How To Buy Your First Sex Toy

You're of majority and now you're just plain and bloody well sick of using that electric toothbrush as a sexual object. Let's face it: bristly spinning brushes are not intended to be objects of lust and mysterious desires of the flesh. You want pleasure, and you want it

now

. And now that you're all warmed up, your fingers just aren't going to cut it anymore. You need something bigger, something better, something that has twelve different speeds of vibration and wiggling pink appendages, something that's jelly-coated and squishy and ejaculates lubricant into your moist and waiting pussy as it pulses in beat to the tune of your iPod and makes you a sandwich.

You need satisfaction and you need it fucking NOW!

Except maybe with a few less of those pulsing, squirming appendages, and a few less spikes and

oh good Lord they make things like that to go into my what?

Welcome to the real world, where there's five bazillion different brands of sex toys that stimulation all twenty-seven erogenous zones on your body all

at the same time

with spikes, bristles, wooden revolving heads, coils, and carefully applied heat, cold, liquid nitrogen and irritating techno music while Hello Kitty's head spins and vibrates to stimulate your ass. You can get them in any color of the rainbow, in fifty-seven interesting unknown chemical forms. Next thing you know, there's going to be a periodic table of ways to relieve horniness. "Oh, good God," I can hear you saying to yourself as you creep away from the overwhelming list of terrifying sexual stimulants.

BUT WAIT! Don't go!

I promise they won't bite you... unless of course you happen to buy

that

one.

HOW TO BUY YOUR FIRST SEX TOY —

without attempting to gouge out your own eyeballs from shock, horror, or sheer overwhelming fright, for women likely of the conservative genre, but also for anyone else who wants to buy a sex toy, or possibly just enjoys a bit of sarcasm in their how-tos.

Step one —

Determine that you are bloody well sick and tired of whatever you're presently using for stimulation. Kitchen sink? Done that. Bathtub? Old. Spin cycle? You caught your mother's parrot doing it. Hairbrush? Toothbrush? Face scrubber? You just don't get off on looking at bristly objects attacking your pussy while you're

trying

to indulge in the common carnal practices known as masturbation. You need something sexier.

So go on. Throw out that DIY toy. Put it over there, off to the side, and come closer. This was the

easy

part.

Step two —

make sure you're financially set to buy pleasure devices. Sure, you can buy a ten dollar vibrator, but you can also buy a several hundred dollar gold plated clitoral stimulator. On one hand, quality isn't cheap. On the other hand, that's just showing off. What are you going to do, go around and brag about your new Mercedes-buzz-for-her-pleasure? If you're reading this, probably not. So go ahead, check the bank, and see how much money you have to fling around in the general direction of your crotch.

A cheap bullet stimulator can be purchased for mere dollars. Whatever your price range, there's something that will fit your needs... and in your pants. A reasonable quality toy can probably be had for under fifty dollars, and you can certainly find something workable for under a hundred. Don't throw all of your money at one really expensive toy until you know what you like.

Set aside your dollars, count up your soon-to-be-illegal-pennies and move on to step three.

Step three —

find out what you want.

I can hear you saying "oh god" to yourself right now, and that's not the good moaning in pleasure and inhuman ecstasy sort of moan I hear. That, my dear, is the moan of someone who has no bloody clue what to buy. There's so many choices! So many colors! So many weird wobbly appendages that are probably supposed to simultaneously insert themselves into your anus, clitoris, tongue, and nipples all at the same time and

not all of those are even intended to have something inserted

but due to a lack of knowledge of the female anatomy that's what the site says anyway!

But ignore all of the psycho toys for now. Maybe later you'll discover you have a fetish for male sex toys that look like they're growing fur on the outside, or that you really, really,

really

just need that strange vibrating coil with the spikes and the lock on the end in order to get off, but chances are, you'll probably be just fine with a normal toy for now.

Don't panic, don't assume that just because they actually make those you really, really need one, and get to know what's available.

Most toys for women serve one purpose: to stimulate the clitoris, which is the only part of the female body intended solely for delivering sexual pleasure. As it happens to be such a significantly wonderful addition to the female anatomy, it is your duty (and therefore that of creators of pleasure devices) to make sure it gets used as often as possible. Others stimulate the g-spot. But they have one thing in common: they vibrate. Goodbye, stress; helloooooooooo screamy, moany, thrashy orgasmic bliss!

