I Pushed My Pud Up Her Poop Chute

Would a penis by any other name smell as sweet? Hi, I'm Quint. You may remember me from such exciting articles as "Proper Tuning and Maintenance of Your Pet Editor" and "Domming for Dummies: Get That Bitch Back in the Kitchen." A quick glance through the naughty section of your local thesaurus demonstrates that there are lots of words for fucking, and even more words for the parts involved in fucking. As an author, it is your right, your responsibility, nay, your civic duty to be informed of these words so that you may call upon them in your time of need. Seriously, a quick story may get by with the same nouns performing the same action...but it's considerably more interesting if you play with the vocabulary.

The purpose of today's How-To can be summarized in two words: "connotation" and "context." Words all have a particular flavor. That's connotation. "Voluptuous" and "obese" both mean there's a little extra cushion for the pushin, but which one is the hero going to use to describe the heroine without getting slapped? It's important to be able to identify the flavor of a word before using it. Why does this matter? Characterization is one reason. By opting for a word with a particular connotation, you provide information about how the character thinks and talks. A virginal princess is not going to command the first male she's ever seen in her tower, "Ram me with your hot dick, honey!" It's just not consistent. Likewise, it's unlikely that Average Biker Joe Hunglikeahorse will coo, "Baby, let me get in that sweet yoni of yours." Not all words were created equal, my friend. Knowing when to use them is "context."

The other reason relates to your story as a whole. Think of writing as cooking. I know this disqualifies the college students in the audience but bear with me. We've got the basic idea of the story we want to create. We know the characters. Now let's give them a flavor. Is it sweet? Is it salty? How about your story? How does the word choice of each character positively and/or negatively affect the total piece? (Hint: a lot!) An otherwise-restrained woman could say the most nasty things imaginable after her lover has worked her up for pages. But I'd better believe she's that worked up before I am convinced she'd actually say that. (That's a topic for another How-To, so we'll leave it at that.)

In the interest of devoted Litsters everywhere, I have compiled a list of popular anatomical parts and briefly discussed the connotations of each word, as well as provided examples of characters who would probably say those words in certain situations. I've broken up this article into the following sections: the "Salt" groups consist of words that go in almost any situation. The "Oregano" groups consist of words that have a more specific context, such as dialect nouns. These words will work beautifully to enhance the flavor of certain recipes but might completely clash in others. Finally, the "Peanut Butter and Pickle" groups are the groups of words that almost never work. These nouns should be used as sparingly as possible, and the majority of your audience will probably thank you for using them never at all. Yes, I have heard of "different strokes" but honestly, "wang?" "WANG?" I rest my case. This article is not definitive, nor is it gospel truth. However, hopefully it will provide some guidance as you embark on that wacky adventure we call writing.

I.) Male genitalia

a.) Salt

1.) Cock—A good basic. Not too vulgar, not too pretty.

2.) Penis—Slightly more scientific but doesn't bring back memories of high school biology so it fits the bill.

3.) Shaft—Less robust than "cock," this provides a pleasant change of vocabulary mid-story but I'd recommend not relying exclusively on it.

4.) Balls—The noun of choice for testicles, in my opinion. The majority of stories I read incorporate it; the majority of characters can say or think it with a straight face.

b.) Oregano

1.) Dick—Cruder than "cock," this is a term which is best used deliberately for shock value or to emphasize just how horny that meek little housewife has become. Less of the romance, more of the wham-bam.

2.) Manhood—Exactly the opposite of "dick." This is a term that feels like peeking under the sheet and blushing to see what's concealed beneath. An inexperienced girl might think about her lover's manhood; a couple that has just been through a traumatic experience and needs to feel each other's closeness to heal might use manhood rather than a more obscene noun that might break the tender mood.

3.) Prick—It's not just for Brits anymore! But it is still mostly found where the damn Limeys hang out. I enjoy it as a change of pace.

4.) Tool—Again, probably not one an author should rely on as their most-used noun, but it could fit into certain characters. Who would say this? Brainstorm. (And in the next edition of Highlights, what is that wacky Goofus up to now?)

5.) Python, nuts and other nature words—Not to be used lightly! Be very aware of whose voice you're writing in and who you are writing for. Take these on a case-by-case basis.

c.) Peanut butter and pickles

1.) Schlong—Words that evoke images of middle school? Generally to be avoided.

2.) Wang—If it isn't immediately preceded by Vera, I'm not going any further in that story.

3.) Pud—Adam Sandler: funny guy with an unsexy vocabulary.

4.) Dong—Although it's a popular term when perusing sex toys, it sounds just a little too silly to be taken seriously as an anatomical term, don't you think?

II.) Female genitalia

a.) Salt

1.) Pussy—Seems to be the safest, most common term. Works for most audiences.

2.) Slit—From an outside perspective, this is fairly accurate. Does anyone else think of a paper-cut when you read it? That's my only problem with it.

3.) Clit—As far as the clitoris is concerned, go wild with this term. I'd shy away from cutesy variants like "clitty" unless the character is...shall we say, illegally aged. Oops! Gave too much away!

(Red lights flash, alarms blare, and security officials break through the door and force the offending story out stage left in handcuffs.)

