How To Get Chicks Into Porn

You know the story by now: Your girlfriend or wife just happens to be cleaning your den or one of your private rooms and she "accidentally" finds your hidden stash of X-rated movies. Of course, she gets all pissed off and belligerent and tells you to get rid of all your beloved porno videos. Sometimes she even gives you an ultimatum: "Either the videos go or I go!" And guess what usually goes (hint: it's not the girl!)?

But sometimes, with a little coaxing (and a lot of luck!), you may be able to talk her into watching at least one blue movie with you to see whether or not you can get her into watching--and perhaps even liking--porn movies hopefully as much as you're into watching--and liking--them. That way not only can you keep from having to throw them out but maybe even from time to time enjoy watching one with your wife or girlfriend.

However, before you pop that video into the VCR, there are some things that you should take into consideration. I mean, you can't just have her watch any old porn movie, especially if the woman in your life has been raised to believe that all pornography is "degrading towards women" and/or she only has sex with you "whenever she feels like it" with all the lights in the bedroom turned off and she only lets you do it in the missionary position. If this is the case, as it infuriately is with a number of women in this sex-negative society, then a video like The Girls Of Splash Mountain: California Cocksuckers 3 is usually not a good choice for a woman's first X-rated viewing experience. You need to be a bit more selective in choosing a video for her to watch with you since, after all, the video that you choose for her to watch may very well be the deciding factor as to whether or not she stays with your perverted ass (if you don't do her bidding and throw out your video collection, that is!)!

First of all, there are some porn actors and even porn actresses you might want to avoid. In the actor category, two actors you should avoid like the plague are Max "Hardcore" Steiner and Ron "Hedgehog" Jeremy. Max Steiner first appeared in more "mainstream" porno fare--like, for instance, the film Oral Obsession where he has a rather intense anal sex scene with porn starlet Vixxxen--before releasing his own videos through his company Filmwest Productions under the moniker Max Hardcore. Mad Max is often so rough with the actresses he has sex with on camera that many porn actresses refuse to work with him. He literally stretches pussies and assholes to their limit before he pounds the women's asses with his cock as hard as he can and then comes loads on their faces. Sometimes he even simulates rape scenes in his videos. They're not real rape scenes, of course, but they're "realistic" enough to not only scare your woman off but make her file a restraining order on you!

As for Ron Jeremy, well, they don't call him "Hedgehog" for nothing! Other porn actors you might want to steer clear of are Italian porn stud Rocco Siffredi and the late John "14-inch" Holmes. The reason why is because these two men are--on, in Holmes' case, were--much more, shall we say, blessed than the average male. One of the newer porn actors who fits this category, and yet another one you might wish to avoid, is Julian who is so well-endowed that, in the first scene of the film Sex Commandos, he gets jerked off by "plumper" porn actress Stacy Valentine who is able to wrap both her hands around his massive schlong and still have enough room for her to deep throat the head of his cock. (And do I have to say anything about the black porn actors?) Remember, the goal here is to get your lover turned on but not make yourself feel inadequate to her in the process.

In the actress category, three women you might want to avoid at all costs are the so-called gang bang queens Annabelle Chong, Jasmin St. Claire and Houston. These ladies--and I, of course, use the term "ladies" loosely--made a slutty name for themselves in the porn industry by appearing in the World's Biggest Gang Bang video series. Annabelle appeared in the first one by doing 251 guys in one day, Jasmin appeared in the second one by doing 300 guys and Houston appeared in the third one by doing 550 guys after initially planning on doing only a mere 500. In fact, it might by a good idea if you avoid anything with the words "gang" or "bang" anywhere in the title (along with midgets, clowns, freaks, etc., etc.)! Jasmin St. Claire, I think I should point out, also starred in the X-rated video classic Blow It Out Your Ass! where, in the movie, she literally shoots fire out of her asshole. Not exactly what you'd call a good date movie, if you know what I mean! Other porn actresses to avoid include Chloe Nicholle who normally goes by the name Chloe in her movies.

