How To Pick Up Women Like Musicians

I'm writing this for three reasons.

1. I grew up singing and playing guitar, bass, piano, sax and flute. And before you ask-Yes, I picked up girls while playing flute-so I know what I'm talking about.

2. I've slept with a number of women and I met virtually every single one of them (including my wife and my ex-wives) when I was in a band. In all honesty I don't have a good frame of reference for picking up women any other way. That may give you pause and make you wonder-"Does this guy know what he's talking about?" Don't worry. It's not just about me.

3. I think the title sounds cool.

Whether you're a musician or not, I think the techniques I'm going to tell you about can work if you apply yourself.

If you're a musician you have huge advantages over most guys when it comes to picking up women. Musicians are cool. I'm not cool, but a lot of musicians are cool and you have women's attention. In fact, if you're good, you have lots of women paying attention to you. There's a good chance she already likes something about you. If she didn't, she'd be watching some other guy in some other club, but she's not. She's watching you.

That gives you a leg up toward getting a woman's legs up. So at this stage you have a little less work to do. You just have to make your move and avoid doing anything stupid. (I didn't say there was no work involved, just that some of the heavy lifting was already done.)

You also have the image advantage whether you're a wild party animal or sensitive artist. You never know what will work in your favor. So, if you're a musician, you're probably not having trouble picking up girls. It sounds easy doesn't it? Well it is. As a matter of fact, if you play in a band and you can't pick up girls, put this down right now. You're too big a wuss for me to waste my time on. Go on. Put this down and walk away. Go on. Get out of here. Good. Now that they're gone, here's my advice for the rest of you guys.

Picking up a girl is a challenge. We don't want to get rejected and we don't know what to say. We're awkward and tongue-tied and we have to face the distinct probability that we will not have any female companionship.

Before I get too far along, let me tell you something that's important for you to remember. You're going to get rejected. It's going to happen. Just take it and move on. So when (not if -- when) you get rejected, accept the rebuff politely and go find another girl. There are plenty out more there.

There might even be a girl who wants to console you after your public humiliation. Remember-pity sex is just as physically satisfying and takes much less effort on your part. Since you've been shot down and made to feel inadequate, you can expect your partner to spend a considerable amount of time stroking your ego (among other things) to make you feel better. Don't let one rejection define who you are or what you do. Getting a girl is a matter of playing the odds.

For example, I wear my hair long. I know from a survey done in the nineties (which I have no qualms about quoting despite the dubious accuracy of my memory) only 50% of women like men with long hair. That means half the women I hit on are likely to reject me because of that. I also read that about two thirds of women don't like men with beards. That whittles me down to a pitiful 16-17%. Along with that there are women who don't like curly, blonde hair or quiet, sensitive guys. Those probably each cut the possibilities in half again. That means at best only about 4% of women will find me attractive and 96% won't. It's depressing to look at that way. But that means that in a bar with 100 women, four want to find a guy like me to do unspeakably kinky and disgusting things with. Woo-hoo!

To be successful, you have to be able to talk to women. If you're shy, don't try to conquer it. Trust me, you'll never conquer it, just resign yourself to being shy and find a way to deal with it. Find a way to be shy and still talk to a girl. For example: I have a buddy who is painfully shy around new people. He told me that he feels more comfortable sitting at home sketching and painting than going out. So I asked why he didn't do both? Why not go out and find a cool place to hang out and sketch the people or things he sees. I think what he does is impressive whether he draws a girl on a cocktail napkin or on an easel. And I've seen him score more than once sketching a pretty girl he wanted to meet.

Another buddy of mine is a songwriter (actually a lot of my buddies are songwriters). He often sits and works on new song ideas in cafes and parks. Though most people find it odd to hear a guy humming to himself, every now and there's a girl who's curious enough to ask him what he's doing. That won't get him all the way around the bases, but at least he gets to take a swing.

