It's How They Say It

Author's disclaimer: I consider myself an amateur. Except for the rare times I'm told to write something for work, I am an unpaid author/poet/scriptwriter. What follow are my suggestions for fellow writers who feel their conversations could use some spice.

Author's warning: Vulgar language and explicit lesbian sex within!

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This guide is my attempt to provide some tips for livelier, smoother, and more readable passages of dialogue and conversation. The comparisons I made in the course of writing this guide are often meant simply to illustrate differences, not to suggest superiority or inferiority. I've organized this guide in a "situation-original-modified" format. Some of these situations have more than one possible modification.

01) Using multiple punctuation marks

We've all seen this kind of passage, I'm certain. It turns off many readers, but we have a few alternatives we can choose.

Original: "She looks like she's in her early twenties!!!!" Lydia protested. "Are you sure she's your mother??!! How could she be??? She's smoking hot!!!!"

David said, "Did you just say my mom's hot??? Tell me you didn't!!!!!"

--The most obvious change is to cut the number of marks and tone down the excitement.

Modification A: "She looks like she's in her early twenties!" Lydia protested. "Are you sure she's your mother? How could she be? She's smoking hot."

David said, "Did you just say my mom's hot? Tell me you didn't!"

--But supposing you're trying to build that excitement as high as you can--what then? Another way to change this passage is to mix and match your verbs and your punctuation.

Modification B: "She looks like she's in her early twenties! Are you sure she's your mother? How could she be?" Lydia exclaimed. "She's smoking hot!"

David gaped. "Did you just say my mom's hot? Tell me you didn't!"

--You've used question marks, highlighting the characters' disbelief. But you've used the words "exclaimed" and "gaped," highlighting the characters' energy. Readers tend to expect punctuation to agree with verbs. Mixing and matching can get them more interested in your conversation.

02) Using "said" all the time

Especially when characters are talking to expose the story, there will be times when conversations seem very plain.

Original: "Christine started it," said Sharise.

"Christine stole your panties first, I know. You didn't have to escalate it," said Colette.

"I think I did. She wouldn't learn otherwise," said Sharise.

"So you had to throw all her clothes in the pool and leave her locked in fuzzy handcuffs, secured to the handle of the poolroom door? That seems extreme," said Colette.

"I didn't know it was 'Bring Your Strap-On to Practice Day' for the swim team," said Sharise.

"You would have done it anyway," said Colette.

"...Yeah," said Sharise.

"That's why I have to give you a spanking with this hairbrush. Take off your shorts," said Colette.

--There are several ways to change this passage. One thing to do is to change the order of the words.

Modification A: "Christine started it," said Sharise.

"Christine stole your panties first, I know. You didn't have to escalate it," said Colette.

Sharise said, "I think I did. She wouldn't learn otherwise."

"So you had to throw all her clothes in the pool and leave her locked in fuzzy handcuffs, secured to the handle of the poolroom door? That seems extreme," said Colette.

"I didn't know it was 'Bring Your Strap-On to Practice Day' for the swim team," said Sharise.

Colette said, "You would have done it anyway."

"...Yeah," said Sharise.

"That's why I have to give you a spanking with this hairbrush. Take off your shorts," said Colette.

--If the passage is a dialogue (and this one is) you can simply skip the mention of the speaker once you've established the rhythm of the conversation.

Modification B: "Christine started it," said Sharise.

"Christine stole your panties first, I know. You didn't have to escalate it," said Colette.

"I think I did. She wouldn't learn otherwise."

"So you had to throw all her clothes in the pool and leave her locked in fuzzy handcuffs, secured to the handle of the poolroom door? That seems extreme."

"I didn't know it was 'Bring Your Strap-On to Practice Day' for the swim team," said Sharise.

"You would have done it anyway," said Colette.

"...Yeah."

"That's why I have to give you a spanking with this hairbrush. Take off your shorts."

--Some authors also like to use more specific verbs and verb phrases instead of "said." The problems that often arise when using this method are that it gets redundant fast and that it can disrupt the flow of the conversation. That's a good segue to the next topic, actually.

03) Using so many descriptive words (verbs, adjectives, and adverbs in particular) that the conversation gets buried

At times, the action of the story will be intense and the characters' emotions will be strong. You're the author; your emotions are bound to be strong while you're writing these passages.

Original: "There were supposed to be other people watching the exits!" Toria fumed. "What the hell happened to my backup, huh?" Her cheeks were red; her eyebrows scrunched her eyes to angry slits; her voice shook with tension.

Agent Sinclair let her hand stray toward the grip of her .40 caliber service handgun. "There were supposed to be others," she muttered. She lowered her voice to just above a harsh whisper and continued, "If they aren't here, something must have gone wrong." Her tone was carefully adjusted not to show her fear, but some anxiety slipped into her voice.

Glancing around as though she thought even the coconut palms might be listening, Toria inquired, "Is it likely that there's a serious problem? I was really just complaining about having to do all the work myself."