Chloe's done probably just about every nasty, filthy and downright demented sex act imaginable on camera (which is, of course, why we guys love her so much!). For instance, Chloe hosted and starred in the movie The Fist, The Whole Fist & Nothing But The Fist where, among other things, she takes a foot and two fists in her pussy at the same time. In her award-winning "drama" titled, appropriately enough, Chloe: The Story Of A Sex Addict, Chloe gets smeared with fried eggs, gets anally penetrated with an antenna from a cordless phone and gets fucked with a beer bottle. Again, not a very good date movie. Chloe, as most porn connoisseurs know, is most noted for her intense anal sex scenes and facial cumshots and especially for her boasts of not "faking" anything on camera.

Yet another porn starlet to avoid is the notorious Mila, who stars in the Ass Artist video series where she stuffs enema bags filled with watercolor paint into her colon and then shoots them out of her ass onto a canvas. Mila is known in the porn world for being able to turn her asshole inside out, which she does quite frequently in her movies. And, even in films where she doesn't, Mila, like Chloe, is still known for her depraved sex scenes; like, for instance, in the Vivid Video release Another Man's Wife where Mila gets double-fisted in both her pussy and asshole at the same time by porn actor Tony Tedeschi. Not exactly the type of thing you'd want your girl to see in an X-rated video with you the first time out, especially if it's the first one she's ever seen.

As for other videos to avoid, be wary of any video put out by any company called Angel (e.g. Erotic Angel, Elegant Angel and Evil Angel). Though they may have the word "angel" in their company title, the videos they release are anything but angelic! Evil Angel, for example, distributes videos produced by HIV-positive porn star John "Buttman" Stagliano where women are not only routinely fucked in the ass--hence the name Buttman--but are also slapped and spat upon. Elegant Angel distributes videos produced by highly depraved porn director Rob Black who directs movies like Gangbang Angels where Eurasian porn starlet Stephanie Swift gets spit on by a group of males and, in the movie's climatic moment, licks the hairy bunghole of Ron "Hedgehog" Jeremy. Erotic Angel, likewise, releases similar-themed videos.

Another type of video to avoid is the so-called gonzo video. These videos feature little plot and a whole lot of sex, usually of the depraved and kinky variety. A perfect example of this kind of video would be any video directed by highly twisted "gang bang" director John T. Bone, such as Perverted: The Babysitters Vol. 1 where, in the first scene alone, a young blonde-headed tramp with freckles and wearing pigtails gets gang banged by nearly half-a-dozen porn studs dressed in diapers and wearing bibs like babies who take turns reaming her in the ass while she sits on porn actor Peter North's well-endowed cock before they lay her upside-down over a chair and shoot their wads all over her face. Yet another type of video to avoid is the "all-girl" or "girl/girl" video. It's all right if there's a girl/girl scene in the video you select for your lady to watch since, of course, about 99.9 1/2% of all porn movies feature at least one lesbian scene and can also appeal to her "bicurious" side (which all women seem to have, by the way, whether they'd care to admit it or not!).

But, if you make her watch one of these videos, she might just make you watch a gay male video out of sheer spite. So, unless you're a little bicurious yourself, I don't think this is a chance you'd want to take, do you? Still yet another type of video to avoid is any video that has a young-looking girl on the box cover. And by young-looking I mean girls who look like they've just graduated from high school (or maybe even still in high school!). These kinds of videos include the My First Time, Dirty Debutantes (directed by and starring pasty-faced, eyeglass-wearing, middle-aged Ed Powers), Cherry Poppers (directed by Gen X porn auteur Matt Zane), and, my own personal favorites, the Kelly The Coed (starring Britney Spears look-a-like Allysin Chaynes) video series. Guys, don't let those innocent smiles on the box covers fool you. These young ladies--and, again, I use the term "ladies" loosely--do things in these movies that you only dreamt about in high school (and a few things you didn't!).

