What Should We Name Her?

Episode One

I can't explain how it happened but one morning he crashed into my mind- not in the friendly way I usually thought of him. My hands moved between my thighs and there he was: his stupid, smug face flickering behind my eyelids. That conceited smile like he was crowned a king of something. It almost has a level of cockiness, he goes around thinking he's so handsome and good looking. Yes, sure his body is a mighty fine temple- broad shoulders, chocolate skin, strong abs and core, hands that could snap me in half but we were just friends. He pissed me off too much to like him like that.

Two weeks ago, I'd stood in front of him with tears clawing at my throat, trying not to break into a sob. I'd go to him because he was a paradox: either he'd gut me with the truth or stitch me up with kindness. Either way I was ready for both - either - anything. He chose kindness that day.

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"Girl, you should be happy, twin." he said, dropping his phone like it was trivial. His full attention was a weight I hadn't realized I had missed so much.

"I know I should be," tears swell in my throat but I just swallow them back. "I let myself go, I stopped everything that made me, me. It's been a fight everyday. Now I've gained all this weight" I pause here looking down at my body feeling foreign in it. "I've been smoking too much. I've been drinking too much. I'm upset or mad or sad all the time and I don't know where it's coming from. But I am so weak I can barely do anything I used to be able to do"

He let me finish and he just looked straight at me with calmness but assertiveness. "You are not weak" those words opened my chest, and I could feel my throat closing in again. "You know what, you had to go through what you got to go through. You had to fall apart to rebuild. You put on weight? It looks good on you. I've always thought you needed more on you. You'd be surprised how you look good and what looks good. I mean you got an ass that's what you wanted right? You've been smoking too much? Drinking too much? Good. Let yourself. Then stop." He took a moment and followed with "Look you are here now. You are not weak, you might feel weak right now, but you'll be stronger tomorrow. And in a couple of months, you will be stronger than the version of yourself before any of this. So, get your ass up, and go finish your set"

"I can't, I am exhausted." And I was bone-deep exhausted, the kind of tired that made you envy corpses.

His fingers laced together, index points aimed at me like a sniper "Twin, you aren't finished, you've barely just got here. What are you working on today? What was the plan?"

My brain was racing and I needed to shut it down. I came back to his question. "I guess the goal was just to get back into it and do everything". He looked back at me like he saw something stupid.

Sometimes he gave me these looks and it was a statement. I respected that about him. He was expressive. Didn't have to say much but never said too little.

"Okay, legs I guess?"

He proceeds to pick up his phone as if that was my dismissal. "Alright then go do that then."

"Thank you, twin" I pause and get up moving towards the machines "for your time and what you said"

"That's what I'm here for, I got you."

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As I finished myself off and rather quickly when I thought of him, I was left feeling rather disgusted with myself. Why bitch? Why him. Dude -- you don't like him like that and plus it's not like you two fit. Like it just won't work and he's young - he won't be able to deliver what you need. He won't be man enough for me. He's not my type.

The night before I had done some shadow work and shadow work never lies. I pulled out a question from the sex compartment. Why do I fantasize about being dominated? Now I intuitively know the answer to this question, but I never was able to intellectualize it.

I lack control over myself sometimes. It's difficult for me to hold myself accountable and I used to be punished for it. Punishment is attention. Control is safety. I craved hands that could hurt me just enough, a voice that demanded "Do you understand?" before I nodded wet and willing. I need someone to tell me when to come or when not to. I need them to give me a slap across my face but with a level of control and connection. He asks how hard and if I need it harder. He tells me to put my hands behind my back and open my mouth and if I don't obey, he will punish me. I would be happy to serve and be served.

It would fulfill something.

Yet lately, I feel this energy inside me shifting. Moonlit clarity. Gym sessions without fail and till failure. Less drinking, more journaling and taking control of these desires and understanding truly where they are coming from, then coming to terms with that has been - empowering. I have been feeling a level of confidence these last couple weeks. I think since the moon was last full. My conversation with Andre had just happened a few days before. I've been journaling a lot. Doing the "dirty" work. Letting it all come up to the surface.

It's not that the dirty work is done, at all we just started, but I've been understanding by defining my values a lot more and the tough part is accepting all of them. I value tough love. That's how I was raised, and I resented how it was improperly done. The abuse of my childhood. Shudders. But we accepted her. We let her go and let her come back to be part of me but a matured new spirit inside me. I've been making decisions and it's been building my self-esteem. A level of confidence that no one can touch at this point. I am learning to love myself and this has not been an easy process.

Loneliness really provides the ultimate test of self-love. Knowing that I have earned a place. I don't have to feel shameful, and I have free-will. The only thing truly limiting me right now is me. Andre is right, I am not weak, and if anything, all these mistakes truly will make me into the best possible version of me. I need to just be honest with myself more and hold more accountability even if it sucks. Especially when it sucks.

Great, we spoke his name -- now all of the sudden Andre's stupid face is in my head again. Hello Soul, what are you trying to tell me. Why him? What is happening Universe? Are you telling me that it can be him? My gut answered. Okay I'll bite then. And Girl you know why. He sees you, you see him. He pissed you off. He ignored you for a long time and didn't give you a reason why. He tolerates your bullshit just as much as you tolerate his. Also, the level of passion of low-key anger towards this guy is something to be explored. Just do it -- for the plot.

To get you to understand the level of anger and hate I have once felt for this guy is a story for another time. Fuck it -- before I could overthink it my thumbs moved, "You wanna smoke tomorrow morning before your shift?"

His reply was instant: "Lets smoke rn"

I should have just stopped there. But the wine whispered in my ear- Tell him

"I can't right now, my mom is parked behind me" looking at the clock it is past midnight.

"Then change parking, I'm tryna smoke rn" he demanded quickly.

My heart sinks in a bit, and I feel the kitty purring a bit. I put my hands to my face.

I hit him back with, "Nah it's late and I don't need you flaking on me like last time. I want to talk to you about something" He highlights the text with a question mark and responds "What do you want to talk about?"

"I'll tell you tomorrow I don't want to text about it" Oh fuck. Girl, don't do it. Don't you dare. Sit your tipsy ass down and say goodnight right now.

"You can't say that shit and leave me hanging. You finna flake on me, watch," he fired back. My ego purred.

Now readers, I don't need to bore you with the details, but let's say she came out and she came playing with him. I spilled just some hint of attraction, some resentment for ignoring me for months, that I trusted him.

"Finally," he stated "you know I always had a thing for you. But I value our friendship and don't wanna ruin it with a relationship right now."

Expected and preferred response. "Good, I don't want a relationship, not that kind anyways. I need to focus on my business not anybody else right now and I'm going to explain to you what I want from you tomorrow." He was persistent in getting me to meet him that night. I said no and I went to sleep.

In the morning, he texted me around 9 am and taunted me with a, "U flaken on me already twin?"

I roll my eyes with a smile and respond "Good morning! We said 11." We discussed getting the essentials, papers and meeting up with banter back and forth for a bit before I began the several chores left to get done. To Be Continued.....