Gulping back her nerves, Agent Sinclair nodded. "I know you met Chaz and Jay Jr.," she said, practically hissing. "And I know they seemed like featherbrains to you, but that's how they act when there's a chance they might be overheard." Agent Sinclair looked over her shoulder. Looking back at Toria, she said solemnly, "They're actually consummate professionals. I fear the worst." Hearing the ominous pronouncement, Toria felt a chill run along her spine.

--The conversation can often carry the mood in these situations. Cutting down on descriptive words outside the speech can make the speech's impact stronger and the writer will be able to ratchet up the intensity more easily if necessary.

Modification: "There were supposed to be other people watching the exits!" Toria said. "What the hell happened to my backup, huh?"

Agent Sinclair let her hand stray toward her gun. "There were supposed to be others. If they aren't here, something must have gone wrong." There was some anxiety into her voice.

Glancing around as though she thought even the coconut palms might be listening, Toria asked, "Is it likely that there's a serious problem? I was really just complaining about having to do all the work myself."

Agent Sinclair nodded. "I know you met Chaz and Jay Jr. And I know they seemed like featherbrains to you, but that's how they act when there's a chance they might be overheard. They're actually consummate professionals. I fear the worst." Toria felt a chill run along her spine.

04) Your characters don't talk the way people do in real life

This situation is one of the most difficult for me personally. Usually, I read through the conversation I've written and discover that my conversation is full of long paragraphs and it stays perfectly on topic. Breaking up the conversation tends to make it sound more believable; people like to interrupt, and on some level, speakers like to be interrupted during long talks. The interruptions tell them that the audience is engaged and the pauses let them organize what they want to say next.

Original: Kalani took the offered seat and told Maia her story. "I was only 16 when I got that tattoo. It's not legal to get one at that age in the U.S., but it is in Thailand. That's where I lived for three years. One of my high school friends talked me into getting one with her. When Step-mom found out, she grounded me for a month.

"But I hadn't even started to feel the repercussions of that dumb decision. Every time I went to the beach, people saw it on my lower back. People have preconceived notions of how a girl with a back tat is going to act, of course. They are called 'tramp stamps,' after all. I got so sick of guys thinking I'd be an easy lay and calling me a bitch when I wasn't that I started wearing one-piece swimsuits.

"When I got back to the States, I had the same problem, and it was tougher to deal with. The fashion was tight low-rise pants and crop tops, so everyone could see my back. On top of that, no one--and I mean no one--wore one-pieces to the beach. I started wearing two-pieces again, and getting a lot of shit about my tattoo."

"How about getting it removed?" Maia asked.

"Too expensive for me," said Kalani. "But even if it wasn't, I wouldn't do it. There would still be scars. Everyone who saw would still know I'd had a tattoo just above my ass at some time. Hell, most people would probably respect me even less if I removed it. They'd think I'd been a slut when I'd gotten it but I'd reformed when I'd become a single mom or gotten a particularly nasty STD or something like that. Turning the tattoo I have into something different would be less expensive than removal, but it wouldn't help with the basic problem."

--One way to change this clunky block of speech would be to simply break it up with questions and observations from the other party.

Modification A: Kalani took the offered seat and told Maia her story. "I was only 16 when I got that tattoo. It's not legal to get one at that age in the U.S., but it is in Thailand."

"Yes, I remember you said you used to live there," said Maia. "Were you an exchange student?"

"My step-mom got sent there for work and the family went with her. We lived there for three years. One of my high school friends talked me into getting one with her. When Step-mom found out, she grounded me for a month."

"I'm kind of surprised it was only a month," Maia said.

"Yeah--and I hadn't even started to feel the repercussions of that dumb decision. Every time I went to the beach, people saw it on my lower back. People have preconceived notions of how a girl with a back tat is going to act, of course. They are called 'tramp stamps,' after all."

Maia made a face. "I can imagine," she said.

Kalani said, "I got so sick of guys thinking I'd be an easy lay and calling me a bitch when I wasn't that I started wearing one-piece swimsuits.

"When I got back to the States, I had the same problem, and it was tougher to deal with. The fashion was tight low-rise pants and crop tops, so everyone could see my back. On top of that, no one--and I mean no one--wore one-pieces to the beach."

"Except for girls five years old and under."

"You're right. Naturally, I started wearing two-pieces again, and getting a lot of shit about my tattoo."

"How about getting it removed?" Maia asked.

"Too expensive for me," said Kalani. "But even if it wasn't, I wouldn't do it. There would still be scars. Everyone who saw would still know I'd had a tattoo just above my ass at some time. Hell, most people would probably respect me even less if I removed it. They'd think I'd been a slut when I'd gotten it but I'd reformed when I'd become a single mom or gotten a particularly nasty STD or something like that."

Maia asked, "What about disguising it?"

"Wouldn't work," said Kalani. "Turning the tat into something different would be less expensive than removal, but it wouldn't help with the basic problem."