And, lastly, the final type of video to avoid in choosing one for your sweetie to watch is what I call the "big boob" video. Here are some examples of big boob videos (actual titles of actual videos): Booby Prize, Mammary Lane, Gazongo, Bodacious Ta-Tas, you get the picture. Also avoid big-boobed porn actresses with names like Whitney Wonders, Wendy Whoppers and Letha Weapons. As you might've guessed, those aren't their Christian names! Anyway, just like you don't want to feel inadequate to her, she definitely doesn't want to feel inadequate to you. A good rule of thumb is if the actress on the box has noticeably bigger tits than your woman, then don't make her watch it, all right, guys? (Another good rule of thumb is to fast-forward through all those phone-sex ads at the beginning of every video before letting your woman see them since they a lot of times show stuff that's a lot kinkier than the actual content of the video!)

Now that I've told you what kinds of videos to avoid, here is a list of videos that are what I call "female friendly": Practically any video released by the aforementioned Vivid Video, a company that specializes in what they call "full-length films for couples", is usually a safe bet. Of course, they do occasionally release more raunchier videos, like the one starring Mila I mentioned earlier, and especially videos released under their Vivid Raw and even Hustler imprints. (While I certainly have nothing against Hustler, some women don't, uh-hum, appreciate Hustler the way most men do. So it might be a good idea to wait and show her these videos if and when she gets off on the milder stuff, okay, fellas?)

Here I would suggest a Vivid film like Borderline (starring the gorgeous Celeste and the small-breasted Missy) and Trapped (starring the kinky Kobe Tai and the equally insatiable Julie Rage). While these films do have the occasional anal sex scene and facial cumshot (and let's not forget the lesbian scene!), the actresses who perform in these scenes don't act like they're having a seizure, a la Chloe, and they don't look like they're having the life reamed out of them, a la Max Hardcore. And, most importantly, none of these films feature Ron Jeremy (no offense, Hedgehog!).

There are also a number of "female-oriented" blue movies that are directed by women that aren't as graphic as other porn vids. The most notable of these female directors is probably ex-porn star Candida Royalle who directs and releases her own films like One Size Fits All through her company Femme. But, be warned, just because a video is directed by a woman doesn't make it "safe" for your woman to watch (think Chloe Nicolle, who also directs her own porn movies, and you'll see what I'm getting at!). Other X-rated films I would suggest for female viewing are the classic porn films, circa the seventies and eighties (except, of course, for classic films like Deep Throat and Debbie Does Dallas, for obvious reasons!). These films featured more realistic-looking women--and realistic-looking men, except, of course, for John Holmes!--and even the sex was more realistic and spontaneous (or, at least, it was made to appear that way!).

A perfect example of these kinds of films would be Insatiable parts I & II starring the legendary Marilyn Chambers (who has since returned to doing X-rated films after a long hiatus, by the way). Released back in the early-eighties, both these films have not only gone on to become million sellers but seem to be loved by both men and women.

For instance, I was watching Marilyn Chambers being interviewed on this call-in TV talk show one night and this woman called the show and told Marilyn how much she "enjoyed" these films. Even Marilyn herself stated on the same show that she occasionally masturbated to the infamous "pool scene" where she's having sex with a stud--supposedly for the first time--on top of a pool table that was so hot it was featured in both movies! Now whenever a porn actress admits to jilling off to her own movie, you know it's got to be good! (The first Insatiable, I feel I should point out, features a cameo by John Holmes in the last sex scene of the movie where he sticks his 14-inch rod into the ass of Marilyn Chambers. But I think in this case an exception can be made, don't you?)

Well, there you have it, my suggestions for what movies to select--and, of course, which ones to avoid--if you want to get your significant other interested in porn. Of course, there are lots of women out there who openly admit to getting off on porn, including the raunchy stuff. In fact, a number of statistics and polls show that nearly 50% of all people who rent and/or buy porno videos are in fact women. However, as there are women who actually like pornography, there are still a good many women nowadays who wouldn't admit to liking porn or watching it even if you had a gun pointed at their head.

But, guys, don't despair; if your current girlfriend insists she hates porn no matter what and leaves you because you won't stop looking at it and getting off on it. You could very well find a woman who'll like porn even as much as you do, perhaps even more so! And if, in fact, you do find such a woman, consider yourself blessed.