Guide to Having an Affair with a Married Man

This is going to be a book written from first hand experience on the ups and downs of having an affair with a married man. I will give you indications to look for in the beginning, how to cope during, and how to try to get out of the relationship. I will give examples of what I went through and the good along with the bad that goes with it. I in no way claim to be an expert on this topic, and every situation is different. This is written from my point of view. It is not to be taken as a self help book or a guide as to how to have an affair with a married man. It was written to help me move on and as a hopefully sometime comic release of everything I endured during my relationship with him. I just want it to be enjoyable reading for everyone.

Chapter 1

How To Spot the Signs

You know a married man is coming on to you if he starts talking to you more. If he smiles at you and takes more interest in you than he did in the past. If he starts touching your arm or back as he talks as if to make a deeper connection with you.

In my case, the real indicater was when he offered to give me a shoulder massage on my front porch and proceeded to also massage my back, my legs and my ass. Then he pressed himself against me to let me feel that he was enjoying it more than I expected him to. To my surprise, as uncomfortable as I was with what he was doing because he was my married next door neighbor, I also was turned on to have another man's hands touching me and obviously wanting me.

Just don't jump to conclusions though, he might just be doing it to get a reaction from you. Don't show any response at first, don't let him know what he was doing got to you. Think it through and then ask him directly before you decide what you want to do.

This might be the hardest decision you will ever make and going on impulse could be your downfall. Ask yourself if you can handle the sneaking around and the guilt.

In my case, I held him off for 2 weeks, allowing him to come to my door begging to be with me. I let him kiss me, which sent an electrical charge through my entire body that I had never felt before and he groped me almost everyday before I gave in to temptation. I decided I could handle a short term occasional fling with him. I figured I could handle the guilt of seeing his wife and talking to her. I stupidly thought that because of the situation there was no chance of getting emotionally involved.

Boy, was I wrong.

Chapter 2

Starting Up

When starting an affair with a married man, make sure the ground rules are stated outright and followed or problems can occur. This is especially important if the guy lives right next door in a row home situation.

In my case, what started out as short term, occasionally, turned into ongoing and frequent. For 3 months we had sex on the average of 2-3 times a week.

Don't ever underestimate your heart and the possibility of feelings developing for the guy.

In my case, after 3 months I was starting to look forward to seeing him as often as possible. I was disappointed when he didn't have time for me, or when his wife was off work and he couldn't come by. I realized I was getting hooked on him and decided to end the relationship before it got out of hand, or I ended up getting hurt.

Don't think ending a relationship with a guy who is having the best of both worlds is going to be an easy thing to do. Not only is it hard on you but the guy will probably not accept your decision. Be ready for what I call the "yo-yo" effect.

Chapter 3

The Yo-Yo Effect

You finally realize the relationship has to end and you tell him it's over. Don't bet on it. He will beg, cry, tell you everything he thinks you want to hear just to hold on to you. He will keep coming back as often as it takes to break down your defenses and get what he wants from you.

In my case, I tried breaking it off with him over and over again. He'd stay away anywhere from a couple of weeks to several months, then be back at my door begging me to start again. This went on for over 4 years. Each time I'd resolve to keep it ended only to give into him once again.

Don't believe a word he says. The guy will tell you anything to get his way. He will lie straight to your face and make promises he won't keep.

In my case, the guy told me "I was the best he ever had," that "I was his," that "he cared for me," and that "if his wife ever found out, he would stand up for me." My all time favorite was the ever popular "I love you." He meant none of them.

Don't even convince yourself that the wife won't find out. She will, and if she's right next door, your life will be hell from then on. You better have good self control also, because she will say anything and everything that pops into her mind when she's ripping into you. You better be prepared to act like the better person and not argue back or start a fight. You don't want to end up in jail fighting her over a lying cheater.

Chapter 4

When The Wife Finds Out

Sooner or later, no matter how careful you are, the wife will find out. Even if she knows he has cheated on her previously with other woman, it's your fault. She will come to your door or call you on the phone and say every nasty thing she can think of to you.

In my case, the wife's favorite thing to call me was "whore". She wouldn't come to my door by herself, she made him come too and stand there while she ripped into me. She would threaten me with having my kids taken away.

Don't expect him to stand up for you or defend you. He's too busy trying to figure out how to kiss her ass so she forgives him and doesn't leave him. He may even add a few nasty things to what she is saying just to make her think that you are to blame more than he is.

In my case, he would just stand there like a little puppy with his tail between his legs. The real man he is in bed disappears when he's standing next to her. He acts like a little boy who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He would follow her cue and say to me whatever she told him to say. He would call me names and state that it was over, as if he was ending it, when he's the one who keeps coming back to me. He would promise her that it wouldn't happen again, only to come back as soon as she cooled down, forgave him, and let her guard down again.

