We often tend to do otherwise. If we want something, we justify why it's reasonable, explain why we want it or how it's better than the alternative. But right here is where you begin to step up and say what you want.

Maybe on your second date night you might ask your partner to wear an outfit that you like because you like it. When you might that request, it's vital that you own it that way. It has to be because it will make you happy, with no other reason or justification.

This can lead to the tricky situation of them potentially refusing your request. This is another delicate point that I want to explain carefully. You are not at the stage where you can start attaching consequences to their obedience of these wishes. You cannot act petulant or hurt or any of those other passive aggressive behaviors that we employ in a relationship to avoid taking direct responsibility for our requests.

So what do you do? You move on. You continue taking accountability and responsibility for keeping the evening pleasant. What this will create is the partner realizing that they were given an opportunity to contribute to the evening being special for you, and declined. If you're doing it right, this will bother them and they will probably adjust their behavior moving ahead.

Let's say, for example, you ask your partner to wear those shoes you like out to dinner, and they say, "Oh, no, I'd really prefer to wear something more comfortable." Roll with that. Make it fine for you, smile for real and say okay. If it helps, they're still participating actively in your time and requests, even if it's not in that one way, so do your best not to let that little hiccup disrupt your momentum. And by all means, avoid any sort of passive aggressive, petulant, plaintive, mopey behavior. What you are doing is slowly moving power exchange into the open, and if you resort to subtly trying to influence them, you're only sabotaging your own efforts.

Often, sensing their missed opportunity to contribute, they'll negotiate. They'll say 'What about those other shoes' or 'what about the hat you like?' It's equally important to not allow this. Smile and encourage them to make the choices they like. Often they will go back and change their mind on their own. That's fine, but what you want to discourage is them feeling that negotiating and equivocating is viable. Power exchange is a tricky thing, and often the people who need it most will have such vulnerability to the feeling that they'll test it thoroughly before trusting it. So you want to make it clear through your actions that when you make a request of them, it's not opening a door for them to take power back by negotiating, equivocating, or arguing. They're free to comply or to not comply, but compliance is the exclusive means of obtaining the optimum reward of your gratitude in that one instance.

If the issue inflates to a point where it threatens smooth forward progress in the evening, which is a very real possibility if they do have a profoundly submissive drive, you do have an alternative. You must decline all alternatives they offer, but you can offer another of your own. Maybe those shoes really are very uncomfortable but they do want to please you. In this instance, bring up another alternative thing you enjoy; maybe the perfume you enjoy them wearing.

Yes, there is a lot to consider and keep track of, and it's very different from the relaxed mode of social interaction that we're used to. You have to be attentive and controlled while anticipating and planning ahead. I've often described being a dominant as being like those old vaudeville performers that used to spin plates on little pegs. You have a lot of plates to keep spinning. But trust me, the rewards are worth it, and when you get it right, you feel like James Bond.

That's how we start; with the basics. Next time I'll cover how to progress that situation as your partner begins to respond.