A Beginner's Guide to Dominating Her

This is dedicated to the beginner Dominant. Many of you (I will leave out capitalization for this essay) will find this different than my many posts, but I have been asked so many time something like the following, "…I'm trying to get my husband to open up to BDSM but he's not sure how to start… do you have any suggestions?" And I find myself always answering the same way, "… hare some very good links that helped me get started… allow time… talk a great deal… get him to understand that in a way it is simply reverting to what I perceive to be the natural roles…"

The question that kept nagging me was, yeah that sounds great, but really, if you're a beginner and you pump me full of rules and regulations, do's and don't's then I'm going to get a bit discouraged and after all, "this was [her] idea not mine". Once I would reach that point I would be back to whatever I call normal and I would shut down inside. The shutdown would not be because of fear or distaste, but because of lack of "actionable" knowledge. What do I [do]?

I was watching a movie the other night and it came to me, there is a great approach that can be taken and help the first timer get through that very first Topping experience on his way to becoming a Dominant. The movie I was watching was Nina Hartley's Guide to Sensual Domination number 2 [How to dominate a woman]. I highly recommend it actually for the first timers, and as a way to perhaps break the ice and open the conversation.

First let us start with some of the basics about sensual Topping:

The foundation of BDSM is "Safe, Sane and Consensual" and if you're going to start exploring this, you must understand that this is not "sort of safe" or "mostly safe" or "should be safe" but that it MUST be SAFE. So, if in doubt, start slow and make sure your partner understands your concern for her safety and together explore it. If you get to a point where it does not work for you or you're too concerned for her wellbeing then stop. Listen to your inner voice because it's there for a reason. Find out more about whatever it is you're trying to do, and experiment together.

In the BDSM lifestyle we make a big distinction between pain and harm. Pain is just one of the heightened sensations we feel, it is sharp short lasting and does not injure the person. A red bottom does not count as an injury, but third degree burns certainly are an injury and that most certainly qualifies as harm.

Many misunderstand the "sane" part. A top must be in full control of his senses. That means, no alcohol, no drugs, nothing that would keep your reaction time or your understanding of the situation from being the best it can be for you. The same goes for the bottom. She cannot be affected by alcohol or drugs and still be able to tell you that you are approaching the line the separates pain from harm.

BDSM play requires that it be consensual. Now you may be asking yourself, "…wait a minute, I thought I gave the orders and she followed them? How can that be consensual?" Well the answer is simple; BDSM is an exchange of power, not a license to be a domineering asshole.

So then, what power is being exchanged and how?

The power that is being exchanged is whatever you define it to be. In many cases women are willing to give their ability to give and to receive pleasure, in exchange for not having to worry about his pleasure or her own pleasure. She is seeking the ability to get lost in the moment and to release control completely; but only to someone she completely trusts. The numbers of conversations I've had on this topic with women [both submissive and vanilla] center around one general idea. The idea being that there is stress in everything that they do: work, home, kids, and sex. Yes, sex can be stressful believe it or not.

Think of it this way, she is typically a giving type of person that wants to make sure you are pleased with her and that you enjoy sex with her, because she wants to please you. But you [if you're anything like I was] have been taught that taking the lead in bed, and perhaps in other social situations with women, is to take away from the women's right to define what she wants, what she likes, and what she doesn't. I think the term that comes mostly to mind is "Chauvinist pig". So, since you have a great self image, and you've been taught by society to be a nice guy, you want her to start, or you wait for her to signal you in one way or another (her breathing, or the way she moves her hips, or the sigh that's there or not there, the way she kisses you or doesn't, etc., etc., etc.,) so that you can do what she most wants you to do.

Wow! You are a mind reader, a body language reader and sorry to say: usually dead wrong, especially with a submissive wife [in hiding from you]. She loves you! She trusts you in ways that no one can trust you other than her. She knows you in the good times, in the bad times, as well as all your moods, and she still loves you and wants to please you. But, what are you doing? You are waiting for her to set the tone, the tempo, and the direction for the erotic times between you two. Wow, [yeah, I said it twice in one paragraph] what a recipe for disappointment and eventual disaster. You're trying your best to please her and you never quite know if you have, so you start to get frustrated. She, being your wife, understands you're getting frustrated with her and now she's frustrated not with you, but with herself. Can you see the spiral going down, down, down?

The exchange of power is the clarification that for the duration of the scene she will obey your commands, respond to your desires, accept our advances so long as they are safe, sane and of course consensual. How do you ensure that it is consensual? You two come up with a safe word. A word, that when spoken by either one of you, stops the action immediately. A safe word, especially for beginners, should be something very simple. It should be something no more difficult than the word "STOP". I tend to stay away from safe words like "ouch" if the scene involves spanking, or flogging, or anything that would normally elicit the "ouch" as a positive and pleasant response from her. But, I do remind my girl that "ouch" is not the safe word. That way, if she meant to use the safe word, she can do so before the next blow.

The second thing that I want to cover is what the first scene could be, and why certain things may be a good idea to try.

Keep your first scene simple. You're new to this so don't try to act like a "know-it-all" Master. Let's face it, you're not and the best thing is that she does not want you to, or expect you to be.

