How To Enjoy Fantastic Sex

Let's face it: sex can range from rape and violent or drug induced physical domination to the self-pleasures of masturbation. The difference between routine once or twice-a-week or month, plain vanilla sex (which is still pretty good) and fantastic sex is almost all in your mind. Certainly it's not for everyone, even within a good, long-term relationship. But, with a willing, trusting, spontaneous and unselfish partner it is surely worth striving for. Obviously, not every sexual experience will qualify as fantastic, but even winning ball players think batting 300 is pretty good. Fantastic sex may not be a lifelong lifestyle, but even a few experiences should make it worthwhile for you. Be aware that this article is not about how to pick up girls or boys. It's aimed at people who are already in a relationship and who want to make it more exciting and rewarding.

The following suggestions are not exclusive or even comprehensive. Mostly they're not original. But they touch many of the bases. More important, they can be learned and taught. Some of these suggestions may reflect my male point of view.

Some of the ingredients are absolutely necessary. Some of the ingredients are optional (desirable but not absolutely necessary). A liberal dose of Love (with a capital L) can make the whole cake even tastier. But sex can still be fantastic even without the long-term commitment of love.

One word of caution: The game of FANTASY prescribes agreement on a set of words that give both partners a sense of safety and control. The expression 'green light' signals that everything is going okay or that it's okay to keep going or move ahead. 'Yellow light' tells your partner that you have questions about how things are going and that it may be time to discuss the situation. 'Red light' signals that everything should stop immediately. This will allow a partner to say 'No' or 'Stop' or 'Don't' as part of the game (of spanking, for instance), or to heighten sensations, without stopping the action. After discussion of the situation, a green light may get things going again.

* Basic ingredients:

Find a willing partner.

The reality is: you can't have fantastic sex by yourself (despite Woody Allen's comment that, 'I was the best I ever had'.) The partner should be physically attractive to you and he/she should be able and willing to share fantasies with you and work to fulfill them.

Start with a fantasy.

Probably everyone over the age of ten or twelve has enjoyed sexual fantasies. The secret of fantastic sex starts with designing a fantasy that you and your partner can get excited about. In some ways it's like scripting a play or a movie. Each of you has one or more roles to play. The script doesn't need to be too tight so long as everyone involved has a strong sense of who their character is and how they are expected to behave.

Of course, websites like Literotica, can be a treasure trove of ideas for your fantasies. And erotic movie sites can give you lots of examples of what others are doing.

Have a goal for each experience.

Setting goals shouldn't become a burden, but it will be helpful for lots of people to determine what you expect to do, and how you will know if you are succeeding, when you start experimenting and adventuring.

Take the time.

When you have your 'scipt' in mind, commit sufficient time in your schedule to do justice to the production. You can always start out with a mini-production to be completed in a couple of hours. But allow yourself the flexibility to expand the scenario if the action invites such an expansion.

Have a place.

In town, out of town, in your bedroom, in a bar or hotel lobby, even in a make-believe office or on a train or plane. It's your fantasy. Put it where you want it so long as the location is affordable and satisfying. Remember: it's a fantasy. Back seat sex may have been fun, but with all the anxieties it was not always fantastic.

Maintain your heath.

It stands to reason that sex will be more fun if both of you are in decent shape. Not many fantasies focus on sloppy fat, short-winded or drunk or drugged-out lovers.

* Give more than you get--Partner's pleasure comes first

Look back at those words: willing, trusting, spontaneous and unselfish. They apply to you as much as to your partner. If both of you are striving to give more than you get, you can't possibly lose. Learning what excites and pleases your partner-and helping to provide that experience-will also open new doors for your own growth and pleasure.

Giving more than you get will also help you avoid the disappointments of exploitation that mar many relationships.

* Discover what turns your lover on

We'll talk more about 'talking,' but sometimes the best ways to discover what turns your lover on are by asking and discussing and exploring. Trying a variety of things helps. Reading romances or porn, and watching movies may help. Talking with friends about their experiences can work for some people.

* Discover what turns you on

What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. You need to be open and adventurous in sharing your own preferences and in discovering new turn on's. It's essentially a matter of telling your partner what you'd like to try. Or like them to try. Even stores like Borders or Barnes and Noble have shelves full of illustrated books showing a variety of positions lovers can enjoy. The right words are always a turn on.