--Another way to change the long blocks of single-person speech would be to have the listener disagree or disapprove at times. Of course, this shouldn't be done if it doesn't fit the character of the listener. Also, the disagreement needs to be minor if it is important to you as the writer to keep the story moving along but you want the main speaker to finish the whole story because it is important to the plot or the character.

Modification B: Kalani took the offered seat and told Maia her story. "I was only 16 when I got that tattoo. It's not legal to get one at that age in the U.S., but it is in Thailand."

"Yes, I remember you said you used to live there," said Maia. "Were you an exchange student?"

"My step-mom got sent there for work and the family went with her. We lived there for three years. One of my high school friends talked me into getting one with her. When Step-mom found out, she grounded me for a month."

"You didn't ask permission? Shit, I would have grounded you longer! Your step-mom must be pretty cool," Maia said.

"Bite me! Anyway, I hadn't even started to feel the repercussions of my dumb decision. Every time I went to the beach, people saw it on my lower back. People have preconceived notions of how a girl with a back tat is going to act, of course. They are called 'tramp stamps,' after all."

Maia shook her head. "I feel for you, but you should've seen that coming, huh?" she asked.

Kalani said, "I was 16, Miss Perfect! I made a mistake. I paid for it, too: I got sick of guys thinking I'd be an easy lay and calling me a bitch when I wasn't that I started wearing one-piece swimsuits.

"When I got back to the States, I had the same problem, and it was tougher to deal with. The fashion was tight low-rise pants and crop tops, so everyone could see my back. On top of that, no one--and I mean no one--wore one-pieces to the beach."

"So peer pressure kicked your butt again."

"I was the new girl in the group. I wonder how you'd have done in my place? So I wore two-pieces and got a lot of shit about my tattoo, same as before."

"How about getting it removed?" Maia asked.

"Too expensive for me," said Kalani. "But even if it wasn't, I wouldn't do it. There would still be scars. Everyone who saw would still know I'd had a tattoo just above my ass at some time. Hell, most people would probably respect me even less if I removed it. They'd think I'd been a slut when I'd gotten it but I'd reformed when I'd become a single mom or gotten a particularly nasty STD or something like that."

Maia asked, "There must be some solution! What about disguising it?"

"Wouldn't work," said Kalani. "Turning the tat into something different would be less expensive than removal, but it wouldn't help with the basic problem."

05) What about when the characters stutter, mumble, groan, sigh, etc.?

As with descriptions inserted into the conversation, it can be easy to overdo the changes in a character's voice when she or he is startled, sleepy, aroused, etc. To much distortion can confuse a reader as well. Less can be more in these cases.

Original: Mrs. Park-Robison let the video play.

"Ooooooh, yessss!" yelled Jeannette's recorded voice. "Your tongue's soooo fucking goooood! Eat me, you whoooore! I fucking love youuuuuuuuu!"

Mrs. Park-Robison said calmly, "Would you care to explain this, Superintendent?"

Dr. O'Dell licked her dry lips with her drier tongue. "I-I'm not sure h-h-how it h-h-h-happened," she said. "I was g-getting a book f-f-from the t-top shelf; I f-fell off the ladder; and m-my mouth someh-h-how l-l-landed on your n-niece's pussy."

--To deal with awkward bits of conversation like these, more specific verbs can often help. (For example, changing "yelled" to "moaned" suggests the long vowel sounds, changing "said" to "stammered" suggests the difficulty of clearly speaking the consonants.)

Modification A: Mrs. Park-Robison let the video play.

"Oh, yes!" moaned Jeannette's recorded voice. "Your tongue's so fucking good! Eat me, you whore! I fucking love you!"

Mrs. Park-Robison said calmly, "Would you care to explain this, Superintendent?"

Dr. O'Dell licked her dry lips with her drier tongue. "I'm not sure how it happened," she stammered. "I was getting a book from the top shelf; I fell off the ladder; and my mouth somehow landed on your niece's pussy."

--Or the verbs could be left the way are, but the sounds themselves could be described.

Modification B: Mrs. Park-Robison let the video play.

"Oh, yes!" yelled Jeannette's recorded voice, her deep breathing drawing out the vowel sounds. "Your tongue's so fucking good! Eat me, you whore! I fucking love you!"

Mrs. Park-Robison said calmly, "Would you care to explain this, Superintendent?"

Dr. O'Dell licked her dry lips with her drier tongue. "I'm not sure how it happened," she said. She tripped over some of her words in her nervousness. "I was getting a book from the top shelf; I fell off the ladder; and my mouth somehow landed on your niece's pussy."

--In both modifications, the exact sounds are left for the reader to imagine for herself/himself. The minds of the readers will make these sounds at least as convincing as they would have been if the original passage had been used.

-* I hope these tactics will help you write conversations that you and your readers enjoy! *-

Final Note: Comments, votes, favorites, and other forms of feedback are greatly appreciated!

-* The End *-

Final Note: Comments, votes, favorites, and other forms of feedback are greatly appreciated!