There's a guy I know whose favorite things are photography and beer. I suggested he photograph the things he likes - wildlife, concerts, sports or whatever. Any girl he met doing that would like the same things he does. He told me he liked renaissance fairs. When I heard that, I thought he'd be living in his mother's garage for rest of his life. But that's not what happened. He started going to renaissance fairs and photographing everything and everyone. The beer wench that he met there changed his life. They've been happily married for years now. You should see the outfit he wore for the wedding. There's nothing in the world like the sight of a 6'3" 300-plus pound guy in purple velvet and tights carrying a broadsword. The thing is, she thinks he's hot. And she is hot. Plus she always has beer.

Find a creative way to cope with your shyness and/or fear of rejection. Then you've got to figure out what to say to separate a woman from her clothing and make her willing to be separate from her clothing with you. It's hard enough to talk to someone you don't know. It's even harder to get past the talking and get into the nasty, sweaty, crazy sex. (Hold on a second, I got a visual image here...oh yeah...okay)

Charm and humor often work, but you have to be careful. Sweet, funny, charming guys can fall into the most terrifying of traps in male-female relationships. It's one that's easy to get into but like a Chinese finger puzzle it's incredibly difficult to get out of. (If you don't think living with one of those things is tough, try typing with no index fingers for a while-see how you like it.)

The great relationship trap is being 'a friend'. Of course what's worse than being a friend is being a 'good friend'. Beyond that is the dreaded status of 'best friend' or 'just like one of the girls'. If you end up there just have yourself neutered and forget about it.

Strangely enough, women want the man that they share their life with to be their best friend. But best friends don't have sex. To that I say, "Welcome to marriage." (My wife doesn't think that's funny at all-in fact she says that just cost me a chance of getting lucky tonight. When I pointed out that she just proved my point, it didn't help. She didn't think that was funny either.) I figured something out though. The trick is to have sex precede the best friend status so you're not doomed to it forever. You have to go through the lust and love to find friendship at the end. Don't worry about it, don't attempt to decipher a hiding meaning or agenda, just acknowledge it and move on.

Overwhelmingly women list a good sense of humor as being a man's most attractive quality. Men, either we are far less physically appealing than we think, or laughing stimulates a woman's libido in some unfathomable way. I know this must be a fact because funny, ugly guys get beautiful women. It's true. If you don't believe me check out the wives of guys like Rodney Dangerfield, Chris Rock or Jerry Seinfeld. Let's face it, nobody's out buying those guys' swimsuit calendars.

Other qualities women find attractive are money and power. Hence the success with women that is enjoyed by men the likes of Donald Trump and Henry Kissinger. (No swimsuit calendars from these guys either.) The problem with these attributes is that you have to orchestrate a military coup in a foreign country, throw around huge wads of cash or fire someone in public. None of these is a good idea because they tend to make a scene. So, what do you say to pick up a woman? Well, I've seen a few unique approaches and I'd like to share them with you.

DISCLAIMER

The following is a list of ways to approach women. In no way do I guarantee that these methods will work or that you should try them. Just because some guy you've never met before (that would be me) writes about someone who allegedly got lucky using one of them (that would be my friends) doesn't mean that any of them will work for you. Please use these tips responsibly and always have a wingman available to take you home, to the ER or post bail as needed.

END OF DISCLAIMER

The Big Question

A keyboard player I knew like to approach a woman when she was with a group of her friends. Though making a move while she's got someone there to help her kick your ass is inherently dangerous and ill advised, he used it to his favor. He was able to approach a girl while she felt safe and had her guard down. He would choose a woman and walk up to say hello. If she were even mildly interested, he would then ask her to marry him.

Though they almost always said no, he got a good laugh (see attractive qualities listed above) just about every time. After she said no, he would ask her out for dinner or coffee. Compared to matrimony, neither was too big of a commitment. If that didn't work he could play the pity card of having his heart broken by the rejection. A few times he ended up with one of her friends instead of the girl he proposed to because she felt sorry for him. (You can refer back to my earlier comments on pity sex to see how that paid off if you need to.)

