How to Eep Elephants...

If you have never had an elephant in your yard, you may not be aware of the damage they can do. The footprints they leave will literally ruin your garden or lawn, and if you think your dog leaves a big mess when he does his business, boy are you wrong! So, to keep your yard safe from these pesky pachyderms, follow the steps below, and I guarantee your yard will remain elephant free.

When you first lease or purchase a new home, the first thing you should do is take a trip to the local nursery to purchase as many elephant ear plants as you can. Plant these about two to three feet apart around the entire perimeter of your yard, inside the fence line if possible. (Some people used to think that elephant ear plants would attract elephants, but when they see a bunch of disembodied ears lying around, it tends to deter them.)

When they are all planted, you must mark your territory. In most instances, masturbating on the leaves works the best, because rain cannot wash the scent away as easily as urine. Both the male and female of the house may share this task, as elephants are repulsed by the scent of both sexes. If you have an unusually big yard, and you have friends who would be willing to help you out, enlist them. If not, drink plenty of fluids to keep yourself hydrated, because you have a big job ahead of you.

The next step is to buy a couple of dozen white mice from the pet store. Place each one in its own clear jar, making sure to give them air holes, and put them aside until later.

When the sun is just about to set, take the mice to your main driveway and put them in a circle big enough that two people can comfortably lie between them. Light twelve candles and have sex as loud and nasty as you can, christening your new home. (If you are single, see if you can find someone who is willing to have a one-night stand, and if not, you can always pay someone for it).

When you are finished, you can set the mice free if you wish, or keep them as pets. Whatever you do, don't kill them, or the elephants may come in your yard just to thank you for your kindness.

To deter bull elephants from your yard, this next step is very important. For at least two weeks after you move in, every time the male of the house goes outside, he should proudly display his trunk to show that this yard is his domain. The erect position seems to work the best from my research, as it points up and sways more like an elephant's this way. If the male is not very well endowed, or there is no male available, a strap-on dildo also works well. (Elephants are always comparing trunk size, so the larger the display, the better it works.)

Female elephants are much easier to trick than the males. To keep them off of your lawn, you must place diapers, bottles, or anything that has to do with babies in the trees and bushes around your yard. Elephants hate anything to do with being pregnant or having babies. (If you had to be pregnant for two years, and then give birth to a four hundred pound baby, you probably wouldn't like it either.)

The final step you must take to keep the elephants away is the most important one of all. On the night of the first full moon that you reside in your home, all adults in the house must perform this ritual.

First, take off all of your clothes and run around the yard squeaking like a mouse for several minutes. Next, when you have caught your breath, take an elephant tusk (or something that resembles one), and circle the perimeter of your property five times. As you go, use the elephant tusk to sodomize each other. When you are finished, I guarantee no elephant will ever come into your yard. (If you saw someone sticking an elephant tusk up someone else's ass, would you want to visit him or her?)

With all of the tasks complete, you should never have a problem, because as you know, an elephant never forgets. What you may not know is that they also tell all of their friends which yards to avoid. The down side of these rituals is that your neighbors may think you are insane and not want to associate with you, at least until an elephant tears up their yard. Then you can share your knowledge with them, and you will be life long friends. I know this works, because I have never had an elephant in my yard, ever.