Men and Suspicious Wives

How do we survive having an affair, keep our worlds very separate, no-one is above being busted. These are the stories of what not to do.

"Harriet, Delete the old number. Got a new cell." Why? "It died".

This is a man who has two phones, one for his work or family and the other is for fun. The second phone is a means to being able to arrange sex outside marriage, oh we all do it.

'That's suspicious ' I reply just for a giggle.

"Yes so where others." What? I finally understand this texting language. Oh lord, he has been busted, 'by whom' "Family and work" Oh lord oh lord now that's a double whammy.

I've known this man for over 6 years and his emails always bounce with the thrill of life. Today there is none.

He is not the first person who's life has been turned upside down from some stupid error in a solitary moment.

But that's no consolation to someone who's been caught with a lover.

Infidelity is a risky game.

For eight years Sebastian had been having an affair with his wife's best friend. His lover's husband was often overseas so they fuck in her bed, breaking every taboo.

It began after the alcohol was running low at some highfalutin business dinner when unexpectedly Jane began to lower her shirt exposing just a hint of a nipple.

From then they both knew that they would be having sex and it began on a hot afternoon when she rang him swimming naked in her pool, he was beside her before he could consider the options.

Eight years of lust went by as his wife and lover grew ever closer.

This day he had slipped over to Jane's home for a quickie before the plan was for the two couples to meet and jointly go to some gallery opening.

Sebastian and his lover Jane rushed to pick up his wife, giggling together. Walking into the lounge room the air froze. His wife's head was down, Jane's husband was almost in tears, gone were the smiles. Busted.

In the next moment Sebastian considered his future walking the streets.

Through the tears and accusations he'd discovered he'd left his computer on exposing a lover's email to the eyes of a jealous wife. His children both argued for their parents to separate but brokenhearted they both worked hard to learn trust.

Two years later he turned up at my apartments with a new lover, but a wall of secrecy has sprung up around his sexual liaisons.

We are all so connected its easy to find sex outside marriage, but harder to hide it.

"It's a while since we talked, and I have to make that permanent. I have jeopardized my marriage and our communication must stop if I am to re-build that."

It was an email from an older lover I kept in contact with, he was worth it, funny, jovial and very naughty. As time had passed we had connected on LinkedIn. To my surprise just days before I received his final email his wife had viewed my profile. Busted!

Its only when the evidence is slapped in your face that many wives or husbands accept the truth, accept something in the marriage is horribly wrong.

As an old friend who has been having affairs since two, maybe three, weeks after his marriage once confided "I've never been busted." How? "Plausible deniability". His wife doesn't want to believe, so concocts any explanation for his disappearances and all that lipstick on his shirts.

There are some of us who love the thrill, the risk, the escape when meeting a lover and few of us calculate the risk of betrayal.

As I lay beside John, a tall lanky preacher man with lily white skin I broached the subject, does your wife have any idea that you play. "Yes". The answer didn't quite hit the right file as I froze unsure what that meant. After a long painful silence he told the story.

For 25 years he was the devoted husband, church goer, provider, and father. For the last 19 years sex with his wife had been difficult. "She'd freeze every time I touched her. She make me jump through hoops 'be more romantic' or 'mow the lawn, paint the house, rewire the fish tank' anything and I'd do it all. When I thought I'd whipped myself enough she lie still waiting for me to 'get it over with' and afterwards; I felt nothing but guilt."

After a health scare John began to re-evaluate his life and one thing was left that he needed to do: have sex and lots of it.

This night he planned to indulge a woman who had access to a friend's apartment not too far from where he lived. Being a thoroughly tactile man he held her hand and opened the door a restaurant and who was coming out at that moment, his eldest daughter.

In tears she insisted that he confess the affair to his wife. Busted and a marriage over.

For some lucky men there is the opportunity to recover after infidelity, for others its time to start a new life and for the rest its a lesson in being very very careful.