* Never say 'no'--Be spontaneous

If you're going for the whole enchilada you have to learn to say "yes" to almost anything that isn't physically or mentally painful or criminal. The fact that you haven't done something before shouldn't be an excuse for not trying it now. The possibility that some anonymous "they" might not approve can't be allowed to stand in your way, especially if your activities are conducted in private. Discretion and common sense precautions should be practiced, especially where others outside the partnership are involved. There's not much to be gained by taking unnecessary chances with strangers or potentially dangerous equipment or activities or drugs.

* Lovemaking should be fun for everyone

Fantastic sex will never be a chore though it may sometimes be physically exhausting. At times the learning process may be awkward, but if a particular activity never becomes enjoyable for both partners, look for another turn on. If it's not fun for everyone it's not fantastic.

* Don't let jealousy spoil things

There may be times when jealousy is justified, but it is always likely to get in the way of fantastic sex. If you and your partner can't trust each other enough to set ground rules you can both live with then you probably need to find another field of adventure like sky diving.

* No surprises

Surprises may be a great way to celebrate a birthday or some other special occasion. And there are some surprises than can make for fantastic sex. But there are some other surprises that are guaranteed to make for rough sailing on the seas of fantastic sex.

Don't share your infections with your lover

There's absolutely no fun in sexually transmitted diseases. If you have a SID take yourself out of the game until your problem is solved. Not only might you harm your partner, but you may be committing a crime. And when the word gets out that you're so thoughtless, you'll find it hard to get back into the game with quality partners.

No pregnancies, please

With the availability of condoms and birth control measures, why take a chance on pregnancy? If you're in the market for babies, sex can still be fantastic but its nature will change over time.

Careful with commitments

Until you're ready to make a commitment don't depend on lies. Find a partner who can join you in the spirit of fun and growth rather than long-term death-do-us-part commitment. 'Fantasy Sex' can allow you the freedom to say or promise anything you want to heighten your partner's enjoyment within the script with the understanding that it all turns to smoke an hour after the stage lights go out and you part.

Never kiss and tell

Unless you're pimping your partners, there's no excuse (and no need) to tell others about your/their physical superiority or your adventures. If you decide to get into group activities, this may change.

* Watch your language-praise, flattery, domination, subservience

Remember that fantastic sex is largely a matter of seduction. Words are a major ingredient in that equation. If your partner likes dirty talk, fine, but don't let your language turn them off. The point is for both of you to relish the experience, so cater to their desires and make them feel better than good. Telling each other what you want and what you enjoy is paramount. Making your partner feel appreciated is good form and usually very rewarding. Unless you're a mime or a deaf mute, silent sex is not likely to be fantastic sex.

* Don't be a cherry picker---Forget beginners

Despite all the fantasies about finding a virgin, most newcomers are pretty nervous about the whole thing. And this makes for awkwardness or clumsiness and embarrassment. If you find yourself in a relationship with a virgin, go strong on foreplay, verbal and otherwise. Finding someone who wants to expand their somewhat limited horizons can be much more rewarding than a relationship with someone who has no horizons to expand.

* Variety is the spice of love-

Millions of marriages and other relationships, even in this enlightened age, are mired in sameness. Months and years of the missionary position with no variations are designed to give rise to headaches and boredom and a desire for change and/or variety. But attitude is still trump. If you know what excites your partner, agree on experimentation and strive to give more than you get, you don't need to sink in 'ho hum.'

Bondage

Not for everyone, but a turn on for some, male and female. It's probably not worth doing some of the things that are obviously dangerous and/or harmful to one or more of the partners but some folks do turn on when tied up.

Domination

Fun when acceptable to both but just as a spice for most. Sure, some women like to pretend they're a slut and be treated accordingly. Some men find pleasure in being treated like dogs. But how often can you give more than you get from a droid?

Sadomasochism

Unless you have a partner who really turns on to pain, this isn't likely to be a long-term appetizer on your menu. Some people do enjoy mild biting and spanking, but be sure the appetite is mutual.

Anal

While you're learning to create greater enjoyment, anal may be worth a try. Again, if both partners enjoy it, fine. Kisses and tongues and fingers in the anal area can heighten pleasure for both partners. But be alert to the possibility that what one man enjoys is just a pain in the ass for his partner. And don't invite infections by going from anal to vaginal without proper cleansing.