In other words, stick to the basic.

b.) Oregano

1.) Cunt—Analogous to "pussy" as "dick" is to "cock," from what I've read and heard. In other words, use for the nasty kinda fucking and not so much for the smoochies.

2.) Honeypot—Although I would personally never write this word into a story, I have seen it used to varying degrees of effectiveness. Again, think of your character. Think of their situation. Think of your audience. Is this the best choice?

3.) Quim—If you're writing a story with otherwise American English and insert this word, it will stick out like a sore thumb. UK exclusive.

4.) Vagina—Unlike "penis," this DOES seem to bring you back to Mr. Barry stammering slightly as the pointer follows the fallopian tubes down the uterus and into the vagina. In the heat of the moment, this could make the reader go cold. Be careful.

5.) Button—As an alternate to "clit," this is pretty good. Functionality decreases sharply when the word "love" comes right before it.

6.) Cavern, pearl and other nature words—Repeat warning from I.b.5. And is it really flattering for a woman to have a cavern between her thighs? For real, girl. Kegels.

c.) Peanut butter and pickles

1.) Twat

2.) Cooter

3.) Poon, aka poontang

4.) Snatch—I really only have one thing to say for all of these: if you have some way of making them fit into a story effectively, if it's truly what the character would say at that moment, and if you don't mind the flack you will be receiving from your readers, go ahead and use these. Otherwise, there are plenty of great choices available.

III.) Breastseses

a.) Salt

1.) Breasts—Unfortunately, this seems to be the only true stock noun that fits with almost any situation. Fortunately, most stories don't focus on the breast as anything but foreplay, so chances are you won't be using the term so much that it gets tedious and demands a change. Fits from medical situations to the most erotically-charged ones.

2.) Nipples—Oldie but a goodie.

b.) Oregano

1.) Tits—For some characters and audiences, this is too crude and almost childish. For others, it's wildly sexy. Make it fit or opt for something else.

2.) Boobs—Not one that I personally find sexy, since I use this in non-erotic context. However, there are characters that might think with this word instead of "breasts," and there really does need to be another option when you've already used "breasts" 50 times and "tits" is just a little too hardcore for your story.

3.) Bosom—As in "heaving." Remember: bosom is singular, referring to both breasts. You don't have bosoms. Well, especially if you're a guy. This is a pretty tame, domestic sort of noun.

c.) Peanut butter and pickles

1.) Mammaries—Too scientific.

2.) Udders—Too bestial.

3.) Funbags, jumblies, yabbos, hoohoos, boobies, and basically any other funny word you can conceive of. Just say no. On the same note...

4.) Melons and other edibles—Unlike the nature words for I and II, I have yet to receive feedback from anyone saying that these sorts of words are remotely sexy or usable in any logical context. Yes, there is a shortage of good words for breasts. Deal. Don't resort to food or funny words if there is ANY other option available or unless you're trying to make a point.

IV.) Buttocks and all the fun contained therein

a.) Salt

1.) Ass—The only situations I see this not working in are the "exaggerated innocence" scenes where the character simply doesn't think of himself/herself in such slang, crude terms. Since those are rather special cases, this seems to be a good stock noun. Also excellent as a euphemism for "asshole," since it seems to apply to both the internal and external areas of one's backside, as in "Fuck my ass!"

2.) Butt—Although a little more playful or perhaps childish than "ass," it works in basically the same situations.

b.) Oregano

1.) Anus—Too scientific for some; nevertheless, you can't mistake it for anything else and a variety of characters would use it.

2.) Asshole—The rough-n-tumble cousin of "anus," this is a more vulgar choice for more vulgar people and situations. I say that with all affection.

3.) Arse—If your character is not British, they almost certainly wouldn't use this term.

4.) Bum—See above. I think it's cute and wouldn't get aroused reading it, but I'm not in the target audience.

5.) Starfish—"Heehee, 'starfish.' How cute." If that wasn't the reaction you wanted in a reader, you might want to consider changing the noun.

6.) Rosebud—The funniest thing I ever read here was this Scary Dominate Master referring to his little obedient slavesubslut licking his "rosebud." That is the best example I have of context being brutally ignored. I could never take him seriously again. Let him be an example to you all.

7.) Sphincter—Be careful, lest ye fall into the perils of junior high mental association.

8.) Bowels—Works for some, turns others completely off. Pretty hardcore, either way.

9.) Butthole—In a zesty moment, I would probably not be turned off by this term. But I might. Watch where and when you use it and again, make sure it fits the user.

c.) Peanut butter and pickles

1.) Poop-chute, Hershey Highway and other references to excretion—You have a very small audience if you choose to work with these terms. If scat is not your niche, I strongly advise you reconsider.

I don't want to present the impression that my personal choice in nouns is or should be everyone's. However, after reading lots of smut—oh god, the neverending stream of smut—and receiving comments, suggestions, and other feedback, I believe that my understanding of the connotations people's minds instinctively supply for certain nouns is pretty accurate. And conscientious writers try to choose the best word for each situation to create the most effective, evocative piece of smut possible. By being aware of the flavor of the word you're considering and the respective flavors of the characters, scene, and story, you will be better able to create a thoroughly delicious piece of smut. And that's something we all want.