It did backfire a few times though. Twice women said yes and put him on the spot. The first time he was unprepared and thrown completely off his game. It was fun to watch because he completely lost it and eventually one of us had to go help him get away. The second time the girl was a bit crazy and ready to do it. That led to weeks of her following him around until the restraining order took effect.

The third time was both hilarious and catastrophic. He saw a girl who looked like she needed a good laugh so he took a shot. It was obvious he'd messed up when she started to cry hysterically. For some reason, being reminded she'd been left at the altar that afternoon didn't amuse her. The bridesmaids-to-be who were consoling her descended on him in a fury. It was quite a sight. I laughed so hard I spilled my beer.

The Card Trick

A drummer I worked with for years had a technique he used quite effectively in its day. Though it won't work today in a world full of cell phones, before pay phones went extinct it was quite effective and clever. He called it 'the card trick'. He had a business card printed with nothing but his first name and a phone number on it. Then he had slots cut in it to hold a coin to cover the cost of the phone call. Part of what makes this work is that it's extremely simple and open to interpretation on the woman's part. If they're from out of town you can give them a tour of the city, escort them to cocktail party, or offer assistance if they're in trouble. If they're interested, attracted, intrigued, horny or amused you may get lucky.

It also gives them control of the situation, forcing them to make the first move. Doing that takes a tremendous amount of pressure off you. It lessens the chance of rejection to virtually none. Plus the girl who is bold enough to call is probably bold enough to do other more interesting things without too much persuasion. You do have to be willing to postpone your immediate personal sexual gratification.

You also have to be careful. It's an open-ended thing. You may get a call from a girl long after you've forgotten who she is, after she's been through a terrible breakup, just got out of rehab, or (god-forbid) when she needs reassurance that she's still attractive.

Please remember to never put your full name or home phone number on the card because that's the kind of information lunatics use to hunt you down.

No Nonsense

One of the most daring ways to pick up women that I've ever seen was used by a guitarist I knew. He was a no nonsense, let's not waste our time, go for the gusto kind of guy. (He was also kind of a dumb ass, but I'm not sure if that's relevant.) When he saw a woman he liked he never stopped to figure out what kind of mood she was in.

He never worried about whether she was looking for company or she wanted to be left alone. He never even bothered to check if she was with someone else. He just walked right up to her and asked, "Do you want to fuck?" No - Hello, how are you? May I buy you a drink? What's your sign? Do you come here often? - Or any of that bullshit for him. He wanted to get laid and he wanted to find someone who was ready to do it.

As strange as it sounds, he was very successful. Don't get me wrong. It failed plenty of times. I saw him get kicked, slapped, doused with a drink, and worse. I once saw a woman knock him unconscious with a pitcher of beer. He was lucky she did it. If she hadn't clipped him, her boyfriend would have done worse. Fortunately, when my friend went down, her boyfriend was laughing too hard to do anything. If your target woman is looking for sex for its own sake, this can work, but I don't recommend it unless you have a high pain threshold and good health insurance.

A Radical Idea

Which approach is best? You have to figure that out. I'm not as conniving or brutally honest as my idiot friends so my favorite technique is to tell the truth. It's a radical idea, but it works. When I saw someone I was interested in, I'd ask a woman if I could talk to her for a moment. I'd tell her I wanted to find out if she was as attractive on the inside as she was on the outside. It made it difficult for a woman to say something ugly in response. If she did, they proved to me and everyone else in ear shot that her beauty was only skin deep.

If I found a woman so attractive that I didn't know what to say, I walked up and told her so. In one instance I saw a blonde so stunning I was at a loss for words. I walked up and told her that when I saw her I wanted to meet her, but I was at a loss for words. I introduced myself to her and all her friends at the table. Then I explained that I just wanted to say hello because I thought she was so devastatingly beautiful that she left me speechless. After explaining that, I excused myself and begged their pardon for my interrupting their evening. An hour later she was sitting on my face telling me how much she liked me too. That was a fun night.