Some sex toys don't have any fancy functions but are merely insertable for those who find a sadistic pleasure in things that look like disembodied cocks, or more likely, simply enjoy the feeling of penetration and don't have anyone around to do the penetrating. Dildos are either fashioned in the likeness of a penis, or are designed to look as non-penislike as possible. There is a vast array of available dildos in many shapes and sizes. Some are meant to stimulate the g-spot, and others are meant to fulfill every function of a penis except for the inevitable emotional attachment. When I say

vast

array, I mean extremely vast. Big heads, balls on the end, swirls, curves, knobs, bumpy ridges, massive, tiny, ejaculating, inflatable...

If you're looking to purchase a dildo rather than a vibrator it's best to look at what you currently use for self-pleasure. Bigger isn't always better. Pull out a tape measure and take some measurements! The materials are also important. Glass may look amazing but might be too hard. Silicone is one of the best materials but is often expensive, and you cannot use a silicone based lubricant with it. Cyberskin tears easily. "Jelly" is dubious and made out of unknown chemical concoctions, though it's cheap. Weigh the different options. In the end, I feel it's best to spend a bit more money for a dildo that will last a long while and is safe to insert into your body, but if you don't have the money to shell out for a silicone dildo, slip a condom on beforehand and keep the inside of your body safe!

If you will be using an insertable toy with partners, make sure that the toy can either be safely sanitized, or use a condom. Don't forget the lube!

But don't be bought in by the notion that you need penetration to feel pleasure. Most women derive most of their pleasure from clitoral abuse, and that's nothing to be ashamed of—it's perfectly normal! A rabbit will fill both the need for penetration as well as provide clitoral stimulation, but for many women, a simple bullet or egg vibrator will do the job nicely.

Examine the options. What do you want in a toy? Does it have to be whisper quiet? Rechargeable? Use only AA batteries? Waterproof? Aquamarine? Usable with a partner? Read reviews on toy review blogs to find out if the toy you're thinking of will meet your needs and do your research. Post in the Literotica forum and ask for thoughts. (Someone will tell you to buy the Hitachi Magic Wand, and not to use jelly.) A little bit of research will pay off in finding the toy that is perfect for you—I assure you exactly what you want is out there somewhere, because this is the internet. Someone's already found out that it's their fetish.

And remember: this is something personal to you. It doesn't matter what someone else thinks. Ultimately, if you find yourself absolutely lusting after a toy, go with your heart. It's going to be used on

your

girly bits, after all, not that random forum poster's, not that review blogger's, and not mine.

Step four —

so you've found the toy of your wet dreams.

Great! Now you have to go out and purchase said toy. Count up your nickels and dimes and hop down to the nearest adult shop.

Oh, wait, you can't do that? You don't have a nearby adult store, or you're too embarrassed, or one of a hundred other reasons why you can't just stop in at a shop that happens to sell enormous disembodied cocks for your pleasure? Well, that's okay. We're here on the internet for a good reason! Put your pennies in the bank and make an account with Paypal, or get a credit card, or some other method of transferring money across the interwebs and make way for the

online stores

.

These are pretty safe. No one's going to see you here, and you can easily shop around to find the best price for what you want. If you live in the States, with a bit of shopping you'll probably be able to get a good deal. Many stores offer free shipping for purchases over a certain cost, and have email newsletter deals to save even more money. If you don't want your toy now, a bit of time may pay off and save you a good amount of money!

Check out reviews for the stores. If you're feeling really distrustful, Amazon sells a wide variety of adult accessories. But most adult online shops will ship discreetly for no higher cost... just check their FAQs or shoot them an email to ask how the package will be shipped, and what will appear on your credit card statement if discretion is an issue. Adult sellers are generally quite sympathetic in regards to the need for privacy and go out of their way to make sure no one knows that innocent brown box contains a collection of techno-colored vibrating

things

.

If you live out of the States, shopping around online might be a bit more difficult. Often shipping internationally is insanely pricy, and it can be difficult to find websites that ship from your country. Most sites will ship internationally, though, and it's just a matter of finding one that will.

Toss your toy in the card, check out, and wait until it ships. Presto! Pleasure in a box, in the mail, just for you! You've bought your first sex toy, and you didn't even have to take that humiliating step of going into a porn store. Now if you can just convince that postman that this is a porno and not real life...