Oral

Sex without oral sensations will probably never approach the fantastic level. How can you leave out kissing? Then why leave out kisses to each other's erogenous zones? According to popular mythology, having a lover swallow his cum is a world-class turn-on for many men. The same mythology tells us that many women find great pleasure in having a partner use his/her tongue on their vaginas. For older generations, perhaps especially women, oral may be a 'turn off' rather than a 'turn on'.

Interracial

As is true of most fantastic sex, the wonder of having sex with someone of another race is mostly in the mind. Life doesn't start with interracial sex and life doesn't end if you never experience interracial sex. But if both of you have the goal of providing maximum pleasure for your partner and interracial sex is one of your fantasies, it can be as fantastic as any other. It's a worthwhile variation if you think it is. Remember you can imagine your partner is Tibetan if you want to.

Exhibitionism

Some people really get turned on by displaying their bodies in a sexual way. The fashion industry would go bust if women quit wanting to draw attention to their cleavage or their well-shaped bottoms. Flashers flaunt the law for a reason (not necessarily a healthy reason). The key to success may well be a matter of maintaining control and avoiding criminal activities. The bedroom is one good place to make the most of this appetite with seductive exposure. Group activities, where everyone is of a like mind, is another.

Voyeurism

Watching other people, your partner or others, engaging in sexual activities is a great turn on for some people. Peeping through other peoples' windows is criminal. The availability of pornography today makes it seem foolish to risk activities that might become embarrassing for one or both of you just to satisfy this appetite. Filming your own activities, with one of you in disguise is worth considering.

Taboo

Taboos such as incest and sex with someone in a dominant/subservient or forbidden status are often illegal. That doesn't keep them from providing good or even fantastic sex, but be alert to the criminal aspects which can be a damper for some. Surely you can imagine your partner is a parent or priest or boss.

Fetish

The range of fetishes is broad. The object is to discover what fetishes, if any, excite and please your partner and give them as much pleasure as you can. Once again, Literotica and films can help open your imagination to possibilities.

Homosexual

Most of these suggestions work as well in homosexual/lesbian relationships as they do in heterosexual relationships.

If you believe the common mythology, most men are turned on by watching two women make love. If your partner is interested and has a willing companion, fine. Pushing the issue may be a turn-off for your partner, but there are hundreds of porno films that may be exciting for both of you without causing your partner to feel pressured to do something they would rather avoid.

Group

Group activities may be a fertile ground for realizing fantasies. They can also be a fertile ground for all sorts of jealousies and other complications, social or legal or health related. Caution and discretion are the order of every day when you reach out to others to help make your dreams come true.

* It's all in your mind: words and looks and imagination

We'll say it again. Fantastic sex occurs when one or both of you are living out a fantasy. Once may be enough for a given fantasy, but work together to give it a fair try. Again, films and books and projections of story lines from others can all serve to feed your imagination and help structure your adventures.

* Talk, talk, talk-the ultimate aphrodisiac/foreplay

A common complaint among women, if you believe all the self-help books, is that their partners don't talk to them enough. If you want to experience fantastic sex, it's worth talking with your partner about what turns them on, what turns them off, and what you want to try. Learn to let loose of your inhibitions.

It's bound to be fruitful to give your partner all sorts of verbal encouragement and compliments before, during and after your sexual activities.

You can send non-verbal signals as well. If you want your partner to behave in a certain way, have an agreement that he/she will echo your own behavior, then do for/to them what you want them to do for/to you.

Ask for what you want with your words and your actions. And reward your partner with appreciation.

* Know the erogenous zones

Make a concerted effort to learn all the special spots that give your partner exceptional pleasure.

* Use all your senses for maximum pleasure-touch, taste, sounds/words, aromas, sights

Words are not the only verbal signals you can send. Make the most of your moans and groans and gasps.

Use your fingers and tongue to excite your partner in any way you can. Caressing, kissing, licking, biting, tonguing all have a place.

Use seductive settings (candles, romantic music, the sound of the ocean, exciting or pleasing aromas, flavored douches) to stimulate your senses and your partner's senses. Movies can also serve to make the adventure more fantastic.

Bon appetite!