Women appreciate a sincere compliment but they can detect bullshit from miles away. So if you choose this method it can work, but only if you're honest. I've been told that my self-depreciating manner makes me less threatening, and the vulnerability is charming. Since I'm already explained my inability to express myself I can get off easy. If I'm not invited to join them, I can deliver the compliment and walk away. That gives us both an easy way out. If she's interested, she'll have to help me get the conversation going so I can sit back and let her talk. It worked very, very well.

I tried other methods and some of them worked, but not as well. For me honesty really is the best policy. Since women rarely hear it from men, it probably throws them off guard. I don't know and I don't care. All I know is that it got me laid and I didn't have to lie to anyone.

More Good Advice

So there's no simple, clear answer of what to say. DUH. If it were easy you wouldn't be reading this. It takes thought and planning on your part. But don't over think it. If you plan or practice too much, you'll look rehearsed and come off swarmy. Let it be natural and relaxed. I know you're not relaxed there's an easy answer to that: take a deep breath, let it out slowly and then pretend you're someone way cooler than you really are.

Keep in mind when you get rejected that only one girl has refused you. There are others out there. As I explained earlier, picking up women is a matter of percentages. You've got to roll the dice enough times to come up a winner. When I was out there trying to get laid I always did the same thing. I started by approaching the hottest unattached girl in the room. If I scored, great, if not, I could always work my down.

Learn to read a woman's body language, it can tell you so much about her. I've watched people interact and learned a lot that way. Pay attention. You can read people if you practice. To pick up women, you've got to figure out what to say while not having a clue about what's going on in her head. Short of inventing a device to read minds, you're left with trying to interpret what they want by observation alone. This can get tricky. You see, there's a fine line between 'checking somebody out' and the steely-eyed stare of a wacko. It probably goes without saying but just in case-DON'T CROSS THAT LINE. When you go too far, there's no going back.

If you're lucky while you're checking somebody out, they're checking you out too. That's a wonderful and rare event. One night when it happened to me I pointed it out to the girl in question. I said it seemed like we were attracted to one another. When she said that was true, I mentioned how rare that was and that we should celebrate it. We celebrated twice that night and once more the next morning before she left for work.

But remember, when you're checking a woman out you have to determine a couple of things. Is she approachable? Many have misread the signs and ended up slinking away after being rejected. If a woman is approachable, what does she want? While women think this is not important to know ahead of time, we know better. Few men are out there trying to pick up a new friend. Men want sex. Even if a woman is approachable, figuring out what you can say to get her into bed with you can be difficult. Even then there's no such thing as a sure thing. Let me give you an example.

I met a beautiful girl at a party one night and after a number of drinks, some lively conversation and a bit of making out in a dark corner, she asked me if I'd like to go somewhere more private. Taking this as a sign that sex was imminent, I eagerly agreed. We went back to her place and soon we were enthusiastically groping each other on her bed. During a break in what I assumed was pre-coital fondling, she asked me what I now know was an important question. At the time I didn't realize its significance because I was horny and the blood had rushed out of my head into another part of my anatomy. I wasn't thinking clearly. I tried to be funny and glib and said the first thing that came to mind -- which was the truth. That was when I screwed up.

She asked, "If I let you stay tonight, will you still respect me in the morning?"

Like a fool I said, "I barely know you and I'm already in your bed. What makes you think I respect you now?"

Moments later as I stood shivering in the cold outside her door looking for my car keys, I realized where it had gone wrong for me. I had told the truth.

It should be obvious by now that I don't know any more about this than you. So just go find a girl who looks nice and say hello. If it goes any further, good for you. If not, find another girl and try again. Good luck. You're going to need it. Oh, and if you can play guitar or sing, that'll make it easier.