If you have the right bed (like a four poster) you may want to tie her up. Not with expensive cuffs or leather restraints, but with something as simple as your belt, or if she has a few silk scarves try them. Don't tie her too tight, this is not about actual restraint, but more of a mental reminder that "you" are in control. It works almost as well, to order her to hold on to the headboard and not let go: Or to hold onto the sides of the bed and not let go. Later as you two gain more experience and you decide that it is the right time you can add more formal restraints.

Lay her on the bed and physically or mentally restrain her. Allow her to feel her helplessness and her ability, in that helplessness, to let go and simply to accept whatever pleasure you wish to give her, and to take from her for yourself. Look at her. In essence eat her body with your eyes, and make sure she sees you and enjoys the ravaging looks you give her. She is your wife after all, and your approval and desire for her is a great turn on for her.

Touch her lightly. Let your hands explore her skin and her private areas. Look into her eyes as you "take" the pleasure her flesh gives you and don't be apologetic in the way you look at her. She's your property, it is your right to accept pleasure from her, and to take the pleasure you most desire. Ask her how she feels from time to time. This is not to make sure that you change what you are doing, but to let her know she is important to you. While she answers you, explore those places on and in her body that please you most.

Take your time. I can't put enough emphasis on this part. This is not a ten minute fuck session. This is about taking control of her pleasure and to heighten her self awareness and to heighten her awareness of the pleasure you are getting from sexually and erotically taking her.

Tease her, endlessly. Keep her on the edge and do not allow her to go over the top. You can do that two ways: 1) you can tell her that she is not allowed to climax without your permission, or 2) you can sense when she's ready and the back down from what you are doing. If she whimpers consider that a success for both you and for her.

If she's to ask you permission to orgasm, make it a big deal. Tell her to ask you formally: something like, "Sir, may your girl be allowed to cum, please Sir". The reason you want to do that is that it reinforces in her mind that she is submissive to you, and that you are one hundred (100) percent in charge of the situation. The side benefit is that it will make you feel very good to have your wife, your lover, your girlfriend asking your permission so formally. It will build both your Top mentality, and her submissive mentality. This is a win for both of you.

Give her oral sexual stimulation as part of your teasing. Explore her completely. You are not rushing her to orgasm, but instead you're teasing her. You are in control so take your time and focus on yourself. The fact that you are enjoying her will give her the thrill she seeks. You want to pinch her nipples, do so. You want to pinch her clit; do so. You want to give her a long loving French kiss with her scent on your lips; do so. I have to add here that you just have to take your time and enjoy her. The more you enjoy her, the more you'll see her releasing herself to your desires and achieving something akin to nirvana.

Give her an orgasm, or don't, that is up to you. She'll tell you, and it will be the truth, that it is not about the orgasm, but about not having to be in control or partial control.

Have her kneel before you. Have her spread her legs apart, and sit on her heels with her hands either upturned on her knees, or behind her back, or her fingers laced around her neck. Walk around her and caress her and enjoy the view from where you stand. She's meant to feel vulnerable and open to you. Her legs and her womanhood open to your every desire. Her breasts open to you. Her mouth open and inviting to you.

In this position she must be explored. Her body touched and used for your pleasure. Let her taste you but don't let her take you in her mouth till you know she's craving it. Allow her to make you feel good. It is her greatest desire to give you pleasure and she'll astound you with her ability to take you places you've never thought she could. Here you can use her favorite toy and at the same time not allow her to orgasm without your permission. Keep her fully aroused and make her the center of your world.

Grab her hair and use it as leverage to show her how much her mouth pleases you. Teach her how you like to be taken in her mouth. Show her the strokes you like, and caress her when she does it right. Don't make it about her, but instead make sure she understands from your body language as well as your spoken word that it is about you and your pleasure; but allow her to enjoy herself as well. Don't rush her, don't rush yourself and don't give her your orgasm until you are fully ready to end the scene.

After you've been properly pleased take her by her hair firmly but not harmingly and tell her to stand before you. Have her spread her legs and walk towards you and play with her openness. Then have her lean against the wall and stick her ass up in the air. Walk around her and caress every inch of her body, letting her know how much you are enjoying her nakedness. Slowly and teasingly explore every cavity in her body allowing her to feel your intrusion and the pleasure it brings to you. Allow her arousal to climb as high as you want it to and hold her there. When you are done, take her by her hair again, lean her over the edge of the bed and have her stick her ass up in the air and offer herself to you. Have her touch herself and to make it as pretty as she can for your viewing pleasure. Ensure that she knows that you are staring at her and eating her with your eyes. And, again, make sure she asks your permission before she climaxes. She's under your control, so allow it if you wish or don't if you wish as well.

Finish it however pleases you most and then cuddle her. If you wish to try something erotic have her curl up at your feet, and gently and lovingly caress her and talk about what you liked and what you did not like. Tell her that her thoughts are yours until you finish the scene and discuss openly the scene from each of your perspectives.

Add spankings to suit you and her any place during the scene. Next time try something different. Keep in mind that foreplay and after-play are very important to both of you. Once you have the first scene under your belt, you'll come up with many variations and your own relationship will guide you from there.

I sincerely hope that you found this a useful way to get started and I hope that you all will comment on this post. I'm looking for positive, negative and alternative comments.

Blessings to all…