I found that the best way to deal with the situation is to just let her vent and get it out of her system. Don't argue with her, don't let her get to you, don't give her more ammo to use against you. The easiest way to piss her off is to do nothing. If you don't react to what she's saying she's not getting the satisfaction of hurting you, which is what she wants.

Chapter 5

The "Don'ts" Of The Affair

Here are some of the "don'ts" that make the affair harder to keep hidden, or harder to live with. These are all examples of things that really happened during the time I was with him. Some were unintentional, some just plain funny, and some just totally stupid.

My "don'ts":

1. Don't let him get control of the relationship, or make all the rules that he expects you to follow. You'll just end up feeling used.

2. Don't let him know that you developed feelings for him. He'll use your feelings to get you to give in to him everytime you try to end it.

3. Don't believe everything he tells you. He will say whatever he knows you want to hear just to get your brain to shut down and for you to start listening with your heart so you give in once again. He may even stoop as low as telling you his mother just had an accident and is in the hospital and he needs comforting, when he only wants to lower your defenses so you'll give him sex. I saw her 2 days later looking perfectly healthy.

4. Don't believe anything he tells you about his wife. He'll make it seem as if she doesn't understand him, how she's cold in bed or doesn't want sex, how she doesn't listen to him. He wants you to feel sorry for him so he once again can get his way with you. He'll even tell you how he enjoys talking to you because you listen to him and don't judge him, that you understand him. He just likes the attention.

5. Don't spend money on gifts for him or make them from your heart because all he'll do is say he can't take them or he'll give them away, or throw them away so his wife doesn't find them. Or he'll stupidly keep a CD of nude pictures of you that you made for him and his wife will find it.

His "don'ts":

1. Don't try to avoid the neighbors from finding out about the affair or seeing you come to my place by climbing from your front bedroom window, across the porch roof into my bedroom window. That's alot more obvious than walking in my front door.

2. Don't program my phone number into your cell phone, memorize it. Your wife can't dial it if it's not there.

3. Don't come by if you get home from work late and your wife will be home in an hour. Nothing will make me feel like an easy piece of meat faster than a 20 minute from the time you get here till the time you walk out the door quickie.

4. Don't tell lies you're not going to remember telling me. I'm not your wife and I'll remember everything you say to me and I'll catch you in the lie real quick.

5. Don't ask me to come into your house for sex when your wife is off work but out of the house and you don't know how soon she'll be back. Giving you head with my shirt unzipped in your basement laundry room might be exciting, but hearing your wife walk in the door upstairs and racing for the back basement door while zipping my shirt is not something I want to do more than once.

6. Don't use the woman's kids to get to her. Dropping off candy, apples, or even turtles you find for her kids is a low way to endear her to you. She'll appreciate the gesture but knows what you're trying to do.

Looking back on most of this I can laugh now. Some of the things hurt me to the core. The promises and the lies hurt the deepest. If I tell you I don't want promises or for you to lie to me, I mean it. When you do make promises and don't follow through it hurts more than if you never said it in the first place.

Chapter 6

Getting Even With The Wife

Even if the guy is the one who starts the affair and keeps it going, you know the wife has more than enough reason to hate you and say nasty things to you. Sometimes though you just have to do little things to even the score once in awhile.

In my case, it was satisfying to relieve some of the pent up anger at the wife by having hot sex with him in their bed, hopefully leaving wet stains behind. Having sex in as many rooms of their house as he's willing to as if to claim the house as yours, or adding showers with him either before or after sex and using her towels to dry off with.

When you're slightly fed up with him there are ways to get even with him also.

In my case, I would leave notes on his car during the night for him to find when he left for work, sometimes she would see them first and he had to deal with trying not to let her read them. My all time favorite thing to do was when he would leave the room we just had sex in after straightening up the area so she wouldn't notice and I would pull several hairs out of my head and drape them over the bed pillow or wherever for her to find. This works best if your hair color and hers are different or the hair length is different.

You just can't be real obvious about what you are doing or he'll end up pissed at you. A little retaliation can go a long way in this type of relationship to keep you feeling validated.

Epilogue

Well, I think I covered all the major issues that can go along with having an affair with a married man. Falling in love with someone special can be a wonderful thing. Falling in love with a married man can also be wonderful but there are many drawbacks to it too. If you feel you can deal with all the ups and downs in this kind of relationship, go for it. Just remember the outcome will include someone getting hurt. Whether it be the wife or you, someone will have their heart broken. Go into it with your eyes wide open, no expectations from the guy and if possible a lock on your heart.

In my case, I have no regrets for the affair, no regrets for falling in love with him, and no regrets for finally doing what was best for me - giving him up. I will love him the rest of my life even though it means being miserable without him. I let him live his life the way he needs to and hopefully he'll be happy. At least until his wife finds him cheating again with someone else.

This book was written to give insight into this kind of relationship, not to influence anyone into doing or not doing it. Just as a guide, from my point of view, after being there and doing that.